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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I APOLOGIZE THIS IS LONG BUT I'M BEGGING FOR INPUT ON THE SITUATIONMy boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months and he is an ex army militant. In our early days I noticed he had a tattoo with a female name followed by a date which when I asked, it took a while for him to tell me it was his best friends (who died beside him in combat in Afghanistan) daughter and he swore to always look out for the little girl. He cried telling me the story and did so everytime I brought it up. Me being fully trusting I believed him. (He has a lot of tattoos so I thought it was just another one to add to his body). I've just found out that little girl (who is now 3) is actually HIS child and lives with his mother. (Now I realise why he never took me to her house) and was from a serious relationship. The whole best friend dying in war story was bulls**t. And I didn't hear this from him but his sister in law, (which I played cool on front of her and then went to throw up in the bathroom). He doesn't know I know and I am at loss of what to do from here or how to confront him. We've talked numerous times about having kids and raising them and how he would be as a father and he never once brought it up that hey - he already is a father. I'm quite a traditional person and dreamed to have that first child experience together. I'm livid and shattered and sickened he would deny the existence of his daughter. I'm so in love with him but the trust I had is now broken. What would you guys do?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 June 2014):
 I'm sorry but NOT owning up to your own children is a deal breaker for me on any level. I do not care if he was afraid you would leave.
the fact that he could lie to you about something so important means he's not trustworthy.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 June 2014):
 How long did he think he could hide this from you? Did he think that you would never meet his mother? He must be crazy if he thought he could pull off a lie like that! Have you never met or even spoken to his mother in 8 months? That's a little odd
Confront him immediately, insist on meeting his mom and tell her about the lie that he's subjected you to. I don't think there's anything left in the relationship to sustain..its as good as over now.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (28 June 2014):
Dear OP,
If I was you, I would confront him.
You've been together for eight months. Maybe it's time to end it and he's not worth your time, but I believe it will still be best for you if you can talk, tell him how much he hurt and confused you by lying, tell him what it did to you. Maybe you will be able to understand - not justify - his reasons. Maybe it will make it easier to find peace and to deal with the situation.
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female
reader, Staceily +, writes (28 June 2014):
 This lie, as any lie found in a relationship, destroys trust. This is a very bad lie however... He didn't just neglect to tell you about her. He lied about the existence of a child, and he fabricated a huge tale about a friend dying and CRIED in front of you when telling it. He made up excuses for you not to meet his mom because it would have outed him. I'm afraid you have a pathological liar and this is far from the last lie you will hear from him. Probably not his first lie to you either.
You can confront him. You will get excuses of course. Probably crying. Probably declarations of his love for you and how sorry he is. I don't reccomend forgiving him for this. I frequently advise to give a second chance, but in this case I think you are asking for a relationship filled with mistrust and unhappiness until it ends in the future if you stayed.
He is a dishonest person. And the only thing that will make him "fess up" now is because you have proof. He didn't love you enough to tell you on his own. And good luck for anything else he lies about down the road if you can't provide proof on, clearly he won't offer it.
Outside of the lying he clearly isn't a fit father. As another poster pointed out his daughter is living with his mom. If he were a good father she would be with him. He would be proud to talk about her. He's not someone to plan children with.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. It hurts like hell to be lied to and find out who you love isn't who you thought he was. Everything will be okay, luckily you found out early enough before children or marriage were involved. I will leave you with a quote..
"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you. " Friedrich
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 June 2014):
 That to me would be a deal-breaker lie. I personally detest anyone who would lie and disavow their own child just to get some tail. I wouldn't care how long I had been with him. If he hid his own child and lied, that's hurting HER. How do you think it would affect her as she got older to know that he has a girlfriend and that she wasn't worthy to be recognized as if he were ashamed of her?
That's one that can't be apologized away or return from. That lie is a bad one and unforgivable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): I would confront him with all of this. I don't think this bodes well for your relationship or his potential as a partner/father that he would lie about something major like this and pretend a fake friend had died. It may be time to break up.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 June 2014):
 I would ask him point blank.
He will probably "fess" up.
His mom is raising his child which would quite frankly make me question his abilities to be a good father.
And secondly you have met his SIL, but never visited his mother? Have you met the mother?
Now he MIGHT have lost a battle buddy, but that doesn't mean it's OK to feed you lies.
Personally, I would not continue this relationship, he has issues that goes FAR beyond lying.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 June 2014):
 If'n you were my Sister... I'd recommend that you dump this guy and find one who didn't fib.....
Good luck...
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 June 2014):
 Were all of you in the same place together? You, your boyfriend, and his sister in law? Or did she overhear your conversation? Did you talk about the tattoo with her some other time? 8 months is not too soon for contemplating long term. You did meet his family members so your boyfriend must think dearly of you.
When people lie, most often it's because they are ashamed of their past, they fear losing you. Doesn't make it right but it's never because you don't deserve the truth or they think you are an idiot and won't find out anyway. They want you to fall in love first, see their good qualities and then you decide if they are good enough to cover the bad ones.
You should start a topic in general about people becoming single parents and dating again and how some people would think that having a child would become an obstacle in finding others. You have to tell him it's wrong to lie because it takes away your power to decide if a first date should move on to a second one, and more. If he has a conscience he will come clean, and should feel sorry for lying. I also feel that lying about a child is sick. How about you ask for the girl's full name and see what he has to say. Then his supposedly dead friend's name and then look it up.
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male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (28 June 2014):
 Firstly, to be fair to this guy and objective, I am assuming you are sure this girl is actually his and not a lie from his sister in law? Have you verified the facts?
Trust is the most important commodity in any relationship. Trust is the foundations, the mortar, the supporting beams of a relationship, without those the whole thing is unstable.
Personally I would find someone else. To be fair, and i'm sorry if this is a bit blunt, I do think you were just a little naïve to believe his story about his dead friends daughter. That to me doesn't add up, although as you say he does have a lot of them.
I don't think confronting him is a good idea. You will only get more lies. Anyone who lies that his best friend got blown up beside him in a war zone, when they most certainly did not, is, well quite frankly, sick in the head. Again I assume his tale WAS a lie as, with the greatest of respect, I only have your side of the story if that makes sense.
I do think eight months together is way, way too soon to even contemplate kids, commitment and so as it takes a lot longer to fully get to know someone. Clearly he has issues, cannot be open and honest and is very good at acting out fantasies and excuses, which he himself may actually believe. Not a good prospect for you, your future or any children you may have had with him.
Mark
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): First of all i don't really understand why he didnt tell you about his daughter? May be because you said something previously that you wouldn't date a man with a child? I can't think of a reason why someone would hide the existance of his child from anyone. If you want to have an experience f having that first child together than find yourself a childless boyfriend.
You guys both live a lie. You already knw about his daughter, it's time to tell him that. But frankly if a man hid from me his child I would question his personality big time. That's a huge lie he was telling you, what lies are coming next?
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