A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I'm having a very difficult time in my relationship of 8 yrs. We share a child together and my "boyfriend"/ " husband" kicked me out of the house and took my car back due to me having a ladys night out a week ago and my friend and I had a little much to drink and 4 other ladys that were there did too. I had asked my boyfriend earlier that night that he may have to pick me up so answer your phone because he was out to with some friends so I thought perfect no rush. So he kept texting me telling me he was having a lame time with them he was going to go home around 10:00. I on the other never gets out or have any friends, so I was having a good time chatting talking about what's been going on in our lives. And this girl friend our sons are best friends go to the same school join sports together this is how we met. I felt a connection with her. So we were just talking and I get a call around 12:45 am. Threatning conversation watch when I see you, your going to get it so yeah I could have took a cab but I was a little scared. So I went home and tryed to talk to him. He said to shut-up get out of my face. He gave me the silent treatment all week. So it was hurting me, so I spent most of the day away from until the time I picked up my son. And I would be with family after I picked him up from school. So a week later he told me to pick my stuff up and get out. He turned my phone off, took my brand new car that he bought from me. And now I'm staying with my Mom. My son's life is his school and he has sports to attend to. I don't want too keep him away from his Dad and want him to continue on going to the same school. I have no money, so I'm forced to find a job. And my sons father can support him. I still love him and I'm very sadnes due to his lack of trusting me. This is so hard for me, he needs counselling and help before or if we ever get back together. So any suggestions about this situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): From your responses, it is clear that he has a pattern of controlling behavior and raging anger. Don't try to talk with him if he is angry. Wait.
I'd like to point out that his ignoring you is a sign of non response or indifference. This is the opposite of love.
I think he is all about controlling you, owning you.
What did you do wrong? Nothing unless going out was wrong, which it wasn't! He was in a rage because you were out of his sight and out of his control.
After reading your responses, which were not here when I last looked, I think you should run from a marriage that will bring you misery. You were afraid of him and did not go home because you thought he would hurt you. Has he before?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): An important question is whether this is your b/f's normal, patterned behavior or a one-time thing? If it is his pattern, forget him. He is an a...hole! If it is a one-time thing, counseling could help if he settles down and can talk to you reasonably. That should be a condition of a reconciliation if there is one. Counseling should come BEFORE EVER MOVING BACK IN IF THAT HAPPENS. If he didn't agree to it, divorce him because he doesn't really care enough.
Your b/f has over reacted to what you did. I bet if it had happened in reverse, he would be arguing that it was OK.
Well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Don't let him run all over you! Stand up for yourself.
His actions are domineering and controlling, not to mention humiliating by taking your car away and not speaking.
Then ordering you out of the house! What makes him think he had that right? He sounds very immature! Then turning you phone off! Did your son witness all this?
You need a fast separation agreement so you can get child support until a divorce goes through, if it does.
I have a feeling that he will come back apologizing if this is not his normal behavior. I mean this one thing is not grounds for his behavior. Perhaps he was thinking about ending the relationship before, and this was a good excuse.
I wouldn't let him control me. If he calls, don't talk to him about it. Just set up visitation away from your mom's.
Let him know your son will meet him by his car, and watch you son go. No contact!
Ignoring him ant the incident; that would bother him most because it shows your indifference and non responsiveness.
That is the last thing he wants. He wants a reaction; don't give in to him. He sees you as his property and wants to teach you a lesson. Hey, it's time he learned one.
IF THIS IS NOT HIS NORMAL BEHAVIOR and a one-time incident (which I doubt) and he wants to talk, don't do it. Take your time. Think this through. If you decide you want to talk, take your sweet time and make HIM wait--get the ball in YOUR court!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): you both have messed up.
what is an eye opener is this - you need to get off your backside and start working,Yes, you are dependant on this man for everything. you need to start contributing to your household, so that if you find yourself without a mate agagin, you will be self supporting.
your hb/bf was wrong, but YOU as well. do not have the mistaken belief that you did not mess up. you did, therefore he did what he did. next time, learn from this. whether he is controlling or not , he is the one bringing in the dough. at least respect him enough to be home at a decent time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your advice & opinions they mean a lot. Yeah, I totally agree with you. There needs to be counseling on both ends for the sake of my son to take any future steps. And I also agree decisions need to be made but it's best to wait till he cools down. For now it's just down time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): I am not saying you did anything wrong, you just weren't very clear on what exactly took place that evening, nor have you said whether there had been other incidents similar to this where he reacted this way.
I don't know what to tell you to do, all I am saying is that you owe it to your son to earn your way out of the marriage/relationship first. So don't make a decision when you are angry or when he is angry. Make an appointment to see a counselor, you go first, and then if the counselor thinks it would help, ask him to go with you to see if you can't improve your relationship.
