A
male
age
41-50,
*ute guy
writes:I have been married for almost 6 years. Wife and I are both in our mid 30's. We have two beautiful boys, a newly built house and on the surface appears to be a picture perfect life. Here's the problem. 2-3 years ago our sex life went from average to non existant. We have tried talking about it, but nothing changed. It got to the point where I just wasn't really attracted to her anymore, but still had a desire for love, affection, intimacy and sex. Then I did the unthinkable. I had an affair with a girl I've been dating since my separation 8 months ago. She's filled the gaps I had in my marriage like I couldn't have imagined. Here's the tough part. I do still love my wife on many levels. She's a wonderful mom, kind, caring, trustworthy and everything I would want in a mate. We have gone to counseling to get help and she swears she will overcome her inhibitions and make an effort to get our sex life back on track. But I wonder if its too late now. I have a tough time looking at her in that sexual way, especially when the other girl has been so good in those areas and I mean VERY GOOD! I've thought about a divorce but it kills me not to have my kids like I do now or put them through a broken marriage. My g-friend does have a bit of a drinking problem and several issues with what its like to be in a mature, healthy relationship, but is a very good person with a huge heart. Do I stay with my girlfriend or do I give it up and stay with my wife and take a chance that we are just not compatible as a intimate couple?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): Intimacy is very important in all relationships, I still don't understand the reason some ppl fail to see these things in marriages. I'm sure there's some blame on your end as well. First you have to own up to your faults and ask yourself if your GF is worth leaving your wife considering the alcohol issues and immaturity she has. Best of luck with everything!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): You're being unfair to your wife. You should have gone to counseling first, given her a chance to overcome her inhibitions and meet your sexual needs and then if that does not work and you really can't live in a sexless marriage then be honest about that, leave the marriage cleanly, and then look for a new girlfriend.Instead you tried to work it out on your own and it didn't work, so instead of taking the next step of getting professional help instead you started dating someone new to get your sexual needs met while still remaining married to your wife...then tried the counseling but are wondering if it's too little too late...well it could very well be, but that would be YOUR fault that it's too little too late. Now you are wondering which woman you should go with, weighing the pros and cons of each for your own benefit. Have you thought about how it would affect your wife and kids if you were to stay with her versus leaving her? Sometimes it really is better to end a marriage than to prolong an unhappy home situation for all involved, but your post mentions nothing about considering the effect of your decisions on your wife and kids one way or the other instead it's about what benefits you.I feel sorry for your wife because you did not give her a fair chance to do her part in getting your sex life back on track until after you had betrayed her. How can you expect her now to even want to try to work it out with you? What do you expect?? Or are you intending to keep your affair a secret from her while she's trying to work on your sex life and trying to meet your needs? And then when she wonders what's wrong with her, why can't you respond to her, she will think she has failed you when it could be YOU who has developed the mental roadblock because you're now measuring her up against your impossibly-hot new girlfriend. that is no way to treat someone that you claim to love and care about. (and what about the girlfriend, does she know you are married? Does she know you were just using her to "fill the gaps" in your marriage?)Personally I think you should leave both your wife and your girlfriend and just be on your own for awhile. It doesn't sound like you are husband-material or mate-material no matter who the woman is....sorry to be blunt but your post really does come off sounding that way. Even though you are taking a step in the right direction by trying to choose one woman, it seems your decision-making process is still based on your own needs and without consideration for either of them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): I feel sad for your wife. From the post I feel you want both, the "kind caring mother" and the "VERY GOOD" at sex girlfriend. You continue to find what you want while hurting a lot of people. Make up your mind, fast.
And also I don't think your boys are better in the situation you made now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): "g-friend does have a bit of a drinking problem and several issues with what its like to be in a mature, healthy relationship"Well, from personal experience, I can tell you that this is the type of woman who gives great sex, awesome uninhibited and freewheeling sex, that the married woman who knows what it is like to be in a mature healthy relationship simply cannot compete with. Then, they get into a mature healthy relationship and it all goes down the tubes unless you have major changes in behavior and the relationship gets "real".How do I know that? Well, my spouse was like that, with her partners before me, and with her affair partner after marriage. The sex was awesome, as was the drinking, and the drug use, and the destruction it caused in our personal lives.Today, she no longer drinks, no longer does drugs, goes to counseling, attends AA, works to understand why she did what she did, tries to understand the damage that was done, and works constructively with me on our marriage and raising the children. But, that is damn rare to have an outcome like that, damn rare.If you care about yourself, care about your wife, and care about your children, then work on the marriage, work hard and long with a counselor, and maybe the first counselor isn't the one that will make it work. It may be a lost cause, she may be a closeted lesbian, she may have been raped, may have been abused as a child, etc, etc, etc. But, until you both work hard and open up about the past, then you simply won't know.But, your own words tell you the best answer, because you are in a marriage."wonderful mom, kind, caring, trustworthy and everything I would want in a mate"Work on it. You can't do that when you are shtupping another woman. I know, going without good sex is awful and demeaning. The sex in my marriage had dropped off to nothing, I almost left, I wanted a vibrant sex life as much as anyone could. I didn't leave and finally we had a breakthrough and the sex since that work in counseling has been better than I could have ever hoped for.How long do you work on it, hard work? Well, I'd suggest two years at a minimum before giving up, with help from good counselors.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010):
You're framing the question the wrong way. the question is not should I leave my wife for my girlfriend, versus stay with me wife.
