A
female
age
36-40,
*ijacked_dignity
writes:Alright. This is a really long story. My current boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now. Before we met he had this friend, let's call her Katie. He and Katie knew each ooher from a mutual job and she started out really cool and everything but then she cheated on her boyfriend of three years and broke up with him, only to turn around and become a total whore when she went back to uni. It was around this time that me and my boyfriend got together. She still attempted to keep in contact and would call him up to THREE times a night, even though they never really hang out. I saw it. She did it while I was there. He would hardly answer or give her much attention. He kept saying how he didn't like what she had become. So when they finally did hang out one time, he stayed over at her house to the wee hours of the morning playing video games at her parent's house. I know nothing happened as far as cheating and stuff went, but it still made me pretty upset because we had talked about him and Katie the night before and that I would feel uncomfortable if they stayed out so late together. So for a while nothing else happened because he didn't talk to her. Then a couple weeks ago he invited Katie and her current boyfriend to a show with us. They talked a while and for one reason or another, I was still bitter about what happened before. Jealousy sucks. And the horrible thing is that I have a ton of guy friends and yet my boyfriend never gives me any issues. On the flip side I have been getting rid of a few of them because they don't really respect the fact that I have a boyfriend. Now the current situation: I ended up getting really drunk a couple nights ago and called my boyfriend to randomly chew him out about stupid little things. It was the first time ever that he has gotten mad at me in the year we've been together. I mentioned Katie too. The next day I drove an hour and a half to apologize and I even told him if he wanted to hang out with Katie, he could. But he said he wouldn't because A) he really has nothing in common with her anymore and B) it obviously makes me feel uncomfortable. It honestly does make me feel uncomfortable and I don't know why. I keep remembering how many times she would call him and that one time they hung out. It's not fair of me, I know. It's illogical. What should I do? Try to convince him that it's my issue and he should hang out with whoever he wants? Or should I just be honest with myself and leave it up to him? Advice would be helpful and appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): It sounds like he has given you a great offer. You told him he could hang out with her and he rejected. He said that not only did he not really want to, but he didn't want to make you uncomfortable. That sounds like a great guy.
Just take him up on his offer and don't overthink the rest of it. But now that he has said he will not see her, he should remain loyal to that. If he continues the same sort of relationship with her, then you can tell him one more time
"look.. I told you to see her if you wanted and you made me really happy by saying you wouldn't anyway. This is really your choice, but I really need you to stick to your word. If you tell me you won't, then don't. If you tell me you will, then do."
I think you should leave this alone for a while though. There is some insecurity within you that makes you obssess over this girl more than even your boyfriend does.
You have to let the past go (the videogame night and all) and see that he is a good guy. He said he will stop seeing her becuase it makes you uncomfortable and you are lucky to have him.
And I can understand that it does not help you that he doens't seem to care what guys you are hang around. It's good to see a little jealousy in our significant others; it's shows us they care and in small amounts, is endearing. You may want to talk to him about this and try to find out if he's putting up a jealous-free front. If he is, tell him it's ok to let it down. That those things need to be duscussed at some point, and that it won't change how you feel about him.
And good luck!
~Sy.
A
female
reader, lovingit +, writes (29 June 2009):
i think that if you tell him its ok to hang out with her when deep inside you really don't feel that way its going to make things worse my best advice is let him know how you feel and it sounds to me that he understands and he respects that you don't like them hanging out so move on and personally if that happened to me I wouldnt want them hanging out either there's just something weird so tell him how you feel about the girl and get on with your lives don't make it a big deal
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A
male
reader, Wreck +, writes (29 June 2009):
 ..Mmmm I cant speak for you or your boy freind because idk if you go out with other guys and if you do go out with other guys then its only fair for him to go out with other girls such as katie. But if your like me and my girl freind its kind of like you cant go out with guys and i cant go out with girls then I think its only fair for you to tell him that he cant see Katie , and its good you let him know it bothers you it was the thing to do it helps in the relationship if you talk to your partner about what makes you feel uncomfortable and if he wants to go out with katie then be like you know what thats fine , and dont tell him nothing but then right before he leaves just let him know you and some other guy are gonna go out also and then you will see if he really cares. If he cares and tells you not to go out then let him know that it also bothers you when he goes out with katie.
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A
male
reader, dan026 +, writes (29 June 2009):
 Honestly, although trust is a must have in a relationship, he should not hang out with her. It upsets you, he doesn't have a basis for friendship with her, and she has a reputation for being a cheater. Given all this information the only reason they have to hang out is to have sex so you have a logical right to be angry if they do get together. Your bf sounds like he understands though, so be grateful he cares enough to respect your wishes.
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