A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just found out my wife cheated on me when we were engaged. I'm really confused about what to do. Part of me wants to just leave and get a divorce, but my wife and I have been married for more than 10 years and 3 children. My trust in her is shot.I found out that while we were engaged and getting ready for our marriage she 'hooked up' with an ex-boyfriend. I confronted her and she admitted it. She said we had just had a huge fight and weren't talking for about a week. I do remember that fight, but we didn't break up, just stopped talking for a few days. She told me her ex-bf had been calling her the whole time we were dating and engaged, and she just met with him, and 'things' happened. She is very sorry and very upset, but she is still the one who did me wrong!She keeps appologizing and bringing up the great marriage and family we have. I know to her it is 12 years in the past, but to me since I just found out about it, it was like yesterday. I'm very hurt and feel betrayed. I don't know if this marriage can work, I now have huge trust issues. I'm the kind of husband that trusts my wife and lets her go out with her friends and stuff. Some of her friends husbands won't let their wifes go out at all unless they are with, I'm not like that. But, now I am having serious isssues with my wife and trusting her.I don't think my wife has done anything wrong since we're married, but if she could do this to me when we were engaged, I'm starting to think all kinds of horrible scenarios and I'm afraid that if we stay together, I'll never trust her again. But if we seperate and divorce, I'll miss the love of my wife, and I'd hate to put our kids through all that.What do I do? I think we need counselling, but I don't really feel like telling some stranger about our personal stuff and that my wife cheated on me. It's like calling her a 'slut' in public. I'm not sure if I can put this behind me and build a new trust in her, but my wife keeps saying that it was so long ago. Help...
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female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (29 July 2013):
 I'm sorry that you are going through this. A few months after you wrote this, I made a devastating discovery of my own, though I did not get the same comoassion you did.
This sucks. The " it was long ago" people don't get it. Ahe atole your wedding day and an entire dozen years.
How's this going?
A
female
reader, Cicero58941 +, writes (24 April 2013):
My situation is as follows, but very similar:My boyfriend and I both cheated on each other before we got married. However, I just got rid of a married man because I did not want a relationship with a married man. The man I am married to now, was also married and didn't tell me until I found out through a mutual friend. The first married man was still living home and in the throws of divorce, and the second married man, who is now my husband, was no longer living home with his wife and kids. In any case, I had been through a couple bad relationships, and this man was very abusive, and I ended up cheating on him, but he also cheated on me quite a lot, and even with his now ex wife. However, he cannot forgive me and treats me nasty nearly everyday, but I have forgave him, and as far as I know, neither of us has cheated in the marriage.We have been together for over 32 years this year, and I am contemplating leaving. I am tired of being verbally abused and reminded of my cheating, but he also did it to me. I have tried to reassure him that this would never happen on my behalf, and that he caused me to stray away. I try not to bring up what he did to me, but to no end, he keeps reminding me of my wrong. I am at the end of my rope, and what could have been a good marriage, is now getting ready to end for good over something that happened when we were dating.
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A
male
reader, Rjb +, writes (12 February 2013):
I have had a similar case I feel you on this best of luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2012): Just to echo what the other poster whose husband cheated said, it takes years...years...to get past this.
Nobody that I have talked to or worked with ever got past it without a lot of pain, and a lot of time, and 2 years is about the minimum. The problem is that most of the time gets strung along longer by the unfaithful spouse not being forthcoming during the disclosure process, lying, minimizing, or frankly refusing to talk. Even in the best of circumstances, it takes years for the hurt to fade. I know one woman who is still married who says that after three years, counseling, moving on and having another child with her spouse, she simply cannot stop thinking about the affair her husband had and it tears her up.
If your spouse won't work on it, more likely than not you will end up divorced.
You can't save the marriage alone from this kind of trauma.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): OP, I know it hurts, but ignoring it and all who know is not going to heal the hurt. Forgiveness isn't about making her feel better. It's about you and how that event has affected you. I'm not going to tell you to forgive her, but not forgiving her can allow bitterness to grow. However, forgiveness is difficult and takes time. I speak out of experience. My husband cheated on me. I wish I could say I forgave him completely, but three years later and I'm still struggling with bitterness.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): No, it is not "so long ago", it is "now". You just found out.
But, it isn't about you, much as you may hurt and feel it is.
They call it "day of disclosure" and it hurts just as bad whether it was 1 month ago, 10 years ago, or 30 years ago. Whether it was a one night stand, or a 5 year affair.
