A
male
age
36-40,
*uey666
writes: Hi there,I'm posting because I need help with a relationship/sexual problem that is entirely self-inflicted.I met my girlfriend a year ago and we're still crazy about each other. She is 27 and I'm 25, and she's my first girlfriend and sexual partner (cos I was always something of a loser with girls until we met). Now my girlfriend is no slut but she has been with a fair few lads before me. She's just a normal, free-spirited, up-for-anything sort of girl, which I love. She is quite open about her past, as I would be if I had one I guess.Basically, most of her previous relationships don't bother me at all but one in particular does....she had a long-term but casual relationship with this guy at university who sounds like a bit of a player (she wasn't his only "****buddy" at the time), and she told me she did some fairly kinky stuff with him (anal sex, sex in public, swallowing etc etc). She doesn't regret any of this, which I do understand, but it makes me feel crap. Our sex life is good, but its a lot more limited. We have talked a little bit about it and she says says that the reason we don't do as much kinky stuff is because I was quite sexually inhibited at the beginning, and she wouldn't feel comfortable about introducing anything new. She also said she likes the fact that I respect her enough to not want her to do stuff like that.I said, "well if you don't want to then I don't want to either", which is true. I don't want to put her under any pressure, as that would be horrible of me. But it's hard not to feel a bit frustrated. I'd like to try stuff once and not feel like a creep for wanting to. It also makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Does she not fancy me as much as that other guy? She obviously has this spontaneous, experimental side to her so how come she did that stuff with someone else and not me? She says that I'm a much nicer person and a better boyfriend than him, so why can't she relax as much with me?I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel about all of this. I love her so much that I really don't care if she is the only girl I ever sleep with, we are just perfect together. She loves me too and says I'm the one for her. So do her family. She's my best friend and I fancy her like crazy. But this inadequacy I'm feeling is threatening to kill all of that. I can't get all these visual images of them doing this stuff out of my head. I don't mention it to her but I'm enjoying our sex less because of it.The last thing I want to do is lay some massive guilt trip on her for some stuff she did a long time ago. But I can't help feeling a bit like that guy in Chasing Amy....as if she's had her fun with the bad boys and is now settling for boring old me. Or maybe it's more that what she did just sounds like fun. She laughs about that stuff now, it's a funny memory to her. She just doesn't want to do it again. Maybe its really her that I'm jealous of, for having all these youthful sexual adventures, rather than him! It's a possiblity...I realise all of the above may make me sound like a total jerk but I'd rather get it off my chest to the dearcupid forum than say any of it to her.any comments are appreciated!
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best friend, her ex, her past, jealous, player, sex life, swallow, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): Wow. You seem so mature and grown up about dealing with this, and you and her seem to be great together.
I think the moment a guy starts to see a girl as a "slut" about her past, he totally ruins his chances with her being sexually adventurous with him. You are handling this well, by not labelling her, and instead realising that a lot of your feelings probably come from your own lack of experience.
I think when it comes to wanting to do more kinky stuff, like anal, or swallowing, cuming on her face etc, you need to introduce the idea WHILST she is turned on, and either via role play, or through being dominant.
Try not to be too "nice". Things like "I'm happy to do whatever you want to do" because whilst that makes you a "good boyfriend" it DOES NOT make you a great lover.
Take a look at her uni hook up. He wouldn't have said he respected her, he would have dominated her - and made her feel a highly sexual woman.
However, you are in a MUCH better situation with her, because you can play the loving boyfriend AND the dominant lover. You can be all the things for her.
Now - she has the deep emotional connection with you, so deep down, she will want to show that through sex. You just need to, in the bedroom, show your dominance and that there is nothing she will do sexually with you that will make you label her negatively.
I really think you could have a great relationship from the way you describe things... so stick with it. Remember to be a strong man, and not dwell on the past. You can be everything to this woman, and when you are - she'll never look back and will be yours for as long as you want her to be.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): You arent a jerk. She probably didnt always have that experimental, spontaneous side. Remember she had to start somewhere too! She was probably just as shy and unconfident as you sound. BUT, unlke you, she had guys that coaxed that side of her personality out of her. You only have her to do that for you and it doesnt sound as if shes been very good at it. So go back to basics with her. Tell her you would like to try something different and suggest something you really want to do. Practise makes perfect and if you are to be a good lover you need to try different things. You arent a creep for being sexually curious, we are all made that way. Im sure if she knew you were really interested she would try things. My partner had hardly any experience when we met and he was shy. I suggested things sometimes and he seemed ill at ease ect. It actually put me off trying things with him because i felt i was being rejected by him in a sense...when it was just him being shy! Make sure you havent just come across as a little cold and uninterested to your gf, when you have felt shy or unconfident about certain things. You need to talk frankly to her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): "More mystery, less history," is what a wise man once said.
However, since she has already told you so much: You could say to her that since she did that stuff with the other guy it makes you feel less close to her that she won't try it with you as well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): She's had her fun with the bad boys and now she's settling for boring old you.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (22 February 2010):
 The patterns of our sexual interactions with a particular partner are set very early on in the relationship and it certainly can feel uncomfortable to change those patterns.
Wait until you are on holiday, somewhere with a new environment and somewhere where you are outside the normal patterns of your life. That is when you can introduce something new into your sex life without it feeling weird.
Getting home from work in the evening and saying "Sweetheart I'd really like to have some sex in public this evening" IS going to be weird. Waiting until you are in a beautiful (semi) public place when you're on holiday, giving her a kiss and a cuddle and whispering in her ear "I want to fuck you right here, now" might just get the job done. Failing that there is always the option of some discreet hotel balcony sex...
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