A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Last night I cheated on my boyfriend of 1.5 years. By cheating, I mean that I met up with a new friend for coffee. We were sitting in the car drinking our coffee and he suddenly leaned in and kissed me. When he did this I automatically pulled away, but when he tried again I just let him kiss me. When we were driving home he purposely stopped In a dark street, got the sexy music going and we spent the next 10 minutes or so passionately kissing . It didn't go any further than kissing although he was touching my breasts through my top, and my legs and kissing my stomach, neck and ears. All in all it was pretty passionate kissing. My dilemma is what should I do now. Do I tell my boyfriend what happened? The guy I was with last night and my boyfriend have no connection and will never meet, so although my heart is telling me to be honest with my boyfriend, I am scared about how much this will hurt him. I love my boyfriend so much and do not want to end our relationship, even though I know how stupid and selfish I have been. I am confused as to why I let it happen in the first place and feel nothing but regret. I know that in no way does this excuse my behaviour, but I think that the reason that I let last night happen and then continue is because I miss the feeling of being wanted sexually, and the way i was being kissed and held last night is not like something I have ever experienced before. I used to think that my boyfriend maybe has low testosterone levels because he never seems to want sex but prefers the cuddly side of things. He is a young , attractive and the alpha male type guy, so if I ever bring this up he gets extremely defensive . He is a real catch and would have no trouble finding another girl, and I would be devestated to end this relationship over a few stupid kisses, but would like to know your insights on why women in beautiful and loving relationships like mine, cheat on their partners.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (11 June 2012):
For starters - "low testoserone" and "alpha male" are contradictory, so something else is going on there.
Second, you cheated, so you now have to face the music. If your bf did the same thing, would you want to know?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2012): You should tell him. You made a dumb, irrational decision by not telling this 'friend' that you would rip his throat out if he EVER tried to kiss you again.
Cut this 'friend' off. Tell him you cannot have him around now that you know you mean more to him and it can't just be a friendship with him. He's nailed his colours to the mast and he won't ever be a friend anymore.
And your boyfriend deserves to know what you are capable of. What your weaknesses are, just as you deserved to know his. You cannot have a proper relationship with this elephant in the room because then you have a lie that infects all that you do.
Everytime he says he loves you and you two are meant to be together, you'll think of this mistake. Everytime he says that you are the most amazing person he knows... you'll know that isn't true because of this mistake.
This NEEDS to be out in the open now, or else it will come out much later on, either by your own admission during an argument that does not merit it, or because this 'friend' will take it upon himself to influence the situation.
The fact that you let him continue after the first shock, indicates that something is missing for you in your current relationship. So either come clean and try and find that in your boyfriend if he chooses to fight for the relationship... or let him go and find someone who can give him what he deserves, because it seems you don't quite understand the whole 'compromise' part of a successful relationship.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 June 2012):
 My first concern is: who is this "friend"? He sounds like a very selfish friend if anything. No real friend would kiss, for of all kissing isn't "friendly". You allowed this.. so, who is he? He can not possibly be just a friend, in that case none of this would have happened.
So, I am wondering if you have plans to keep meeting this "friend", or if this indeed used to be a good friend of yours perhaps it is time to let the friendship go, as he crossed boundaries. He is no longer a friend.
I also want you to think about why you let him kiss you, and why you participated in this. Drinking coffee in a car for one thing sounds odd, and makes me wonder what the situation was really like. Why did you sit in the car? Why in private? Why did you not have coffee in public, and talk, like friends do? Why sit alone in a car, and then drive off to a back alley to make out. That's not typical friendship behaviour. Think about who this man is to you, and whether or not he is actually someone you should have in your life, regardless of your relationship status.
Of course this will hurt your boyfriend. But it is too late NOW to think about not hurting him. The deed is done. If you didn't want to hurt him you shouldn't have cheated, simple as that. The fact wont go away if you don't tell him, he'd still have been cheated on. And that isn't fair to him. Whether you tell him or not. You already have hurt him.
And, if you didn't want to end the relationship you shouldn't have cheated. Simple as that, again. It is TOO LATE to think about that now. You did what you did, right? There's no room now for saying "I don't want to end it over some kisses". That's what you should have told your "friend" yesterday. You should have told him "I don't want to ruin my relationship by kissing you". But you didn't.. and somewhere in there lies the truth about how disposable your relationship really IS to you. And the more you deny this fact, the more liable to cheat you will be.
I think, in your case, you cheated, and will continue to cheat as well, because you are not happy in your relationship, yet lack the courage and respect (for both your partner and yourself) to end things in an adult and mature manner. Kissing someone else is a way of getting out of a relationship you don't really want to be in.
But, if you don't want to hurt him.. break up with him before you cheat again. If you end the relationship with him now, then I think you should keep the cheating to yourself. He'll probably be heartbroken enough as it is, as every break-up is hard. But you can't blame yourself for hurting him if you break up, that is a risk he took when entering a relationship. There was no guarantee that you and him would be happy together for ever and ever. So breaking up is OK, when you want out. You should not stay with him because you are worried you will hurt him if you leave. He is an adult, and can take care of himself. You need to take care of you, and if you want out of the relationship, which you do, then cheating isn't the way to go about it.
YOU were the one who decided, yesterday, that you didn't want your relationship. Stand by that choice of yours. You can not go back now. You stepped out of the relationship yesterday. Now follow through. It is for the best, you cheated for a reason and that reason isn't that you love your boyfriend so much and don't want to leave him. End this the mature and adult way, by having a talk with him and break off the relationship. Cheating is never the way to go. Once you feel tempted by someone else to this degree, or cheat, you ARE ending your relationship, if not officially you end it in your heart. The scary part is telling the other person it is over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2012): I cheated on my bf of three years. We tried to make it work after the but he used my cheating as his ammunition in every argument against me, no matter how irrelevant it was. I knew it wouldn't work after I tod him, but not telling him would probably ruin everything as well. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (9 June 2012):
Why do women cheat in your situation? I assume that they take their partner for granted which is the same as a guy. Being with someone and wishing he/she was someone else is a low blow and a poor excuse. If the relationship is problematic then work it out or leave the guy.
There is always a choice to everything. I have told off girls many times. Sure there is always that rush of feelings of excitement you may get with cheating but what I have with my girlfriend, I would not want to be the one to ruin it. No one deserves to be cheated on. Plus I do not tempt Karma. What goes around comes around sooner or later. In my life, the few wrong things I did always came back to ruin me, so I have learnt this way to resist.
You need to decide for yourself if to tell him or not. There is good and bad about everything but telling him should be about what he deserves, not you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2012): I've never cheated so I'm not sure I can offer you insight to why people cheat, but I did notice that you don't mention any feelings for your boyfriend. If you're only sticking around because you think he's a good catch you don't want him to go to waste or end up with someone else, it doesn't sound like this relationship is built on much.
And in a way, it's not your real question anyway...to me, it seems pretty clear you cheat because you want something you're not getting in your current relationship.
I think you need to make the decision about how you're going to get what you want and whether or not you want to hurt other people in the process.
Good luck.
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