A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, I've been friends with this guy for almost four years. Less than 2 years ago he admitted he had feelings for me since he met me, I admitted I had previously felt similarly, but at that current time I didn't feel the same and we continued just being friends.Recently we hadn't spoken as frequently (I had been in a relationship so cooled the friendship at my partners wish), but have just started catching up. Its great! But, then he told me about his girlfriend of about two and half years who he's "sure he's mentioned before". He hasn't, and the once or twice shes been mentioned in our old messages he made her out as no more than a friend. I met her maybe...3 years ago, and they weren't dating at that point. I feel like he may have got the length of his relationship wrong (as men sometimes do...), but even so I feel like they were probably together when he admitted feelings.Why would he do that? And why has she NEVER come up in conversations? He's not a player, so I don't feel like he's trying to screw anyone over? Am i reading too much into this?
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female
reader, He_Na  +, writes (8 June 2015):
He told you about his feelings. You admitted that from your side there's no such attraction. Once you've refused him, he has the right to move on. You are with your man. I don't find any reason to why that must concern you or why he have to tell you about that. Some boy like their private life to be kept personal. Its his decision :) You guys are merely a friend :)
Don't stress too much on this.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2015): From what you wrote, it appears that in the beginning he cared enough about you to be more than just a friend. You, on the other hand, were not ready for a more serious relationship with him. However, by your own admission, afterwards, you were in another relationship that was more than just a friendship. Now, that that relationship has ended, you want things to go back to being the way they once were. Perhaps, your expectations are a bit unrealistic. After all, you chose another man over him. He must have felt rejected; and since the other woman was serious about him (something you were not), he decided to take his chances with her. So,that explains the current situation. At one time, this other person was just a friend; but that is no longer true. You probably are reading too much into it. The timeline is not the most important thing. You missed your original opportunity to be more than just a friend. Now, the "tables are turned." Can you blame him for what he has done?
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (8 June 2015):
A nugget to take with you through life -
- We're all just as confused as you are.
Male, female, rich, poor, it doesn't matter. We're ally just doing what it looks like we're supposed to be doing, making it up as we go along, and hoping no one calls us out on not knowing what we're doing.
That's true for you, it's true for me, it's true for him, it's true for her, and it's true for any guy you might take a shine to in the future.
What does it mean in this situation?
My best guess (with a severe lack of data, I might add) is that he wasn't really sure where he stood with her in the early stages of their relationship. Things were never 'official' and so he was careful. That way, if it turned out she had no interest in him, he could court you, as he also had interest in you.
Don't take that too offensively either - his interest in you might have been greater, but if she was more available, convenient, and "in his face" he might have prioritized her as the more promising prospect purely out of immediacy. Men sometimes do that.
The question of "just how close has he been"? After this much time, it's a shoe in that they've had sex. Whether or not they still are doing so is not as clear.
Why wouldn't she have "come up" in conversations? That's easy - he's still not sure where he stands with her. However, he's pretty sure making her seem to be his "one true love" will absolutely destroy any future he may have with you. Even if that's not true, he's afraid it is.
Men suffer from the same basic toolbox of insecurities as women do. They act on them a little differently, but only a little.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 June 2015):
 Since YOU claim you don't have feelings for him, it really shouldn't matter.
However, it is dishonest to "declare" your feelings for a girl while having a GF already. YET people do it ALL the time. It's like they WANT to make SURE they HAVE someone before leaving the old relationship. In his case you didn't reciprocate so he stayed with her. My guess is that IF you has reciprocated he would have possibly dumped her for you.
Why he never talked about her? Well, it makes sense he didn't talk much about her IF he was sort of interested in you. It's hardly a GREAT way to get a girl to date you by saying:" my girlfriend and I did this or that..."
However, it really doesn't matter as he is your friend and no more. Except now you know... He is the kind of guy who looks out for #1 (himself).
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