A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel as if my 3 year relationship lacks balance.I always seem to be the one helping out and my boyfriend the one needing the help or asking for the favour.I also seem to be the one that is always giving in and giving up because his requirments/needs/preferences are or seem more important and I can easily put off or live without whatever I thought I wanted because the basics are all in place.I am grateful that I am in a position to help out like when he has an unexpected cash crisis and I am also grateful that I am getting along well without relying on others a lot these days but I don't know if this type of thing is healthy for the relationship in the long term and I am worried that I will lose respect for him as a partner and soon to be husband. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): Be careful of the Monsters we create.
They soon turn to bite us on the @ss.
Ask yourself about the need to control.
Or even the need to feed, niceness looks good on us to the point we feel superior.
Or even the need to be needed, that feels so good, but robs us of our own nourishment.
Also useful is the eventual power of redemption, where we can crack the whip, fly off the handle create our own slaves with great justification.
You are training your dragon to be adorned to you, but it's really a lie. He'll manipulate you right back.
You need to remaster your own inner Master.
Starting with the word "NO" and a big bag of treats for you for everytime you say it with NO fear.
Now GO and be a NO..
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (13 January 2012):
 This is a symptom. You're giving and giving for two reasons:
1. You believe that you're not worth a good and true relationship, and that in order to stay "worthy", you need to keep giving, because if you stop, you're worried that you'll be dropped.
and
2. You actually get your needs met through the martyrdom. It's a weird emotional and psychological dynamic. If you didn't get your needs met, you would have been gone before year 1 and not gone 3 years. You are taking a tally of what you give versus what he gives, and it gives you moral superiority. If it were the other way, you'd feel at a disadvantage if he were giving more than you.
If you disagree, let me prove it. Immediately stop all financial aid with the guy. If he's not your husband, you have no business giving him money, especially to the point where you are going without to meet his needs. Also, stop the domesticity. I'm guessing that you can't or don't really want to.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 January 2012):
 I think what you fear is already happened or happening. Otherwise, you would not even be writing us about it .
I mean, if you were convinced that his requests are reasonable and legitimate, and that ARE actually more important than yours , there would not be a problem.
I don't think you would resent putting off, say, buying yourself a strings of pearls if he needs, God forbid !, a wheelchair. Or , considering less extreme examples, you would not mind making a sacrifice for something he really needs for his health, work, peace or mind. Or even just personal satisfaction. We love making our loved ones happy-
otherwise birthday presents would not even exist.
But, you are starting wondering ( and it was about time ! ) " What about ME ? I am important too, so when is it my turn ? When MY wants and needs are being considered and put first ? Should we not at least be taking turns ? "
Also, you may be wondering WHY he is always short with cash. It can't be always just bad luck ! He must be making impulsive or foolish choices about money. And he must be not afraid of the consequences of a bad choice, ...because he knows you'll always be there to save his ass , so why worry.
I don't want to accuse him of being a cold blooded moocher because I don't know him or the situation, but I would definitely advise to regain baance and learn to put yourself first. Learn to say no, learn to let him deal by himself to struggle with his money problems ,learn to let him grow up, if you want to keep him around ( I would not, perennially needy people are a big drain to your energy, not just to your wallet - but, that's me ).
You want to be his wife, not his doting mom !
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