A
female
age
30-35,
*ulipSwirl
writes:I've been in a long distance relationship for over a year and recently I've been contemplating cheating. I knew with distance I wouldn't be the main focus for my boyfriend but I never expected that I'd feel like some days he'd be talking to me out of obligation not because he actually wants to know how my day was. I know I'm an attractive woman but when I can't simulate a sexual response from him because of how tired he is (he works 14 hour days) even though I know it's irrational it makes me feel unattractive and sad. I know he loves me very much and has even been trying a little harder to make an effort to be an active part of this relationship I still find myself gravitating towards a potential lover who fills that void. I love my boyfriend and can't imagine my life without him but I want to feel someone's priority not obligation even for a night. I know deep down it's part of the distance taking it's toll but could a night of unfaithfulness be what I need? The idea of hurting him hurts more then the idea of cheating. Is it cheating if he won't after a year acknownledge me as a girlfriend to his family? He's told close friends but doesn't want to break the news until I move to the same city. I still have a year to go being away at university. I feel like this is something I need but the nagging morals I was raised on won't let me make a solid decision to. It feels wrong but right at the same time. I literally feel torn between the two opposing emotions.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): "Is it cheating if he won't after a year acknownledge me as a girlfriend to his family?"
It is cheating if you are not open, honest, and frankly straightforward with him.
Take some good advice though, don't cheat, it's not worth it.
Another piece of good advice, if someone won't acknowledge you to his family after a year, get out of the relationship.
Really, that alone is reason to terminate the relationship, forget all this other stuff.
"but could a night of unfaithfulness be what I need?"
A single night of unfaithfulness will change your perception of yourself, for the worse, for the rest of your life. If you don't believe this, then perhaps you need to learn the hard way. You will feel like shit, not at first perhaps, but certainly later you will.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (15 December 2011):
 If he is working 14 hours a day I can promise that even if you were living in the same home you would not be a priority now. He needs to eat, sleep and unwind on top of work...
It sounds to me like you are just NOT cut out for LDRs. THEY are harder than Close relationships and reaquire MORE faith, trust, honesty and communication than any other type of relationship.
they suck. I just got out of one. HOW?... we moved in together... I am far from his priority at this point and there are times I get home from work kiss him hello while he continues to work at his computer and don't really see him till he comes to bed later that night with me... and I've been alseep for a few hours....
Sometimes in a realationship the person IS the priority but the obligations of working to earn money so he can see you take precedence.
It sounds to me however like you just need to be with someone who has more time for you and is closer to you in distance.
the hardest part now is to end it with your BF and make sure he knows it's not him. he won't believe you.. the one being broken up with never does but it's sadly the case here... YOU NEED what he in an LDR cannot provide.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (15 December 2011):
 The problem with long distance relationships is they require the all the sacrifices (and some) that local ones do without even half of the benefits. You're getting the worst of both worlds; the isolation of being single with the restrictions of a relationships.
Until there is a date set for one or both of you to relocate, there is no point in making a huge investment. If it isn't official enough to tell family, then it isn't official and both parties are single. All you have now is dibbs on one another.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but if this relationship isn't giving you what you need now and won't in the near future, then it should end. You can always revisit the decision down the line when your circustances change.
The benefits of cheating are short term only, like eating junk food when you're hungry instead of a proper meal. And it's a secret you'll have to keep forever, from everyone.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 December 2011):
 It's a tough situation since nothing big has happened to make the decision cut and dry. It sounds like you two are just growing apart. I will say though that the fact he won't be public about you as his girlfriend is a HUGE red flag and shouldn't be taken lightly. The only reason for him not to tell people is to keep his options open and I think you should take that as an indication that he doesn't really take your relationship seriously.
About the cheating, you absolutely should not cheat. You either need to break up or be monogamous. Cheating would do nothing except break his heart. If you're going to "cheat" break up with him first. Don't be heartless. The fact that you're so cavalier about hurting his feelings is just another sign that you two should probably break up.
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A
female
reader, sleepingbeauty +, writes (15 December 2011):
I was in a long distance relationship while I was away at college and he was at home. I am still heartbroken about having to make the decision but one weekend when he came to visit me, I realized I had no idea who my boyfriend was. I had to call it off with him. We skyped every night and it certainly was not enough to learn about someone. There are a lot of things you should be able to do with your boyfriend and interaction is one of them. I was in the same boat as your boyfriend...not wanting to introduce my family to him until we were in the same city. I was afraid to introduce him, only to embarrass myself if things were to go wrong. And surely enough, that happened. I introduced him and three weeks later, we broke up. He probably does not want to introduce you, not because he doesn't love you, but perhaps because he's afraid the long term commitment isn't going to work. Anyhow, I do recommend you call it off. It'll be hard but you will find someone that will appreciate and love you.As soon as I broke up with my ex, I realized how special one of my school friends was to me and after many confessions, we decided to start dating. I couldn't possibly be happier. Sometimes hard decisions are followed by happiness and true love.
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