A
female
age
41-50,
*efuddled1
writes:Jenna Jameson has stolen my man and I want him back!I have been with my boyfriend 4 years and at first we had sex a lot (as you do), we were adventurous, watched porn together, discussed fantasies and had a bloody good time. After a few months things started tailing off (as they can do)...he stopped initiating sex as often and asking for naughty treats (not being too graphic in case some wee nippers are reading) and I thought things were just calming down and thats how things went with couples...been there in previous relationships. I wasn't happy though because we weren't having as much sex as I'd like and when we did have sex I personally thought It was ace and he seemed to too.He started bringing more and more porn home, I enjoyed watching it too both with him and when he wasn't home. He was initiating sex less and less so I started to see a problem, i knew he was watching these films a lot, at first he admitted it. About 2 years ago I confronted him about his lack of interest...by now we were only having sex when we'd got in from a club feeling wrecked once a fortnight or so. he said we'd just got out of the habit and he would make more of an effort for us...not that it should be an effort. Nothing changed, so I gave all our porn away...he didn't say much.Still no improvement, but he reassures me he thinks I'm gorgeous and turn him on etc. During an arguement I ask why he shows no interest in me, he says (being nasty) that he's too busy looking at girls online. So i check....Even if i so much as pop to the shop he's logging on for a quick fiddle! tons of it. he even squeezes one in 15 mins before I'm due in from work!I've even come down from the loo to find him flicking through the freeview at the boobs...and I only popped for a wee in the middle of a film! So...i get upset and ban him from watching porn online. he promises he's got no films.I have become evil controlling porn police!!!!!Still he doesn't initiate sex...I'm scared to initiate sex because i feel i dont do it for him anymore.then last night I go searching, I find lots of porn dvd's under his stuff in his wardrobe. I feel gutted, he's lied! I am bad girlfriend snooper!Anyway i confront him, I say he has nothing left for me because he's playing with himself all day long. Why should I be content with sex once a month because he'd rather watch some eastern european teenager bounce on some massive sextoy? He admits this is the case and he is obsessed with it and watches it loads and it is effecting our relationship. He says he'll stop. I dont think he can. He will lie again and I'm destined to shrivel up sexless because he prefers porn to real sex. he says he knows he's just being lazy. arghhh!Why cant he watch it occassionally and still have loads of dirty fun with me? I dont want to lose him but i feel so inadequate. Am I wrong? I dont know anymore?
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female
reader, Befuddled1 +, writes (28 August 2011):
Befuddled1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question hi, I suddenly thought of this site and read the question that I asked 3 years ago. maybe some of you who were kind enough to answer aren't using this site anymore but I thought I would give you all an update anyway. I am still with my boyfriend, 7 years now. I have stopped stressing out about porn. He has an iPhone now so full mobile access to porn and I am cool with it. Our sexlife is better than it was, I think he realised that I wasn't going to hang about if he didn't show any interest in me. I am glad that I am in a better place but I still think that having such easy access to porn is having a detrimental effect on people's relationships. Anyway thanks to those who took the time to answer my question, I did find comfort in your words...Thanks :0)
A
female
reader, Befuddled1 +, writes (27 August 2008):
Befuddled1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell done anon for breaking away because enough is enough. I'm hoping that my man can try to sort this out and we can get back to having a normal relationship. I'm probably fooling myself that this problem is not going to rear its ugly head in the future again but I don't feel quite ready to throw the towel in just yet....You cant leave until the time is right and you cant take no more! or you just end up coming back and putting up with it again anyway.Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.Good luck for the future and I'm sure you will find a brilliant bloke who appreciates you in every wayx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): hi befuddled, i wrote a similar posting on here a while ago and am now in the middle of a breakup from my porn addicted bf, i too became the porn police searching everthin from pc history hard drives bank statements, everywhere i looked i found it, the crunch came when after promising to give it all up he ran up massive bills paying for it on the nightly channels after i had fallen asleep. he also has it on his mobile phone and spends £60 a week on downloads, it will never end and i cant devote my life to checking up on him it was making me ill, the relationship is now over for me and i am looking forward to moving on kissing new lips and being m ade love to by whomever comes along in my life,porn addicted men have bno place in my life i need sum1 who is not afraid of intimacy and real tastes smells and feelings he has had so little interest in me i sometimes wonder if the fascination is with watching the men and not the women hmmm who knows i no longer have the need to explore his mind for answers, i know the problem is his and not mine and i am not going to be the woman who enables him to continue with his habit any longer, i wish you well and hope the ending is a happy one either with or without this man.
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A
female
reader, Befuddled1 +, writes (23 August 2008):
Befuddled1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou all for your advice, I cant believe it has taken me over 3 years to finally realise I cant go on like this.I have had a proper talk to him and told him how I feel. He has said he knows he has a problem and he hads got rid of the dvd's, he said I can check the pc or get rid of it and he doesn't want to lose me.So there it is...it is 2nd chance time. Who knows what lies in store but it probably involves me searching crevices and corners of my house for porn, scouring the computer for evidence and generally being a control freak...bad times. never thought I would end up like this!If our sex life doesn't improve at least I'll know it is time to move on and that we've just had our time.Thanks again guys xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): Hi
No your not wrong and i agree with everything you have said..and you sound like fun and he is a sad git who doesnt deserve a real wman..i would go and find a man that wants to play and have real fun...xxxx him and leave him with his unreal life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): I swear this is the scorge of the century and cited now in 50% of divorce cases where it was previously unheard of...porn addiction!
