A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some reassurance and general advice. I've been with my fiancée for nearly four years and then last weekend we broke up. It was the next step in what has been a month of hell. Through out our relationship, she has battled with depression. It was the cause of many arguments because she never seemed to actively seek help for herself and often I was left as the only person supporting her. I understand this is enabling but when you love someone it's very hard to sit back and watch them just destroy their life. Over the years she has caused endless issues within our friendship circle with her selfish behaviour and I have always forgiven her. Others have been less forgiving and was told her to her face by one of the, that having depression doesn't give her free reign to behave the way she does and that the only person who can sort this out is her. I have always stuck by her - even at the loss of some of my own friends who thought I was being a doormat. But in the last couple months her behaviour has just spiralled out of control. I have become a shell of myself. I've become inward and cold and I've felt completely isolated and trapped. She seemed to be starting to invent problems in her head. I know everyone can sometimes see problems when they aren't there but she was actively creating issues. She'd say conversations had happened when they hadn't. She'd say someone had done something to her when they hadn't. And then she'd use these made up situations to fuel her anger and bad behaviour towards everyone else. I felt completely helpless. What is the point in supporting someone to overcome issues if they just make up new ones? For the first time in our relationship I started to agree with our friends that she seems to just love the attention and is obsessed with having issues. If everything is going fine and there's no issue, then guaranteed she invents one. She gets a headache. She picks a fight. She starts moping about something.Through out our relationship, my mental health has taken knocks because of her. The turning point was about a month ago when she started using the made up stuff to treat me badly. She'd pick a fight with me over something that didn't happen. One morning after a night out she told me I'd behaved badly the night before. I didn't remember this but apologised, but not before she proper laid into me for it. We had a huge row and I was crying. I later found out from a mutual friend what had actually happened that night was that my partner had behaved badly and that a few of my friends had told her to back off because she was following me around the club and being creepy. Nobody had any problem with me. The reason I couldn't remember behaving badly was because it just didn't happen. And yet, in my partners head, she turned that around in to everyone was mad at me. It was just a complete lie. Over the last month there have been a lot of situations like that and I finally just felt too much and we broke up. More and more, I feel her behaviour is malicious. If she genuinely can't help it (which she claims), why is it not coming out at her work? Why is it never directed at her family, only me and her friends? Since breaking up, I. feel like a bomb went off. I have lost a lot of friends over this. She has friends who just seem to enable her behaviours and I've had non stop abuse and accusations of abandonment. Ive also had abuse from some people who I thought were my friends but who obviously aren't. I know who my real friends are. I feel really, really guilty about the break up but feel I have no choice. Being around her is mentally draining and I feel like it's no longer a relationship.i feel I'm her carer. I care about her but she needs proper psychiatric help, which I just cannot give her. The longer I stay in a relationship with her, the longer I put my life in hold. I'm terrified she'll drag me down with her. When the lies started, it just seemed like it was game over. I am STILL uncovering lies from the last month or so. I feel so awful about breaking up. I'm heartbroken. But I don't see what other choice I had, she won't help herself and in the meantime I was having to deal with unreasonable behaviour which included telling lies about me to my friends, invading my space, hacking my computer, and then all the lies she made up to have a go at me about. I've come away from the home we share and am at my parents. I'm contemplating moving back to where they live and starting over but this guilt I feel is all consuming and is destroying me. I ex is texting me constantly saying she loves me and that she can change and that I should come home but as usual all I'm hearing is HER needs. She doesn't seem to recognise that being near her is unhealthy for me and damaging towards me. I don't know if she is being genuine or if this is more premeditated behaviour. It all seems very erratic. Up my heart is breaking every time she says she loves me. I have to continue to talk to her about things like bills and rent but every time I do, she uses it to start a conversation about us. She's deluded. Am I doing the right thing? I am completely torn and worn down. I've only been away from her for a week and already I'm realising how much my energy was taken up by supporting her and dealing with her dramas. I broke down to my best friend the other day (one of the few people sticking by me) because she said she thought I'd lost my way. She asked me if I could tell her what it was I wanted. I couldn't. I no longer know who I am or what I want because my life is absorbed my my ex partners mental health. That needs to change. I'm excited at the idea if starting over. It's sad and I'm hurting but I feel I could do it and make a go of a new life. But the constant abuse from others is making me feel guilty. I feel like there is this black cloud I can't get away from. How do I deal with breaking up with someone who is this mentally unwell? The people having a go at me, dont even understand the extent if the illness because she lies to them Constantly about it. Help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 June 2014):
 Time to cut yourself of from her financially, mentally and personally.