I know, I've been there, read all the books, and done the years of counseling to save my marriage.
The books will tell you what you can expect, but they will not tell you what you will deal with. People often lie their asses off when they finally confess to the affair...even thought the books tell them not to do this...and the counselor has to really work with you to get the true story out.
Buy your wife a book.
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Affair-Program-Together/dp/157230801X
Read it yourself.
Get a counselor to help you two work on it together.
If you don't work on it, the odds are very high, very, very high, that you will divorce.
Divorce is very hard on children.
A failed but intact marriage is just as hard on the kids.
But keep this in mind, this has nothing to do with you and your physical appearance, dick size, muscles, intellect, etc. It has everything to do with your wife's emotional and psychological makeup.
This will not be easy, no matter which route you take.
My wife cheated on me after 9 years of marriage, 4 kids, house, etc. I can truly say that she could not have imagined a more devoted husband (she says that herself). But she felt inferior. We are still together long afterward, but she's had a lot of work to do to deal with her feelings that originate from her childhood with her parents.
She is short, older than me, and makes at best around 1/5 what I earn in a year.
I am tall, blonde, very smart, and very attractive (at her workplace one day she even overheard a woman tell another one that I was "devastatingly handsome" - they didn't know that I was her husband). This ate at her, and she thought any day that I would come home and tell her it was over. Plus, I made a lot of money, and she felt like "he could easily do better". But, I wanted her, liked her, loved her, and never strayed even when opportunity presented itself. Treated her well, never forgot anniversary or birthdays, and came home every night, even when I had to drive home when their was rioting in the streets.
Her dad and mom did the other things multiple times...cheating, lying, separation, divorce, etc. Every sibling in her family cheated on their spouses...multiple times.
She expected it, and thought she might "trade down" when the opportunity arose.
I have a friend, on his second marriage for quite a few years (20 or so), and I know someone else (female) who said he "looked like a movie star, tall, handsome, beautiful hair and face when he came to town", he now has a very attractive wife who is 13 years younger than he is now. H is wealthy, likeable, very nice and compassionate guy, who you just can't imagine someone not being happy with him. His current wife loves him dearly and yet...
His first wife left him for a fling with a police officer.
You are not responsible for what your wife did, or her feelings that led to that, cheating comes from within...don't forget that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): This is the OP. My wife and I talked a lot last night. We're not going for couselling. I made some demands and they checked out. I know my wife's e-mail password to both work and personal. I locked all the computers in the house, then told her I was going to scan through all the e-mails. I have a program I wrote that can group all e-mails into a list of senders and receivers. That way I only had to check about 100 email addresses instead of reading through thousands of e-mails. I found none from anyone I didn't know, or who wasn't a company or spam. I then also ran a scan on all the content of all her e-mails looking for any 'clues or bad words' and found nothing.
My wife swears she has never done anything wrong since that time. And I believe her. I'm still hurt this happened 12 years ago, but I think she's been nothing but the perfect wife since. I made her tell me all the details about that time for closure, it hurt me a lot to hear it, and I don't forgive her, and probably never will, but at least I'm getting ready to just get past the 'past'.
Turns out that there was a girlfriend of hers, who she still talks to and e-mails every once in a while, who told her to call her ex back after we had our little fight. I don't blame this girlfriend, but I've never liked her and thinks she's trouble, which this incident 12 years ago has proven. I found out about my wife's cheating through a friend of a friend and this other friend actually dated this girlfriend of my wife a few years ago. I guess this meddling 'bitch' must have told him what my wife did, who then told my friend, and that's how I found out.
I'm make it very clear if our marriage is going to work, my wife may never have contact with this girlfriend ever again. I want her out of our lives completely. My wife agreed without hesitation. I think we're going to get past this, I just need to I think sever some of our other friendships with anyone who might know about what my wife did 12 years ago. I don't want to be around anyone who knows about it, it will cheapen our marriage by having others knowing/talking about it. I just want to forget it and put it firmly in the PAST and my wife and I will continue our good relationship. It's still going to take time for me to get over her cheating, because to me it was like yesterday, but in reality it was 12 years ago and before we were married. Trust is hurt, but not broken, I'm just going to keep an eye on what my wife does or who she talks to, but after checking her phone and e-mails for the past few years and finding nothing wrong, I guess my trust will re-build pretty quickly.
