A
female
age
41-50,
*tsbeen5years
writes:I need to move on from a relationship. I am in a really down place. I feel like I cannot trust even my family as they have walked all over me while I have been trying to recover from something really difficult. I am starting to believe that they just plain don't love me. I need to find friends and moreover a significant other. Someone I once loved walked away with pretty much everything and I am not sure what I even have to offer I feel so empty. What should I do? How will I ever find love again. I feel so damaged and undesirable. I feel like older men are always hitting on me or controlling my life and I wish I had a boyfriend to defend me.
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female
reader, itsbeen5years +, writes (11 March 2012):
itsbeen5years is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI could go on and on about how I have been scapegoated and victimized by the people who loved me most. After confessing I was in love with someone about 10 years ago I was torn to pieces (emotionally and slightly brutalized). Everyone of course who loved me showed me pure unadulterated tough love and suggested it was me who needed to change not the systematic web of lies, isolating, and criminalizing that I was to run into from that point forward. I have relied on my mother for love I desperately want to leave her and her husband who filled with regret and guilt of my failures have resorted to this love hate relationship with me and everything around them. I won't make excuses for anyone not even me but on the same token it is hard to have insight to something that I have never experienced. I have experience de-throwning because I believe my ex-boyfriend (I'm using that term for lack of a better term) started seeing my older and more attractive sister. Ever since that opportunist and unsafe people have tried to scapegoat me and drag me into politics relentlessly. It is easy to use people, it is not easy to face interpersonal issues. I cannot get over him. I have tried- it is like a stake that goes further in everytime I try to pull it out. This is something that is a deep seated challenge for me. I just can't do it- he valued me so little and I worshipped his every move. How does that work out for me in the end? I am seeing a counselor. It is a process that no one should have to go through.
A
female
reader, Jingles +, writes (11 March 2012):
Hi, you have been "used" and your family is probably tired of watching it. They do love you or they wouldn't be so interested; you just can't see it now, but you will in time. I'm not certain if the relationship you "need to move on from" is the same relationship you wrote, "someone I once loved walked away...." No matter....Before my husband died and he knew he was dying, he said, "Babe,you know that most men are not very nice". He knew how naive I was, but at the time I just got up and walked out of the room...don't tell me that I thought. Don't give me dating advice you jerk; you better live and don't give up. I was mad and sad and mad. A few years after he passed I dated a widower from our Church. He pulled me in like a vacuum cleaner then threw me away when someone with more money came along. These were his last words to me, "Well, if you really want to know, I just used you". Long story short it took quite awhile to get over it, but I went to my pastor and at times I've gone back to "booster shot". Your family loves you as mine does, but the best thing is to talk to someone removed from the problem; they can see things in a new light and help you gain perspective. Please take care of YOU and don't worry about what anyone says or what is in your future. You have to heal before you can jump back into dating. The one person you know you can rely on is "yourself" so don't forget it...get to a counselor. You will grow more confident and be able to enjoy life. There is NOTHING wrong with you, some men just want you to feel it is. There are wonderful, kind and giving men out there. Get counseling, it is like a warm fuzzy blanket keeping you safe and before you know it, real love will come to you.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (11 March 2012):
You are not damaged and undesirable, you're going through a very difficult time in your life, these feelings are a natural response especially when you've just come out of a relationship. First, just give yourself time. take the pressure off yourself to find a new relationship, that will come again in time. For now, focus on taking care of yourself - your physical and mental health, and reaching out to old friends or making new ones. Don't try to get into a new relationship yet, because when you're feeling very vulnerable and still 'messed up' from your previous relationship it can lead you into bad judgment when it comes to a new relationship. Focus more on building your friendships because those are not as high-stakes and usually friendships are more unconditionally-loving than intimate relationships because they are protected by more boundaries between the people so it is a lower pressure relationship. Further down the road, when you are feeling better and have regained your self esteem, then you can start thinking about new intimate relationships and be in a better position to choose the right partner rather than be led by your current vulnerabilities and insecurities into a relationship that seems right but is based on not being your true self.
If your family has been making you feel bad and been unsupportive, don't look to them now for support, you need to surround yourself with people who are positive and who accept you as you are. Call up old friends, or make an effort to talk more with your current acquaintances such as people from work. If you're feeling up to it, get involved in some activities that you enjoy to meet new people and make new friends. Getting involved in volunteer work for a cause that is meaningful to you, is a great way to meet and make new friends because you are surrounded by people you already have at least one thing in common with. If you are religious, get involved in your religious community (or get back to your religious roots) as many religious communities are very social-oriented and will reach out to you if you reach out to them.
It can also help a lot to talk with a counselor, many people find it very comforting to speak with someone who is sympathetic and understanding of emotional pain, and who is non-judgmental. You can choose to go for only one session, or as many as you like, it's up to you. If you have health insurance, some times it may cover the cost of counseling.
Again, it's normal to be feeling depressed and low in self esteem when coming out of a relationship and/or being in conflict with unsupportive family, so another aspect of feeling better is to just allow yourself time to experience these uncomfortable emotions and don't pressure yourself with "big" existential questions. However, if you find that a long time has passed where you are not feeling any better and don't have energy to do things that could make you feel better (like building friendships), or if your depressed feelings are right now intolerable and seriously affecting your ability to function normally, then you should definitely talk with a counselor or therapist or psychiatrist, prescribed anti-depressants can work wonders to bring you immediate relief while talk-therapy can help you to untangle your problems and find effective solutions.
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