A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband (I’ll call him Karl) and I married last year. I’m in love – my husband is the best person I’ve ever met and will ever meet. We’re expecting our first child in a couple of weeks and are very excited (and nervous!). My problem is this: Karl is dealing with depression and jealousy. His mom is a psychiatrist and says that Karl suffers from clinical jealousy (meaning that his jealousy stems from mental illness and not from anything that I’m doing). First, thankfully, Karl knows that he is suffering from a mental illness. After jealous “episodes,” he always apologizes and says that he knows that his comments / behavior were due to the mental illness and not due to any bad behavior on my part.Second, Karl has never been physically violent with me or with any of his previous girlfriends or his family. I am not concerned that he will engage in violence against me.His comments and behavior, though, are extremely troubling for me. Here are some examples:I work almost exclusively with women. My boss, however, is a male. I telecommute from home, so I communicate with my boss on a daily basis via email and phone calls. Karl is not working outside of the home and is around all day when I make work calls. Karl constantly accuses me of preferring to spend time / talk with my boss instead of being with him. Karl has even accused me of wanting to have sex with my boss or leave Karl to be with my boss. Frankly, I find my boss repulsive and would prefer not to work with him, but at this point, I cannot quit my job. My boss has never shown any interest in me and I am absolutely not interested in him. I would never leave Karl to be with him or with anyone else. Karl’s comments, though, make me feel extremely nervous when I have to talk with my boss on the phone. On several phone calls, Karl has shaken his head at me, slammed the door, and left the house. Two times, when I’ve been on conference calls with my boss and other (female!) colleagues, Karl has insisted that I mute the phone so that I can speak with him. His constant vigilance makes it extremely difficult for me to do work. Since I’m the only person earning money in our family right now, I feel like his behavior is putting my job and our family’s income at risk.Karl constantly accuses me of looking at other men or preferring to be with strangers rather than with him. To avoid these accusations, I tend to look down when we’re walking in a public place, so that he can’t accuse me of looking at any man. Karl tells me that he dreams that I am sleeping with Karl’s friends. When he’s suffering from jealousy, he believes that the dreams have predictive value and that I will eventually leave him for someone else. I love him with all of my heart and soul and will never leave him to be with anyone else. I have told him that I would much prefer to be alone forever than to be with another man (I valued my independence before I met Karl and really enjoyed spending time by myself – running, reading, or strolling through the city). Now, I almost never have any time alone. Karl even follows me to the bathroom and is sad if I won’t shower with him.The other day, Karl told me that he would prefer that I not develop any “significant” friendships with any men. I told him that obviously I would not, but that I am concerned that I now do not have any friends because I don’t keep in touch with anyone (all free minutes after my day of work I spend with Karl). I used to have a lot of male and female friends with whom I socialized regularly. Now we do not socialize with anyone beyond Karl’s mom and sister. My family lives hundreds of miles away from where I live and I rarely speak with them because I feel like I need to constantly attend to Karl’s needs.I’m very concerned about the effect that the illness is having on our relationship and will have on our family after our baby’s birth and I’m not sure what to do. I am at a loss for how to respond to his behavior. All of this said, Karl did not show any jealousy until February of this year. So I am hopeful that he will be able to change. When he’s doing well, he says that he wants to control his jealousy, but he doesn’t know how. Any suggestions?
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female
reader, Smileypants +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Clinical jealousy?? Hmmm. Google that. See if it's a real diagnosis- it's not, by the way. Sounds more like momma trying to downplay her sons tantrums to you. He needs to agree to go see a neutral counselor. This is just excessively needy, and unhealthy for you both. He needs to go get a real diagnosis, and work at learning what he needs to do (or take!) To help control this behavior. It would be a shame for him to lose his child and loving wife because he can't stop himself from pushing you away.Just re-read your post and see how you sound like a battered wife. I know he doesn't hit you, but there are other ways of being "battered". You look down in public, lost all your friends and feel trapped and smothered. You need to be clear and firm with him that he needs to seek help for how he's acting.Good luck to you both, and congratulations on the upcoming birth of your baby :o)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): I agree with Karl's mother that his jealousy doesn't stem from anything you're doing, but I have to say I've NEVER heard of such a thing as "clinical jealousy."
If his paranoia infact stems from bipolar or a schizophrenic condition, then surely there is medicine and a regimine that can help him? Frankly, the person the least qualified to diagnos Karl is hs mother. I would get a second opinion if I were you. The way you've described your relationship, you're not married to Karl, you're babysitting him. Why wouldn't his mom want to share that duty with you and make excuses for him? He sounds like an overgrown child.
Frankly, the amount of attention and time you spend with him doesn't sound healthy for you OR for him. How will he ever learn to manage his mental illness solo if you give in to his tantrums all the time? He doesn't have a job. He interferes with your (and consequently his)lively hood. He asks that you have no other significant relationships. He's a train wreck waiting to happen and you're letting him take you with him. It's sounds like you're enabling his problems to some degree by giving into his demands. Seriously, I would consider divorce before he comprimises your ability to make an living and have a normal life...
You've told us these troubling scenarios and defended yourself to us. I believe you and I think most people would too. You aren't interested in cheating on Karl. Either you have to accept that Karl will believe this and never trust you or you have to consider leaving him.
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