1. the place you shared was in whose name?
If it is in YOURS you need to transfer the lease and ask her to leave.
If it is in her name (or both) have your name removed of the lease.
2. Bills. ANY BILLS that have your name on, you need to turn off and pay off. Like let's say the electric bill is in your name, you need to CALL the company and tell them you are moving out. Then you LEAVE her a list of all the phone numbers for all the UTILITIES you have shut off so she can call and have them transferred into her name (some companies MIGHT let you transfer them into her name, but not sure how that works in the UK)
3. Any credit/atm/debit cards she has had access to needs to be cancelled. (if she has had access to your bank BE SURE to remove her).
4. Phone contacts, if the contact is yours, remove HER. If it's hers and you were added, REMOVE yourself. Or CANCEL the phone and start a new contract with new number for JUST you. Again not sure how much sharing there is on phone contracts in the UK. But it's something to consider.
4. CHANGE ALL PASSWORDS. For the phone, computer, e-mail, Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram, bank, insurance.
5. MAKE sure your WORK knows not to patch her through. If you have a central call center, they need to know.
ONCE all this is done, THERE is no need to talk to her any more. GET it done asap.
Find a job closer to your parents and then find a place for you to live.
CUT the contact 100% that means you BLOCK her number (or get a new phone number and tell friends & family NOT to give it to her) - remove her, block her (and any of your "friends" who support her from your social websites.
TAKE a good 6 months off from dating. DO NOT throw yourself back in the game til she backs totally off and you have come to terms with the fact that you dated this nutter way too long. And I say this because I totally agree with WiseOwlE's statement that you have become a drama queen with this woman in your life. You need to work on YOUR part in all the drama. Loving someone doesn't mean you are "free of blame" when you enable a sick mind. I think you know that. And I think you need to deal with that. I think counseling would be really good for you. If you start dating before you have DEALT with this relationship you might end up in a relationship VERY much like the one you left. Just with a new partner. Because in some ways YOU are thinking like that of a physically abused person. Making excuses for HER and your OWN behavior.
STICK with people you can trust. Do not let her manipulate you through other people.
Talk to your family, make sure they do not give her access to you, your new number or new address.
Last but not least, DO NOT jump into any drama over her. If someone comes and have a go at you over this woman, tell them you are DONE with the EX and WALK away.
CONSIDER getting a order of protection. IF she doesn't CEASE to try and contact you.
https://www.gov.uk/apply-to-the-court-of-protection
LOVE has nothing to do with all this. Not any more.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 June 2014):
 There's a possibility that she did not intend to cause you harm, unless she is psychopathic or narcissistic and gets something out of seeing you hurt. She could be paranoid and thinks that the world is out to get them, sadly including loved ones. Usually paranoia is an overcompensated effort to protect oneself after a trauma in life. When you say she lied to others about you, it could be "telepathic voices" telling her that you did something bad. There is no reasoning with a paranoid person. For example if she said you cheated and you ask her for solid evidence, she couldn't but still thinks you cheated.
