A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, this is a bit of detailed problem, but bear with me, I feel if i set the scene a little it will give the scope for better advice (well I hope because I'm really at my wit's end).I've been seeing a girl since last september when we started in the same training group for a new job. At the time I was 19 and she was 23, of course at first it was the occasional five minute chat until I worked up the nerve to ask her out near to her birthday (in october).Went out on our first date, to watch a film (The Departed), but it was the worst date I'd ever been on, she spent the whole time texting some other guy who she was seeing at the time, and then couldn't leave the cinema fast enough once the film had finished.Tried again for a second date (after her birthday night out, which showed the guy's true colours and she ditched him) which went a lot better. Talked at the restaurant till midnight, then she came back to mine and watched three films and didn't get to sleep until around six (fully clothed, no funny business).November was the next time we went out, during fireworks night weekend, at which point I met one of her ex-boyfriends (who lives far away), and discovered that she was still in love with him.Things progressed and we had sex for the first time in december, which we then discovered made her pregnant in january (did everything we were meant to, don't judge on that part), at this point she ditches me, and becomes very very attached to her ex (i assume this is because her hormones make her nesty, and she saw more security at the time in him), who now visits a lot for the next couple of months.He is not informed of the pregnancy as she decides against my wishes to have it aborted, but even though it cripples me I stand by her every step of the way, and ironically find myself in love with her come february and the baby has now gone.Towards the end of feb she initiates sex with me once more (i had been staying at her house while her mother was away that month, and that night was staying in her bed at ther request, with no idea that this was to happen).Her initiating sex with me while she pursues the possibility of rebuilding the relationship with the ex now takes place until may, during which time she also says she is in love with me.When i reached the very brink and gave her an ultimatum, she finally ended things properly with her ex (reasoning being i that she couldn't bring herself to sleep with him, as the last 12 months of their relationship they never did, but she was ending all "doubts" in her mind that it was over between them) and "chose" me. needless to say my faith had taken a serious blow during this ideal.sex was good again for a while and then she began to not enjoy it so much (during the feb-may months, the sex was fantastic). she said it may be because she's scared of getting pregnant again, which i understood, so we used condoms as well as the contraceptive pill that she had been on since the abortion.she stays in contact with a number of ex's, one who was just before the ex who i met, who is "like a borther to her", and one who spends most of his time in portugal.the "brother ex" i don't have much of an issue with, but we haven't had sex since the portugal one returned to england for 3 months, and i'm very paranoid about her cheating on me as he is the "best she has ever had" which i discovered just before he returned (the weekend that he did return before she saw him her attitude towards me stank).i bring up the issue that we haven't had sex for a month now (normally its once a week, lucky if more as we are so busy during the week, but we've been together and there's been nothing), and she immediately goes funny and takes the defensive, berating me for bringing up something that is not an issue (she hadn't noticed, i.e. she doesn't care that we're not). and it ends up with me apologising for upsetting her.All this time she still remains in contact with the ex i met, and he is due to come down this november... (i'm unsure whether she still loves him)we are very, very close don't get me wrong, and are madly in love, but i have a lot of insecurites (which i don't share)opinions on this would be greatly appreciated. i guess what i'm after is views on her ex's in contact, the lack of sex, and ultimately whether you feel that everything will "simmer down" and revert to a healthy relationship. (we both see our futures together)
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abortion, condom, her ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the words people, it basically is reaffirming what conclusions I've drawn myself. But you know how it is, sometimes you need to hear from somewhere else before it truly hits home.
Flower girl; I have had a discussion in regards to the lack of sex, a number of times; but its always made out to be that i have an issue, and i end up apologising, so i give up and stomach no sex again... (lack of balls i know)
Hlskitten; you're right i do want bluntness, i don't come on here for people to beat around the bush with me.
You all know how it is when you're on the chessboard (to steal your terminology), you sometimes can't see the wood for the trees.
Looking at it from the third person, i think i have a mild form of stockholm syndrome (or something to that effect)
Looks like i've smelt the coffee though... sigh
A
male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (9 August 2007):
 I made the mistake of letting my ex stay the night last Friday, she was getting on well with me on Friday night and on Sat morning, she seemed upset at me, didn't talk, and hasn't contacted me since. She saw other men while she was with me, because I couldnt give her what she wanted - sex
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (9 August 2007):
 Are you mad????
Sorry, that wasnt the best way to start this off but really, this is crazy. Its not like you're talking a couple of months here, this has been going on coming up a year.
What are you doing?
Reading between the lines, and lets face it, thats all we can do here, this girl is leading you right up the garden path & down it again, backwards and forwards til the cows come home. She must be in her element you tagging along on this rollercoaster.
To me, and fair do's i dont know the girl, but in my opinion, she likes to keep all her exes hanging on, as mates if you like, them giving her attention & her keeping them dangling. I hate to think how many girlfriends these exes between them have that are cursing the ground she walks on.
Jeez, sorry. It just sounds like a right farse to me. She gets rid of your baby, without any discussion with you (from what you have said) and you keep sleeping with her, dangling in the mess that she seems to call life?
Sorry if that all sounded harsh but you are way better off getting out of this ride. And run as fast as you can, not looking back.
But i think you already know that?
your all a seperate pawn in her game of 'life'
Go to the sports shop and purchase a pair of balls man & get the fcuk out!
Blunt? would you want anyone on here to be any different?
Good luck sweetheart.
C xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (8 August 2007):
 If you do not share with you're girlfriend exactly how you are feeling, then how is she going to know?.
Maybe she thinks you are cool with it, i really think you need to have a heart to heart with her and get all of this out in the open, if you love each other you should be able to discuss anything with each other.
Take care.xx.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (8 August 2007):
 Oh darling she really is leading you a merry dance here isn't she. I'm sorry that she aborted your baby,that must have been quite a blow for you. She is bad news I am afraid to say,it seems she cannot commit to anyone,and doesn't care who she hurts in the process either.I get the impression she could be getting sex elsewhere too, which might explain why she is rarely giving out to you.
My love you deserve better, than this manipulative scheming
woman, she is not only doing this to you, she seems to be leaving a trail of broken hearts. Find yourself a decent young lady, who appreciates a nice caring guy like you. Its gonna be hard, its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Take care and let me know what you have decided.
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