A
male
age
36-40,
*pellbinder
writes:Hi,So I'm in what seems to be a near-perfect (homosexual) relationship right now, my boyfriend and I are very attuned to each other, we are respectful, gentle, and loving, and this December will be 3 years. We marvel at how connected we are some times. However, my problem is that despite this and how perfectly we connect, since the beginning I have been unsure as to whether I really want to be with him or not. It seems like every few months I switch positions from in love and content, to in love but wanting out. Our biggest problem in the relationship is that we have completely different sex drives (I want so much more than he is up for, as well we are in conflict over how I can separate sex without love from sex with love and he cant) and this causes problems with me being really flirty/seductive with other guys, and I have cheated on him before, and not out of the goal to be a jerk, mostly because there's something there that I'm not getting from him. I don't want to cheat because I don't want to be like that, but it just seems to happen. Issue B with this is that when we do have sex, he is very unwilling to reciprocate it and I am usually the receptive partner (which is fine up to the point I'm at now)Other than the sex part, my biggest issue is that despite the fact that I am very much in love with him, cant really picture myself loving another like I do him, and have enjoyed the relationship we have together, I am frustrated because on the very bottom of everything else, I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore. And not just with him, I just don't want to be connected to anyone anymore right now, and have time to do my own thing (as well as take care of my very busy school and work life, in opposite to his very not busy life). However, I don't think that this is justification enough to break up an amazing relationship...any advice?
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male
reader, SmileGuy  +, writes (17 November 2009):
Wow. That was a well put letter. I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. The way I found your letter is because I am going through a very similar situation with my partner of 2 years and 7 months and am looking for a solution myself. I'm 35 with a high sex drive and he is 46 with a lower sex drive. We have been living together for a year now. Each of your paragraphs resonated very close to my situation. This is my second gay relationship since I came out of the closet in the year 2000. Lately, I have been looking at a couple of my friends, who have been single for several years now, and see that they are doing okay. I look at myself and reflect on the time I was single, before meeting my current partner, and see that I would be okay too. My quandary is that I don't want to make a big mistake. He is a good man who has wonderful qualities. Yet I go back to thinking I don't want to make my partner miserable because he isn't satisfying me enough.
This is a very difficult decision to make because both lives will be affected. However, I do know that wounds do heal with time. Do you have a close support network of friends? Have you spoken to anyone else about this? My thoughts are with you and hope you write back soon.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009): Is he aware that you cheat on him?
If so, how has he reacted to the news?
If he's OK with it, you MIGHT be able to agree a deal where you stay together as a couple while he lets you have your licence to thrill when he's not around.
If he doesn't know, you'll have to tell him you NEED sex more often, and make the decision to either be honest (telling him you've been having sex with other men) or a little economical with the truth (NICELY telling him that you're really tempted to have sex with other men and think you might end up doing so because your sex drive is so overwhelming and he isn't doing enough to satisfy it).
But be considerate. I'm sure you will.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): You dont have to be in a relationship you know. being single for a while wont kill you.If you are unhappy then im afraid that this relationship might be heading down hill fast.If that is the case then it would be better to leave it for now. Maybe you two can get together down the road.Ultimately make the decision that is best for you
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