You may find it hard to break up with her because there were good memories and there are indeed people who heal from mental illness, given time. First she needs to realize she has a problem and seek psychiatric help. The right kind of medicine will stop her auditory hallucinations. When you separate from her it is for your own healing. You can allow yourself time to rebuild your own life. Only you can decide if this break up is for good. But right now don't worry about that just pamper yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): In addition to what I've said. If she makes unwanted appearances or makes threats, call the police. If she's sick, they'll see she gets the help she needs, and will protect you from further harm. It just may come to this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): You have to seek your own mental-health counseling and therapy. No if's, and's, or buts' about it. You stuck around too long. You are somewhat of a drama-queen and a crusader, trying to prove you can take-on anything and make it better.
You stayed with a she-demon who made your life hell, and lost friends because of it. She isn't the only one who has psychological-issues.
You went over-board being a caregiver; getting caught-up in your nobility. All you got in return, was total bullsh*t. You became a victim of abuse, and like most women who do; they don't remove themselves from those situations until they're damaged physically and psychologically. Now, you are in need of repair. You suffer post traumatic stress.
Block her from your phone. Do not take all this drama to your parent's home. Move out of town if you have to. Get this mess under control; before you go home to your family. They shouldn't be subjected; if she is still in contact with you! They shouldn't have to deal with her drama. You are still enabling her, by allowing her access. SHUT HER DOWN AND CUT HER OFF!!!
It isn't fair to continue this, if you go home. You had a choice, and you stayed and watched everything collapse around you. You didn't even appreciate your friends enough to protect them. Instead, you proclaimed your ever-lasting love and devotion to a very destructive person; who didn't even reciprocate love in return. It sounds almost masochistic. Being willing recipient of her constant emotional-torture. I have to call out; so you'll see it and break free completely. She still has some control over you.
Yes, you need therapy to repair what you've subjected yourself to. It's not your fault she's sick, nor how she hurt you. You did expose and subject your friends to her worst behavior! I do not recommend that you engage yourself in a committed-relationship for awhile. You would repeat your past mistakes, and likely enter another abusive relationship.
That's usually what happens when you remain in one too long. You've forgotten how to function in a healthy relationship, or think otherwise. You have to be reprogrammed and rewired. So you'll again realize your self-worth, regain self-control, and not take on a martyr-mentality within a toxic-relationship.
I admire the friend that told your girlfriend off. She was correct. Depression is no excuse for being cruel, destructive, and vicious. Her mental-illness is one thing; her cruelty was deliberately executed. She was a bad person to begin with. Her bipolarity made her all the more dangerous and destructive. There were things she had absolutely no control over. Her mind is literally sick.
The fact you couldn't recognize that your feelings were misdirected; and weren't being fairly reciprocated, shows you too have some emotional issues that may require counseling to understand and correct.
No one remains in such turbulent situations knowing better. Don't blame it on love. You still have the responsibility to think and use common-sense. Control destruction and maintain order.
You have some healing to do, but you will need professional-help. That will help you to better recover from the trauma, and collect the strength to cut her off completely. She is not capable of doing anything but harm. Being friends with her is not an option. She will never change, and your feelings are being wasted. You have to protect and take care of yourself. You also have to protect your family from what she will do in retaliation, or out of desperation. She's very creative at getting back at you.
Counseling will also give you the necessary tools to deal with this type of intimidating behavior, intended to draw you back.
Keep her away from your family. Establish no contact. She's socially-functional enough to be contemptible. Let her deal with her own survival. She has friends, you say. Let them care for her. She has a family and therapists to care for her during crisis. You must get help to stop being a willing-victim.
I do not withdraw my characterization that you are a drama-queen. You started to feed off the negative-energy that made your relationship. You defended her when she was wrong, you went to your friends to express all your suffering; but ignored their advice. Dramatizing your loyalty and devotion to someone with a caustic-personality disorder. You had every opportunity and reason to leave her long long ago. You didn't. The lengthy post you have written, is your testimony to it all.
Stay as far away from her as possible. She's dangerous!
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