A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'm 18 years old. I guess I should start by saying that I have a really troubled relationship with my parents. My dad is an alcoholic, although he is sober now. My mother is just crazy. For most of my life, my mom has been extremely physically abusive towards me (my dad only hit me once, and then got sober) and my dad and brother sat back and let it all happen. Just to give you an idea of how bad it was - imagine being hit so hard with a belt that it literally penetrates skin, horrible, I know. But I'm working through all of that in therapy.Thankfully, college saved my life. And I moved out. Once I moved out, I met an amazing guy and I am lucky to say we've been dating for 8 months. We're very really happy, and really in love. He is incredibly close to his family and I've been lucky to spend a considerable amount of time with them.I don't talk much about my childhood, my siblings, or my parents to him. I'm not really angry at my family anymore and I don't resent them. It's just that in my mind, everything my family touches turns out horribly for me. And I'm sure that if they see how happy I am with him, they'll try to ruin it. And I'm scared to expose him to that. And I feel really bad because he wonders why he's never met them and that's starting to be a problem in our relationship. I think he knows I'm hiding something, but it's also clear that he's kind of hurt that I don't tell him what's going on/want him to meet my family. Although I love him terribly, I'm not quite ready to explain the situation or my past to him (other than my therapist and my roommate that I've known since I was 11, no one knows). And I'm running out of vague excuses to tell him. I can't deal with the petty arguments or the tension anymore. I'm not sure what to do. Thoughts?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 March 2012):
 Tell him the truth, as far as you are willing to go. I'm not saying to tell him the details. But tell him like you told us: You're not ready to tell him what goes on with you and your family. That you will tell him when you feel ready, and when the time is right. But that as for now you don't want him to meet your family, and you don't like to talk about your family either.
He should respect that.
When people, or boyfriends, get close to my family secrets, I say something up the lines of this: I can't speak of this/talk about this, due to circumstances within my family. Unfortunately I can not tell you what circumstances/secrets, as they aren't mine, and I don't have the right to expose others.
Or, if I don't even want to be that specific, I just keep quiet and smile.
I try not to say much to others about my family relationships, because I don't want to portray my family members in a negative way. Not that the things I say aren't true, but because they are my personal experiences with them. Others might see them differently, and experience them differently. And they have every right to see them in a different light that I do. I don't want boyfriends to dislike my father for example, or feel uneasy about him, just because I do. Because my father has a right to form his own relationships with people, and people have a right to form their own opinion of him.
It might be that when they time is right for your boyfriend to meet your family, if they ever meet him, that he is given the chance to form his own opinion of them. And if he gets along with them, be happy for him. If he doesn't get along with them then he wont have to see them again. Make that his choice, once he as met them (if he ever meets them).
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