And then if you can't with help, rationally make a decision and choose to go if you think that is the best thing for you and your son.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA slumber parties is a adult toy party. That's what the party was but it ended and the rest of the lady hung out and we all drank.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes he knew it was a slumber parties & yes I did talk to him over the phone at 12:45 in the morning & asked him to pick me up, begging him to. That's when he threatned me & told me when I get home he was going to hurt me. So that is why I did not go home. I see this friend of mine every few months not so much. We mostly talk through E-mails. So the way I see it he should have politley said " it's getting late come home". And yes he has a temper that that can be set off at any point & that's what I'm done with. It's not good for my son. There has been times when he went out with his guy friends and called me at 3:00 in the morning to pick him up from a friends house & I sure did no questions asked just happy he was not drinking & driving. Also, we are allways together. He really likes to be at or doing things together all the time. So. I did talk to him over the phone & called him several times & told him where I was at. After the first time we had talked he kept ignoring my phone calls. I fell asleep at 3:30 wook up a few hours later & returned home. I tryed to have a adult conversation with him. But he chose not to, just get away from me. So tell me what you think I did wrong?t
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): You know what from what you say, you do have a seperate social life. In fact you said this woman friend of yours who is married joins you and the kids at the movies, you have lunches out all without your husband in tow.
Did your husband know ahead of time that this was a Slumber Party where all the married women were spending the night over at the place of the party.
I know you may be tired of jealous behavior, but are you sure you are really acting like a partner in a marriage or are you still acting a single, with a mind only focused on what you want, after all you are only common law married.
Are you absolutely sure that you ought to do anything you want with no consideration of what his needs are or what his concerns may be?
It is all too easy to want to be right, but do you want to be right or do you want to be happy. If I was living with someone, and they went out drinking and never came home or called, I would be pretty pissed off, too. If he is at the point of kicking you out and taking your car away, how many of these incidents have you two had?
Any time you decide to go into a power struggle with someone you are intimate with, you have to know you are choosing to be part of the problem instead of the solution. You are contaminating your relationship as much if not more than they are.
There is more to this story then what you have put on the page here, I am sure of it. The way you right this you are looking for vindication from the aunts that you have been sorely mistreated and nothing else....You say HE needs counseling. You are in a relationship with a child, I think you owe it to your child to earn your way out of this relationship by going to therapy with your partner and trying to work on the relationship first before throwing away your child's family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much! I totally agree with you Collaroy:) And we are common law married. But times lie this I'm glad I'm not, and if everything he bought & is in his name it can be hard but it's also more easy to just leave. I have support from family members if needed. I am very hurt with his jelous behavior. I'm pretty much just tired of it at this point! And I haven't talked or seen him since Friday at 4:00 when he blew up on me & threw me out.... So time is key... Thanks
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (31 August 2009):
 Hi,
yep, you are better off without him I say. He is possessive and immature.
Do you want your son to grow up to be like his Dad? An a- hole?
It's a very unfortunate state of affairs, but he sees you as his possession - nothing but a broadmare to his son, somebody who should not have her own life or independence but keep house for him.
Unless he proves he can change his behaviour and grow up, stay away from him. Do not back down and give in to his petulant immature behaviour. He is a pratt pure and simple, he needs to realise that his behaviour is not acceptable in this day and age, you are not his property you are an individual who deserves to have her own friends and social life.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): Ok, so you had too much to drink and spent the night at someone's house and got home the next morning.
It appears you did not call him to pick you up because you were scared? Do you have a reason to be worried that he would physically harm you?....or was he just mad at you for not calling and closing the bar down and not calling him?
If you just didn't come home, he probably feels that you are punishing him for trying to tell you to come home, I doubt that he doesn't trust you, that you fooled around with someone else, it was your lack of respect for him and your agreement that you would call him if you had too much to drink....sounds like.
He is mad and overreacting. I would give him some time to cool off and then apologize for scaring him and disrespecting him and you realize now that you had too much to drink and made a poor choice by not coming home or not calling him to come get you.
By the way a boyfriend is not the same thing as a husband. The two of you have a child together. Why is it that you are not providing a stable home life for the child by marrying his father?? This living together relationship is not on solid ground, it can lead to issues like this, one foot out the door, one foot in. You have no legal recourse if he bought the car and it is in his name.....you aren't married.
If he is trying to be a controlling bastard by not marrying you so he can control the finances, then I think you are probably fighting a losing battle and it would be best for you to take your son and move out and get a job or some education in order that you will have money and can support yourself and your son.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA good conection with another mom. That's what I mean & that's how we became friends we have a lot in common. So we take the kids to the movies, we have lunches. She is a married women with 2 kids. So we get along well. She invited me to a ladys party she was hosting a "Slumber Parties". We had a little much to drink so all the maried women just spent the night at the house where the party was.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI picked my son up then me and my girlfriends all went home, I got home at 7:00. He has no reason to not trust me, all the girls I went with are mothers and married with children. We all just had too much to drink. And I'm probably better off alone. Since he just can't get over his past relationship, so now I had to deal with it. Yeah my boyfriend was at some bars with his guy friends I guess since I had plans.
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