Unfortunately some men become so addicted to porn that they train their brains and penises to react only to porn and not to real women.
I am one of the unfortunate women that has had to leave a man I loved very dearly because he was only interested in having sex with me about once a month. I personally like sex very much and was more than willing to watch it with him, but he selfishly wanted to please himself only and my needs were never addressed. He cried profusely when I left but he couldn't change. He even went to sex anonymous meetings to address the situation, but the porn had too powerful of a grip on him.
I hope your man can loosen the grip on himself for the sake of your relationship, but it isn't easy for them once they are sucked in....what I found by researching the subject is that this addiction has nothing to do with sex at all but is instead a chemical addiction. Your man is addicted to the chemicals his body releases during orgasm...these are very powerful mood altering chemicals and are more addicting than heroin.
If he is indeed addicted, he will follow a very predictable cycle of desensitation and escalation in the type of material he watches....in other words, he will start watching harder and harder forms of porn and things that he never thought would turn him on....i.e. violence, bestiality, bondage, urination. At some point the porn will not suffice and he will change his method to telephone sex or virtual sex and then acting out with anonymous strangers. This is a very predicatable path IF he is addicted.
If he is not addicted, he can walk away from it without causing himself any discomfort, that is the true test of an addiction.
If you find he is truly addicted, loose him or you will lead a life of sorrow.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): As with anything, it is possible to become addicted to it. Some women do it with soap operas and some men do it with porn. It sounds like your bayfriend has allowed himself to become addicted and it has become a real problem for him. It has also caused a real and hurtful problem for you. He needs some serious help with his problem. He is so lucky to have a woman who accepts porn and actually likes it and then he has to abuse that and use it to excess and ignore your needs.
I watch porn. My ex wife used to like to watch it with me and it was a real turn on for both of us. My current wife likes it to a lesser extent, but likes to watch it with me and doesn't mind me watching it alone. I used to have a higher sex drive than her and she was happy with me using porn instead of wanting her to have sex 3 or 4 times a day.
It sounds like Tellulah has run into an unusually high percentage of men who are addicted to porn. My wife had the opposite experience. She had never watched or never had a boyfriend who watched it as far as she knows until she met me. It immediately interested her when we started to watch it together. Of course, her first husband was screwing other women so I guess porn was nothing to worry about.
There have been times in our 29 years together when I would watch porn too much, but I never did it whenever my wife was in the mood for sex or even cuddling. Porn was just not nearly as good as a real woman, even if it was the same one every night.
I can see a man getting addicted to porn when his partner just isn't interested in sex, but I can't understand how he can prefer it over most any woman. Even a woman who is not that great in bed is better than the best porn.
Women whos partners watch porn to the exclusion of sex and affection with them always seem to worry that they are not good enough in bed or are boring. Let me assure you that is not the case. All you have to be is affectionate and like sex to be way better than the most exciting porn. When the guy prefers porn to you it is entirely his problem and not anything wrong with you. My wife doesn't do some of the things that we see in porn and I don't expect her to, as a lot of that is very uncomfortable and not even worth trying. We are very adventurous as is.
I have to commend Tellulah for her attitude after her run of bad luck with guys and porn. That type of experience could turn a woman against men in general. Like she said, nobody is perfect. We just have to learn to be happy knowing that we are with the best that we are likely to find. My wife and I both have our faults. There were times whan we were not completely satisfied with each other, but we never wanted to leave and find someone else because our past experience told us that we had both found someone who is better than we had before in most every way. That is the best that we can reasonably hope for in life. Perfection would be great, but it is not reasonable to expect.
As Tellulah said, porn will normally eventually become boring. I have never watched it for great lengths of time, as it is the same fake stuff over and over again. The faces and bodies are different, the positions are different, but it is all the same. I get bored with it after a while. I also just want to jump my wife if I watch it before bed or when I get up early in the morning when I can't sleep. She will say with a smile, "You were watching porn, weren't you?" The bondage stuff has never interested me and the stuff worse than that is a turn off for me.
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A
female
reader, Befuddled1 +, writes (22 August 2008):
Befuddled1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah and he's probably already got it stashed under the bed!
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (22 August 2008):
 Hi,
Thats the problem with porn it is very adictive. I think that some guys dont really take it in as to how it effects thier actual relationships, which is very sad. The fact is its so easy for guys to get now, I think there are an awfull lot more men that are addicted to it, than will admit.
My partner was totally adicted to hard porn when we first met (and I mean hard) and I found it very strange. My previous partner was also adicted to porn, but of a rather different nature, actually I'm not sure which was worse.
My previous partner would not give up watching it and would make my life miserable by wanting to act out some of the stuff that I found a bit sick. He was also a bully so I left him.
The partner I have now, also liked to watch porn (bondage). I had never seen some of the stuff that he liked, and found it a bit scary at first. But I think I just grew acustomed to him wanting to watch these images, and you may find this hard to believe but they no longer scare me. Although I never joined in with much of it. It just didnt do anything for me.
What I am trying to say is that its not thier fault that they get addicted.
I just let my partner get on with it until he was totally bored looking. He doesnt like it anymore, and he hardly can be bothered to look anyway.
Our love life is not back to normal, and dont think it will ever be as lustfull as it was at first. But he would never admit that looking at all that stuff effects you, but it really does.
Well anyway, I love him and I stick by him, even though he has his faults. I guess it boils down to what you can put up with. None of us are perfect are we?
Good luck XX
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