A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there!I've never used anything like this for advice, but things have gotten to the point where I'll take it where I can get it.I've been dating the same girl for about 2.5 years now, and we live together. For the past several months I haven't been into the relationship and only really go through the motions. I care about the girl a lot but I just can't seem to find that spark everyone is always searching for. We had had a frank conversation about things and I came to the brink of breaking up with her, only to back down and just give a laundry list of problems I see. I've been in 2 relationships for the past 6 years and am getting to the point where I want to be my own person and stop being with people because its convenient and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. The reasons for breaking up and set in stone, but the timing of the breakup is whats giving me a hard time.I lost my job about 2 weeks ago and I think it has finally forced me to make some changes in my life, including my love life. That is going to make things difficult though, as I have no money at the moment to start a life on my own, and am still living with my girlfriend. So my question is..would it be awful to postpone the breakup until I have money to get out on my own? I don't want to lead her on or have her make sacrifices on my behalf. If I had to I think I could move out early if it makes things better for her, I don't mind going into debt with my folks or something.
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female
reader, Lemony  +, writes (6 July 2010):
I know this isn't exactly advice as such, but I so totally understand what you mean, I'm in a similar situation with my partner of 5 years and its not nice. Trust me on this one, the longer you leave it, the worse it will be. We've been sparkless for over a year now, but are both too scared of being on our own to do anything and its starting to ruin me, especially as I have found someone who I do have a spark with. It'll be hard, but dont end up like me!
Good luck *hugs*
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): Hello,
It can happen to the best of us, especially IF we move in with a girlfriend when really we should be just DATING. I keep saying it, but it's true, dating, girlfriends and boyfriends are NOT set in stone as life-partners, which is WHY we should date for a considerable time to see how the relationship pans out.
From what I see you don't do that, every girlfriend becomes a live-in partner before you've explored IF that person is likely to stand the test of time.
If you are just going through the motions, then it is neither healthy or right that you remain living with your girlfriend, you both need to be free to move on, as she will be unable to do that whilst still living with you. It will give mixed messages, tense situations as expectations will still be as couple ( from her side ) and you will not be able to follow through with actions of the sincere kind.
You have to stop talking about ' you don't want to hurt her' of course NO one wants to cause upset, hurt or pain, but IF you date, live together, you have to face there may come a time when it is not working, and you have to move on, otherwise don't date, as there will always be some rejection along the line. It is how you deal with the situation ultimately that counts, and not staying with her because you are not in a position financially to support yourself 100% yet.
You need to talk to her - honestly, sensitively, no that doesn't mean you back down and end up staying, when you know it won't work, but in a manner that is caring. There must be some friends or family you could stay with until you get back on your feet, and as hard as that would be, it is better for you both to do the re-adjusting separately, so you can both heal, but in particular your girlfriend, as it will give her the FULL potential of finding someone who loves her as she deserves, who won't go through the motions, and for you too.
Relationships are really hard when the spark and love is there, there will always be rough patches, but if one is just going through the motions, then it is a hundred times harder.
Lastly I would suggest when you eventually find your feet again, steady job, own home, DATE a girlfriend, don't look upon her as someone you just automatically live with, or someone to share the bills with so you can have a better lifestyle. Date someone, at the very least, for 2 years before considering a move into together - wait till the first flush of lust has subsided, then see how you feel about each other. This is time when a relationship either grows much deeper as it has real potential, or it falters very quickly and dies. Otherwise you will spend your life moving in and out of live-in relationships when they should never have gone further than dating!
I really hope this works out for both of you, but please don't stay just because of financial reasons, that would be using her, and if it's over, it's over, take some responsibility and accept it may be tough ahead for a while.
Good luck!
Jilly x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): I think its a horrid idea to stay around just so u can support yourself later on, its a selfish act.
If you dont want to be in a realtionship then dont be, but if your staying in one for money sake, you should just leave now. You will hurt the poor girl. Dont drag it out, just be honest and start your new life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): Make sure that this is what you want, that you are not reacting to loosing your job, but iff you want to leave, then I don't think you should wait, make the break and start your new life. Like you say yourself, leading her on or having her make sacrifices for someone who doesn't want to be with her isn't right.
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A
female
reader, AlmostTexan +, writes (6 July 2010):
Quite frankly, the “Honeymoon” is over.
Things can get tough and yes boring in a long term relationship. It does not matter if you married her or just live with her. It’s just easier to leave without the license. What matters is what you do despite those down times. Work through it. If not, break it up now. Move in with your parents or friends and give her a chance to find someone else. Don’t prolong the agony for the both of you.
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