Thanks to everyone who answered my question.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): Counselling is a great idea, because perhaps then your wife will understand why you feel like you do. She obviously doesn't, if she keeps saying "but it was so long ago..."
Yes, it was. But that doesn't change the facts. She cheated on you. You now have, quite understandably, trust issues that will take a lot of working through and may, actually, result in you deciding you can't stay in this marriage.
Relationships and possibly marriages most of all depend on trust. Your wife married you with this little guilty secret. There should be no secrets. She should have owned up and then allowed you to make the decision you needed to make - break up, postpone the wedding, have counselling back then. She deprived you of that fair choice.
Personally, I know that I could never trust her again and would have to leave. I know there are kids involved but you can still be an active and great parent. While I can understand you may feel bad for doing this, if you feel your marriage will no longer be happy, the atmosphere won't be right for bringing up kids. In the long run, they would be better off if this was a likely outcome. At the end of the day, you must not feel any guilt if that is your decision.
But go and have counselling. It may well work. I suggest both couples and individual counselling. I also suggest moving out for a while to allow you to get your head around all this. It may be harder to stay home right now. Your wife may also realise just how serious this is and realise she needs to fight to regain your trust and that, if this marriage is to continue, it may be bumpy for a while and she will have to accept that. While the act may have happened in the past, it may as well have been yesterday because that is when you found out. And if she's kept quiet about it all these years, you are bound to wonder what else she has kept quiet about. And you may always ask yourself that.
Sometimes, it is better to cut our losses than live with those questions day in day out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): She cheated on you. You aren't the one who should be worried about offending her.
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A
female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (27 January 2012):
 I am wondering how you found out? Did she just break down and tell you out of guilt? Or another source ? I don't blame you for feeling terrible.
My friend just found out that her husband was dating a girl at the same time as her for the first year they went out! ( two timing ) They are now married for 3 years and have a baby. She is devistated and things have been terrible with them for months now... It's sad.
I think because you do love her and have children together, you should give it a shot at councelling. What do you have to lose? If you still feel that you don't trust her after that, you should move on. Best of luck 2 U !!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 I had the same "problem" and to this day (almost 50 yrs later) I wish I'd been a man and left her. That would be my advice.Start over!
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 Hey pal!
Yeah this is frightening news. Counseling would be a great option... Ive never done marriage but believe me I have issues, just look at the questions I post on here. You wouldnt be calling your wife a slut in public, thats quite an exaggeration. Counseling is confidential and respected and when people opt for it, it is a great sign that they are motivated to work things out, either with themselves or in your case, as a couple. Good luck man.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): Hi mate,Firstly, I feel for you. I dont understand how some guys can shrug off something like that.BUT... as you say, it was 12 years in the past. That's a long time. Also, she still married you after being with her ex. Its almost as if she just had to make sure she was doing the right thing in marrying you. Funny way of going about it, I know but at least she didn't call it all off.Its a sorry fact of life that people cheat. At least she hasn't cheated on you when you've actually been married and the fact that she admitted it means that she CAN be trusted.Maybe take yourself off for a little while, even just stay with a mate nearby - but obviously think of your kids.It's common and it sucks, but it does get easier and if I may be frank - it was too long ago to throw everything away over.Sorry if this doesn't help. Hang on in there chum. It will get easier.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): Counselling is not Public. You sign forms that protect your privacy and confidentiality. Such information is only disclosed at your signed consent on a legal document. Basically its treated like your medical information.So lets put that worry to rest. You say your marriage matters so counselling is a GREAT option for you and your wife to work together to heal and overcome this obstacle of trust in your marriage. Otherwise you are left to wrest with it on your own and no matter what your wife says- will not be sufficient, therefore are you really saving your marriage?I understand you are feeling betrayed and hurt and angry and bewildered and rightfully so.Just heal from this together with your Wife and get unified once more and address all your worries and fears with a counsellor who will help you and wife validate one anothers concerns as welll as teach you both how to problem solve this effectively with open, honest, loving communication.Hang in there.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 January 2012):
 The counselling makes sense....
On the other hand..... I recommend that you spend most of your time/attention reconciling that it might be best to forget this ancient history.... I understand your feeling of betrayal..... BUT, it was a long time ago,.... and, if there is no other evidence of mistrust, then you COULD count your Blessings... and the MANY OTHER great aspects of your marriage and your wife.... and turn, instead, to the future and how great that can be for the two of you...
Good luck....
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