A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I will be married 6 years really soon. This year has been emotionally tumultuous as we have struggled through walls of miscommunication in several areas of our relationship. We were the best of friends in college for a whole, so our history goes back pretty far. The constant porn use has been growing increasingly persistent within the last 10 months, and while we have sex just about every day (which I am learning that his use may have no real impact on our sexual relationship), his porn use has remained just as frequent if not more. Now, there was a time when I didn't try to be the best looking as I could or made an effort for sex a couple years ago, but I've made a change of that just recently as I understand how that can impact a marriage and I want to be all that I can for my husband as I feel a wife should whether that's in bed or putting on pretty make up or a nice outfit...for him (and myself) to enjoy. So, the porn use hasn't slowed, but I've noticed I can't get him off as easily, or he gets frustrated if I don't move right this way or that way and will just go to the bathroom. Just two days ago he compared my hand job to playing a bop it toy (thanks and wtf?!), so self concious about anything I do in bed to him. Yesterday he got off work early and searched a bunch of porn sites and webcam sites (which I'm not cool with and he knows ..we've talked). By the way I'm trying to be understanding and open to the use of porn since it hasn't impacted the frequency of our sex lives. He recently shared a fantasy of having a threesome that ill admit I've been curious about but don't know that I could actually go through with it. How do I know he isn't trying to communicate with someone on a porn site? How do I know he isn't meeting someone on the side? Am I enough for him or not? How do I know he hasn't cheated on me? I just feel so confused. We have talked about the porn use a few times. But I can't help but feel undesirable, unatteactive and second best. I know no one can tell me how I'm supposed to feel about all this, I'm still trying to explore this myself. Should I ask him if he has ever cheated on me? I also still feel really hurt that after years of give him hand jobs, oral sex and every position imaginable and him enjoying it that I now all of a sudden suck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): Thank you for the advice! More than anything I appreciate a mans perspective on this. I might be obvious I am having a difficult time (maybe) separating what's real and what's not. What's your opinion on him opening up and asking about a threesome...why he could want one now after all this time? Yes, yes, I know we are married and I totally see the disadvantages to something temporarily exciting and thrilling, but I've hit my interests, questions and reservations about it (that I think we will continue to have in conversation)....but from another guys perspective on the outside, what do you think could have spurned this? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that he opened up to me about it! I didn't overreact, I tried to listen to his side.And one other thing, I don't know if you've heard stories like this or whatever, but sometimes I associate his tone when he speaks to me after he has done his thing (when I'm not there) with what he's done to whatever images. For example, yesterday he was off and I didn't even need to see the history (which is left plain as day for me to see...not to be a dick, but not to be "secretive") so I know he got off, and early this morning was an incident where I tried to get him off and it just wasn't happening so he hit frustrated and finished himself off in the bathroom, now today he's been short with me when I talk to him, like his tone sounds annoyed. Related? Or am I trying to associate the two together? Before yesterday we were amicable toward one another like any other day. So in my head I've got these things associated and then begin to think "I bet he wishes I was one of those girls..." And on and on. Like "fantasy is over wuth all these wonderful things and then....oh...my wife...who can't get me off. Hm". I try not to do that to myself and I'm trying not to assume what he is thinking or anything, but my mind does tend to elaborate on the smallest details. Unfounded?Original poster
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 December 2012):
 Simply put, he has become an addict.
The fact that it's porn can blind that fact, making wives feel like they are not enough to please their husbands. Truth be told, you wouldn't feel that way if the drug was heroin, meth, or alcohol. His porn addiction isn't any different now than those other drugs, because instead of using a drug to raise his dopamine level, he's using orgasm.
Your response shouldn't be one of self-doubt, but rather one of hardline tough love. He has a problem. It's interfering with your marriage. It's one thing to be okay with occasional porn use when it's used responsibly, like a couple of beers during a sports game. But addiction is another thing entirely. He doesn't need tolerance. He doesn't need you to concentrate on trying to be good enough for him not to need it. He doesn't need you worrying if he's cheating (I doubt it).
He needs you to tell him that it needs to be broken, and needs to be done now. He needs to go off of porn, or it will consume him and destroy your marriage. Talk of threesomes?? Him comparing you OUT LOUD to a plastic sex toy? Only an addict is that stupid.
He has to want to break it, and you have to bring the issue to crisis if you have any chance at this. This site might help:
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/
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A
male
reader, Uncle PJ  +, writes (18 December 2012):
 The reason for you not being able to get him off as easily as you used to isn't because you've got worse or you suddenly suck, it's because of the amount of porn usage.
When a guy masturbates often to porn, it ends up becoming the only way he can get a quick fix because that is what he is used to. It's like a conditioning process, if he watches porn he masturbates and therefore gets the pleasure. The more you do it the quicker you'll be able to get off. Which obviously causes problems if you want a quickie with him and hence why you can't get him off as quickly.
I would highly doubt that just because he using porn sites he has cheated on you or is even trying to hook up with someone. Unless he shows any real change in his behaviour or starts acting suspicious, I wouldn't worry too much about that.
The problem with porn is that it is extremely addictive because of the conditioning aspect, porn=pleasure=more porn. As, being a guy, he has probably been accessing porn since his early teens, it may have got to the stage where it is just a routine and is now addicted to it. The good thing for you is that this hasn't stopped him wanting to have sex with you.
The only thing I'd really be annoyed with if being told I was like playing bop-it. Even as a joke, insulting a sexual act really damages the confidence so I can totally understand why this hurt you, and as you quite rightly said, after six years of marriage how can it suddenly be equated to that. (Also must have been the weirdest game of bop-it ever played if you asked me!)
But I'm sure you know that a sexual relationship requires work and matching the needs of your partner. There must be certain things he does that turns you on better than others and it'll be the same for him. Once you've found what really works then keep at it. I'd also suggest talking to him about how is comment made you feel and then maybe just talking about your sex life as a whole to see how you both feel about how things are currently.
Oh, you must also know that you aren't unattractive or undesirable just because he watches porn. Men watch porn to either play out a fantasy they have but could never fulfil in reality, or for the pleasuring aspect. Girls they masturbate over aren't generally girls they'd want to have a relationship or even find attractive in the same way they'd find a normal girl attractive. No guy really wants to ever have a relationship with a porn star or slut, they're there for the purpose of a quick fix. So you mustn't feel undesirable or unattractive because of this. I hope this helps and you can work things out properly with him. I wish you all the luck in the world.
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