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female
,
anonymous
writes: I’m not sure what’s happening to me, but ever since I hit 30 years old I seem to have been very tearful and started having horrible feelings of anxiety. I have started to lose weight because of the anxious feelings. I didn’t think the weight loss noticed but a friend noticed and my sister has mentioned it too. I am not so worried about the physical symptoms, but more wanting to try to address the reason/s behind them:-Since I turned 30, I am panicking that the chance of doing what I love and meeting my soulmate and having kids is passing me by. I should have addressed these issues long ago. My 20’s just disappeared in a blur (guess I'm mourning them in a way) and it feels like the age of 30 crept up on me. I feel desparately lonely at the moment. It suddenly hit me that I have no friends around here anymore. The last ones have now married and moved out of the area. I really want to make new friends, preferably of my own age, and really want to meet my soulmate but don’t know where to go! I feel very self-conscious and unsafe going out on my own socially and am not sure what to do about it as I realise that the only way I am going to be able to meet new people is if I go out on my own! Truth be told I really can’t drum up any interest for anything at the moment either and just feel bored most of the time because I don’t have anyone to see or go out and enjoy myself with. I am a very loving and caring person and have no-one to lavish attention on!!!I also feel I have no control over my life. I am considered very bright but the only work I can get is temping work. Although I am good at it, I feel lost that I don’t really belong anywhere. I have tried so hard to get into a very competitive line of work that I am qualified for but to no avail. I am finding that month after month of rejection is taking its toll on my self-esteem. I have also been worrying about how I would ever cope emotionally when something happens to my parents. I guess this is normal to get these feelings as you and they get older. Despite a very strained relationship with my Dad, we are a very close family and I realise that I rely on them a bit too much.So, I know what I want: soulmate, kids, new friends, new hobbies and excitement. How do I address my fear of going out on my own to social situations?I know what I don’t want: the awful loneliness, boredom and emptiness that I have been feeling lately.I think another thing that set this off is that I am jealous of a male friend of mine (a new feeling for me as I've never been the jealous type!). He is in his early 20's, has exciting 'adrenaline junkie' hobbies, is out all the time, lots of friends on his doorstep, a full time job, money in his pocket etc. I am jealous of his youth and all the other things I have mentioned!!!Please help me to get a grip!!! Please don't say anti-depressants - done them to death and they don't work for me. It's counselling I need and that's what I've come here for!!!! Thank you very much for any help you can give me.
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (17 June 2006):
 None of us aunts are able to give you counselling on the net as that is long-term, but you may find a course of cognitive behavioural therapy is the key to sorting out your feelings. However, if I take my professional hat off for a moment and replace it with my personal one then I know exactly how you feel. Part of the problem is that in your 20's everything is new and exciting, but by the time you hit your 30's the jaded feelings set in and you also find that people you used to know have drifted away, or you have moved on with your life and left them behind. My husband is ten years younger than me so I find it frustrating that he gets excited about stuff that bores me to death and I am sure it is vice-versa. In my late 20's I was so busy building a career that it was only at 32 that I could take stock of my life and didn't like what I saw. I distanced myself from my so-called 'friends' and dumped my partner who were part of the problem not the solution and walked out of my safe job, and spent time alone. It is not 'sad' to be on your own, and people who say it is are painfully dependent on others. It is good to be lonely sometimes because when someone special comes along in your future you will treat them well. You must get to know yourself as you only have one stab at this life. I decided to work for myself and anyone who is bright and self-disciplined can do that so why not focus on that? I always said I would never marry or have kids but having got to know myself I changed my mind - I met a lovely man in my 30's but only after kissing a long line of frogs. You have to be careful when you hit 30-something in the dating game - you can meet some lovely people who are single for all sorts of innocent reasons, but a whole ship-wreck full of people who are single because they are bitter about the past, have complicated lifestyles and just don't make great partners. I would never have contemplated dating my husband in my late 20's but my values changed by my 30's because I had time to take stock of my life. I haven't quite found the new friends for the new me quite yet, and I keep a few of the old clan around for the odd drink out but I do feel lonely for my kind of people sometimes. So, after all this rambling what I am really saying to you is that you are not alone, and this sort of thing happens to lots of women our age. I think it is a phase, however, and you will feel better if you find something to focus on like taking a course at college, or self employment or whatever takes your fancy. Channel your motivation towards something, and you may find it is contagious and spreads to other aspects of your life too.
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (17 June 2006):
 You are going through all the normal things that a lot of women do at age 30. I was in a long term relationship but you have described a lot of what I felt at that age as I didn't have a child and I felt that I was missing out too.
Yes this site can give you personal opinions and advice but if you think you need counselling then maybe think about it a bit more in a professional capacity as the advice you get from this site is generalised and if you think that your questions have not been answered then just consider it that's all I am saying.
I decided to get very radical at 30 and chopped off all my hair and wanted the world to notice me.
I thought my chance of having a child had slipped through my fingers which was not true as I fell pregnant at 35 and have a beautiful 5 year old daughter now.
Don't keep punishing yourself though. We all try and enjoy our 20's and so just because your 30 does not mean that your life is over, I am almost 11 years older than you and my long term relationship ended after almost 20 years last June but I am positive and rediscovering myself and although it is scary being a single parent, I now that there is a whole world out there and someone special for me as well.
You say that you are jealous of your young male friend right now. He is being proactive and surrounding himself with friends and doing all the mad things he wants to do. Instead of being jealous why not try and join in on one or more of those activities, if he is a true friend I am sure he would welcome you with open arms.
If you are sitting at home feeling miserable but can't be bothered to do anything then it is time to get busy.
Why not join a dating site online but instead of looking for a man, why not go and look for female friends. That is how I have found a new friend and it is great. Just put down friendship instead of relationship. Yes you may get approached by men but it is all up to you.
What do you enjoy doing?
How about the gym or going to classes of some sort like dancing maybe a bit of salsa as people go to that on their own or get your sister to go with you. Once you get yourself out you will naturally meet new friends. Do you like swimming or anything else.
If you sit indoors you will never meet anyone so you have to bite the bullet I'm afraid but ease yourself into it gently.
If you don't like your job why not change what you do or think about retraining into something else.
Look into different college courses which will start in September or evening classes. We can all change our lives if we want to but it all depends on how much you want to change.
If you hate temping which is sitting indoors every day maybe think about a hobbie you enjoy and then expanding on it.
Life can be scary but we all need a push from time to time and fearing the death of a parent is never an abnormal thing to address.
I used to fear death badly and then I went to a clairvoyant evening and I got so many messages from my dead grandparents and no one could know the things I was told that my fear of death evaporated as I was getting a message that life is not over when we die but just the beginning.
Not everyone will believe in claivoyants/pyschics etc but each to their own I say.
My dad is seriously ill right now and 78 but I take each day as it comes and that is the only way to get through it.
Don't expect too much of yourself and don't beat yourself up about feeling low right now.
Just start to plan a course of action and you will soon see that life is for the living. We are here on this earth only once so you have to embrace life and take some risks so start off small and just plan one thing for next week like meeting up with your male friend for a drink in a pub perhaps and Mr Right could be the guy standing at the bar looking at you!!!
Let me know how things progress eh!!
Best of luck.
Country Woman
x
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