A
male
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*ostandalone
writes:Why is it on this site that women tend to be so sympathetic to a woman who has cheated and are so very understanding but when it's a man who cheated you hear phrases like, "Once a cheater always a cheater" or "A leopard never changes his spots". Is there some kind of a sexual double standard that I am missing? Don't we all deserve the same kind of support as well as ridicule even if you are male or female? Just a lingering question yet to be answered.
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male
reader, seanonel +, writes (4 August 2006):
I think when I was younger I probably would have been more prone to cheating. As I matured (no I am not by any means wonderful!!) I learned to be able to enjoy my friends without it being possible to cheat on the one I love. How did I do this? Simple. Everytime I went somewhere on a photographic assignment or a dinner or an excursion, I would tell her where I was going, who I would be with and what time I would be back. I also encouraged her to call me while I was out. That way, I was accountable and she could see what I was up to and - in that situation - the excitement of the (deplorable)act is not there.Problem with that was I afforded her too much freedom in return and ended up having my heart broken. Everybody has a point of no return. Just stay far away from it!!
A
female
reader, Sexybum  +, writes (4 August 2006):
 I'm not at all sympatehtic to anyone who cheats, you reap what you sow, whether female or male!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, immuno +, writes (3 August 2006):
 Hi, lostandalone. I think perhaps the "once a cheat always a cheat", full me once etc.. has to do with the cheating happening within the same relationship. My feeling is that once you have crossed that line it is difficult to come back. The cheater feels guilty about the cheating but most of the time does not admit the cheating and so it continues. "Whets one more time matter when you haven’t been caught?" Unfortunately the really remorseful and in love cheater will admit it before being found out and this will destroy the relationship if the other cannot forgive. I personally love my partner with all of my being but if he ever cheated I don’t think I could forgive because I know I would never forget. Cheating usually occurs within a relationship that already has problems and people cheat for different reasons. You are right, it is not fair to assume that men are more guilty than women. Lack of communication and the needs of both parties not being met is a big culprit.
You really need to forgive yourself to be able to move on, we all are human, mistakes are our specialty. I hope you find your way and can share your life with someone new. I am sorry for your lost love and you sound like the genuinely remorseful I have heard about.
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male
reader, Lostandalone +, writes (3 August 2006):
Lostandalone is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well for those who believe "Once a cheater always a cheater" I am the living example that this is not true. I cheated on my fiance and I have never done this again and I know that pain that came with it and I know how I felt. I would never want to hurt someone I love so much again. I love her dearly and though we are not together I would never cheat on my future partner. People do learn from their mistakes but regardless I still think that women receive more compassion especially from other women. Men are just outright dogs because society allows this to take place. Men are "players" and women are "sluts". Eitherway its a filthy act on both accords. Why can't a man's situation be were he isn't getting the affection or love he needs and seeks this from another not just for "something extra". We have feelings and emotions also. Its not always sexual. Thank you all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2006): Well, I find cheating deplorable whether it is male or female. I would like to think I would never get into a situation where I would get tempted. In fact, when I am in a relationship i make sure that I don't!!! I know a lot of people subscribe to the theory 'once a cheater, always a cheater!!!' It would be interesting to hear from any males/females who have cheated who would categorically never cheat again or haven't done because people I have heard about who have cheated tend to go on to do it again.Men are generally seen as a lad when they spread it about but a woman is seen as a slut. I guess it is still seen as more shocking if the woman cheats (even though I think women are catching up with men I think) because it may be perceived, rightly or wrongly, that there has to be something seriously wrong in the relationship for the woman to cheat whereas with the man it may be perceived, again rightly or wrongly, that as men generally have the higher sex drive and maybe less willpower because of it then if an opportunity presents itself to cheat then he will. So yes, I think there probably is a sexual double standard there, but personally I would like to think I would give the same support/ridicule regardless of gender.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (3 August 2006):
 Thats as somebody who has cheated AND been cheated on, may I add!!
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (3 August 2006):
I have been harsh on both sexes when they discuss cheating BUT I do try to weigh up the individual circumstances. Many people will say ALL cheating is bad, others thatsometimes it is understandable and even acceptable....so I am not biased to either sex.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (3 August 2006):
 The advice I give is based on the situtation... Never toward the gender. I never condone cheating but appreciate that some situations are different to others to try advise in that capacity. I know women are more lenient to other women and are more sympathetic as to reasons why cheating occured.. but it is strange when I think its women in recent studies who are more likely to stray than men and its women who are reported to have lovers on the side as there husbands/partners dont do it for them etal..! I guess women come across as more vulnerable(i know alot are not) and thats what gets them the softy softy approach. Man or woman cheating is wrong, i take the very open approach when commenting nothing to do with gender, but i guess it always appears that the women did it because her partner was nasty or unloving or wasnt there for her, where as a man just wants something extra that what hes getting, im not saying thats how it is, but at times thats the way its portrayed.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone +, writes (2 August 2006):
Lostandalone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank you all for your responses and for the most part feel like ariel. People cheat for a number of reasons. It doesn't change the fact that it is cheating nevertheless. I pose this question because I am guilty of cheating and though I am regretful for my actions. I find it troubling to read responses (even directed to me) that once a cheater always a cheater. It seems as though you can never live that down or pose any form of defense. For the betterment of all. I think this issue is very touchy and should be approached with open minds and non bias criticism. Once again thank you all.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (2 August 2006):
 Whoops. A ladies-only thread. I guess my gender-neutral views got the better of me.
But lostandalone's question is a bit of blunt instrument. As much as this forum is a soapbox for all of us, there are some (both men and women) who are pretty good at suspending judgement when giving advice.
Maybe women are more patient and try to validate the cheater's feelings before giving the advice. Would that be a fair appraisal?
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (2 August 2006):
You won't get a double standard from me. My harsh words toward cheaters are gender-neutral!
If you catch me exhibiting the double-standard please let me know. Have a great day.
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female
reader, bonym +, writes (2 August 2006):
 Hi mate, I am completely the opposite, I am more inclined to be totally unsympathetic towards women, as a woman myself, I know women better than men and therefore I sometimes disagree with their motives for cheating. If anything, I am equally disgusted when either party who cheat not just men xXx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2006): Different people, different thoughts. I have seen some cases in this site when some of us females have been harder on their females counterparts, which is quite the opposite of what you are saying.
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female
reader, kellyO +, writes (2 August 2006):
 Hi Lostandalone,
I dont think you are entirely correct with your analysis about females in this site becos i have been here long enough and i have read several posting. I think the comments here are all fair and reflect different views for all types of readers and regarding different situations as seen from the posting. you cant generally have the same view on a particular issue but all is clear that everyone here tries to bring their individualism to tackle and assist the readers. At the end of the day, the reader is free to make their personal choices and take whoever advise they wish to.
We are all one in this site in a way becos the bottom line is that all we try to do is to assist by guiding whoever we can.
take care dear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2006): Well, actually it works both ways - for example girls often times getting a reputation for being a slut if she cheats. Most times I've seen the girls treated worse for cheating than guys; guys are usually just called playas (at least around where I'm from) and then all seems okay (you know that that really stupid saying, "don't hate the playa, hate the game"). Anyway, all of that crap is based on sexism, which will hopefully disappear over time... So the answer to your question is yes, generally we do.
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