A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Sorry in advance about the long post - i need an outsiders perspective.I have been in an on-off relationship with my ex boyfriend for the past two years. We were together solidly for two years and now we have been on and off for the past couple of years. We broke up because he is muslim and never told his family about me in the two years we were together.We have never been properly broken up for more than a couple of months.I think the reason i keep going back to him is because we both havent really found anyone else and i know he would take me back in a heartbeat but the thing is I cheated on him earlier in the relationship and never told him as we were sort of on a break. I know it was completely wrong and i do feel completely guilty but just feel it would do more harm than good at this point telling him.The point im getting to is I dont know why I did it - i have slept with people since that he also doesnt know about and i feel like im living another life that he doesnt know about. He is literally the perfect guy any girl would wish for.Im not looking for any sympathy in the slightest - just some perspective on why im being such a d*ck about this and making such a mug of him being fully aware about it! And he has no idea!Advice please before my head explodes! Thanks!
View related questions:
a break, broke up, muslim, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2015): He is not acting very serious about you and you are cheating on him the whole time. End it.
If you stay together then he has a right to know the truth about all the other guys. I know it's a waste of time to say this because you've already made up your mind not to tell him.
But I will say it anyway. He has the right to know about everything. "What is best for everyone" includes what is best for him. It does not mean what is better for you when he isn't making a fully-informed decision.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2015): OK cut the self blame.You have got yourself into a situation that will have no happy outcome and so has he.He may be totally attracted to you and you maybe drop dead gorgeous.He may adore you..as a for/now kind of thing..but you are not wife material and he knows it.Hence the on/off breaks.Now as there is no future in this entanglement you are testing out other guys.Fair enough.He broke family etiquette by dating you!You maintain family etiquette by looking for a guy that will love you as a partner and not a dirty secret.Even if you have met his mates don't imagine you count because you don't.Don't fall for one of his mates either.Muslim courtship is not about who beds who.Conquest and rebellion and a mans needs to culturally experiment are about sex before marriage.The only thing is that he has the "Im a good cultural guy "image and "religious bloke family man image" he can go back to...but you will always be the fallen woman.You've even confessed to sex with other men for goodness sake.But no,that's not true either..you have confided to us ..and you want your life sorted.What if God had decided you were a person worthy of some real openhearted loving and set you back on the path of normal dating in a culturally acceptable way to you..would you still feel so bad.We all have friends of many different cultures and ways but we try to respect each others boundaries.You and this guy have been close friends and lovers.Maybe God even smiled on your innocent union at the time.But it hasn't worked out and you both see obstacles in your pathway so I would just dear John him and tell him he is a very dear friend but nothing else..as you have to now respect your parents wishes and find a proper partner..one who buys you a ring and takes you to be respected by their parents,not as a social embarressement or secret life.You need a regular 24 /7 guy who wants a regular 24/7 you with a regular 24/7 lifestyle.Maybe he's another culture ,maybe he's another creed but he has to be into you enough to want to stick by you in a loving way for a long time.Your amour with your friend isn't lasting enough and it puts you in a category where his mates can disrespect you.That's not good enough for a future family life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2015): I know how keeping secrets can eat you up. If a relationship between two loving people cannot be celebrated publicly, then it is doomed. Unless he tells his family about you and stands by you despite the consequences for himself, there is no future for your relationship. He must defy his oppressive extended family cultural tradition. He must realise that what he gains by a lifetime loving relationship with you is far more valuable than the approval and money of distant relatives.Meanwhile you are under no obligation to tell him about any affairs you had while you were split up from him. If he does find out, he must accept that you only did it only because you thought you were free. He must accept your rights, and he must rejoice that you love him more than the others. If he denounces you as immoral, that's the cue to leave!
...............................
|