The question is: should I leave my wife or stay with her. Period. your girlfriend should not factor into your decision, assume she has left you or that she will for sure leave you whether or not you divorce your wife. Now make your decision.
Leaving a marriage for a new relationship is DIFFERENT from leaving a marriage for its own sake and then being free to pursue a new relationship. When you judge your spouse against your new girlfriend, the comparisons are not equal because you see them in different contexts, under different circumstances and with different surroundings so it is misleading. Yes you could really have a better marriage with your new girlfriend than with your present wife. It is possible. But it is also possible that you won't. Yet if you leave your marriage to be with your girlfriend you are making an assumption that you know it will be better with your girlfriend. So what if it isn't?? You will regret your divorce...at least if you divorce your marriage but without anyone else in the picture, because you know you just can't stay with your wife and it's better to be alone than married to her, then if a new relationship doesn't work out it does not change the fact that your divorce was still the right thing to have done.
Do you see the difference?
You should be judging your marriage based on being in it versus being alone. If you can truly say you would rather be alone than married to your spouse then divorce is probably the right choice.
figure out what to do with your marriage independent of whether your girlfriend is in the picture or not.
Does your wife know about your affair??
If not I suggest you tell her ASAP, and let HER decide whether you will stay married to her or not. she is the mother of your kids, you at least owe it to her to tell her the truth so she can have all the information to make decisions for her own life.
For all you know, your question (should I stay with my wife or leave for my girlfriend) may be moot!!
It sounds like you know you want a divorce because you have tried to make your marriage work, it didn't work and you were so miserable you fell into temptation and had an affair, and now after cheating on your wife your mind has been forever influenced against her. (I've been in your situation before that's why I can tell you that your options are not as simple as your post seems to assume)
If it is your own selfish reasons for not having already left your wife by now - not wanting to be apart from your kids - then you need to overcome that. Don't put your kids through an unhappy home where their father cheats on their mother, just because you are too selfish to let go of your kids. Sooner or later they will find out about your unfaithfulness to their mother whether soon, as teenagers or as adults and they will lose respect for you. At least if you divorce you are being honest and not hiding things. Don't hang onto a relationship only to be dishonest and disloyal to it because you are so miserable in it.
You're being unfair to your girlfriend too. You've been using her to 'fill in the gaps in your marriage' as you yourself said. You've been taking advantage of her.
You should not be using either woman as a security blanket. Figure out what to do about your marriage but independently of whether you have someone else waiting in the wings or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): If I attempt to look at it involving just you and your wife then I would say no, the relationship failed once and will do so again. With the kids in the picture do you think you could now learn to go without sex as it's likely that your marriage will end up back there.
If you go back you have to know that you will stick it through thick and thin. If not don't do that to your family again, or your just mucking them around - you will become the dad thats always leaving.
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female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (8 December 2010):
 First of all, you've already given up the relationship with your wife when you had an affair. The possibility of your two sons growing up and not seeing a broken marriage is also out the door. You had an affair. And not just a sexual one, but a romantic one as well. You say you went to counseling and that you've talked to your wife about the issues, but how much did you really "try" getting intimate with your wife again? It may seem like she wasn't listening, but there's more going on there than you think. You both want to save your marriage for the fact that it's there. It's concrete. It's stable. It's the American way. But what you both have to realize is that something that is broken needs to stay that way, especially when you go and have an affair with another woman who you say "fills all the gaps". Those aren't gaps, they're a crack in the foundation of your marriage that now you've replaced with the starts of another relationship. Your marriage shouldn't be saved, even if it could be. Do you really want your boys thinking that this kind of behavior from a man is acceptable once he's married? Absolutely not. They will learn about your actions sooner or later, and you will look extraordinarily poorly in their eyes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): i cant make your descion for you but it sounds like you just dont want to be alone and arent going to be completely happy with either girl, maybe you should cut one of them some slack, now you just have to decide witch one..
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