A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my man for nearly two years now and in the beginning our sex life was fantastic, we couldn't get enough of each other. For the last 6 months he has been on antidepressants to deal with some old chilhood issues. However, we rarely have sex these days. I have tried several times to bring up the subject and he said it was the tablets. However, when we looked up loss of libido it said he would have no interest in sex, masturbation or porn sites, yet he made a point of getting some porn from a friend which I agreed to watch for his sake "to see if it helped" and there was nothing wrong with his erection. In fact, he managed to keep erect whereas normally it goes flacid part way through, making me feel that he doesn't fancy me anyway. Now, what has happened, it that I have NO interest in sex. I said all along in our relationship I hated porn and he used to nod in agreement, when all along and according to his friend he loves porn but chose not to tell me in order to save the relationship. So I feel it was an underhand way of his to introduce something into our relationship which I was clear about my dislike from the beginning. Now I have to admit we got some mild porn and it was actually quite a turn on to begin with, but the images have stayed with me (and no doubt him) and bottom line is I just don't feel sexy anymore. What I have worked out though is it's all about fantasy and perception - at the end of the day the porn stars werent doing anything I'm not prepared to do but it somehow looks "hot" when it's on screen and all seems a bit samey and boring when you are at home. So every night we get into bed, I kiss him goodnight and that's it, we sleep. He makes no move on me and I feel so undesired and unwanted. I have never had this in any of my previous relationships. He swears he loves me but where do we go from here? I also found some sites he had visited on spanking and fisting, stuff he has never ever talked about with me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): Please don't feel so bad about yourself.
No doubt your man is even more horrified by the loss of libido than yourself, and has been turning to more and more extreme porn in the hope that something will bring his sex drive back.
While he's on the medications, it may be time to step back and try to spend enjoyable, nonsexual time with each other... even make a pact to NOT have sex for a while. He's under pressure to have sex he doesn't really want-- you're under pressure to become superhumanly sexy to overcome his low libido. Just try to chill. Spend time exercising together and courting each other, but focus on your emotional and intellectual bonds for now. If you have fun with each other, you won't care so much about feeling physically attractive. Then when the meds are off, your relation will still be in good shape and the attraction will return naturally.
No more intercourse until both of you are good and ready!
A
female
reader, thesoundofbeadyeyes +, writes (8 June 2008):
hello there lady!
I found my boyfriend of nine months watched porn behind my back on a few occasions and it made me very upset for quite some time. i was jealous and questioning of my own sexual worth whilst being surprised and dismeyed that he found the plastic women in porn arousing. naturally, i compared myself.
anyway, in an arguement about it, I said: 'how would you like it if you found me watching porn?!' an idea which greatly turned him on to my surprise. we watched porn together and what (visibly!) turned him on the most was my commentary on what I liked. Im quite picky as to what i find interesting (as all women are) but he was soley interested in my choice. he liked the idea of me watching sothing really 'dirty,' and it added life into what was sometimes a very samey sexual routine.
try not to compare yourself to the women on porn, men just like to see sex, filth etc! perhaps suggest that YOU choose somthing to watch (avoid just male porn though!). do this in your own time so you dont feel pressured by him looking over your shoulder, then show him what you liked.
another thing is, he loves you. it is sometimes difficult to see the person you love as simply a sex object, because you care for them. if that makes sense? wife and whore are roles generally onsidered mutually exclusive i'm afraid.
as for the spanking and fisting, he may have just been curious; there is so much out there it is quite interesting! or perhaps escapism - extreme sex could just be exaggerated fantasies. most men do seem to find anal immensely fascinating. he might not necessarily want to partake in fisting!
sex on antidepressants is difficult. variety and spontanuity are essential. . its what everyone says but try new things! relax and find some porn you like at leasure? baby oil? aural sex? or you want porn sites that aren't so much about fake breasted women, try public sites such as youporn, redtube and xtube (if you dont mind me suggesting!) Lots of hit and miss but its free and better for female viewers, I think.
make sure you talk to each other and be open and relaxed. have a laugh about what is hot and what is just funny! suggest it prior to sleep! make an evening of it, wine etc.
good luck and i hope this helps, take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): Oh GodI am with you! I am in exactly the same situation. My partner is on antidepressants too and says he can’t even be bothered to masturbate. I got him to come once with my hand and by telling a dirty story. It has made me totally insecure about my body because I feel he can’t get the pressure from having sex with me that he needs. I don’t feel desireable in my own right, at least not sufficiently to have normal lusty uncomplicated sex. I have had one child but feel as though I must be totally useless “down there” now. I even bought a vaginal exerciser. He used to look at porn, I think occasionally, although it may have been more than I thought. Once the initial fire of our relationship started to cool I had to do more and more dirty stories to keep him interested. Sometimes I felt like a spectator of my own love life. Anyway, now it has all but disappeared and I used to love it so much. He says he loves me too, but I know he does not fancy me at the moment. By the way, I felt even worse about telling the dirty story because he NEEDED it, and therefore I felt inadequate. It was no longer an optional extra, this was confirmation that I am a boring yuck. I mean now he can only get off looking at other people’s bits, mine don’t work. AAAaarrgghh. Perhaps I need someone to give me a good shag so I know I am still OK. Actually I would never do that. I don’t think that doing other dirty things will help, maybe nice undies etc, but be careful not to bruise your ego and set something in motion that becomes relied upon. I expect a sex therapist would recommend other things, such as a programme of total abstinence followed by gradual re-introduction. Friends I know have done this and it works but you have to do it with a therapist. If they tell you no sex for three weeks you obey. If you said it, it would cause questions and challenges. I think my man has issues which are coming through now that our relationship has settled. Maybe his use of porn was partly to get comfort because it does relieve tension. He also has post traumatic stress and other issues.Whatever you do, don’t start thinking that the things he does are down to some failing on your part. The fact that I have started to do that too shows how easy it is to get completely demoralised. Deep down I know I am still desirable because I have never had problems with men before. But there is still a niggling doubt and I sometimes want to cry, put on a winceyette nightie and succumb to being a pensioner before my time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): Hello there, I certainly understand what you and your husband are going through. I'm a 38 year old male and about a year ago I started take the antidepressant effexor. Well needless to say my libido went to zero. My wife of 19 years expressed the same concerns that you are having. That being said I could write you a book on the things that we are doing to spice things up but here's the short list. Set one day out of the week for a "date night" that has seemed to help for us. I.E. Keep your schedule clear. Be alot more (for the lack of a better term) slutty or freaky, say or suggest things that are not your normal routine. Wear a new sexy bra or panties that he's never seen before. My wife had a terrible habit of wearing the same old tired nightgown everynight. Try some role playing. Hope some of this helps and good luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): i no how you feel ive also been with my bf for two years and his always told me he doesnt watch or like porn. Im the one who has gone of sex as ive had two children and feel really disgusted in my body. I catch him looking at other women and i found texts to other women and ive catched him watching porn! i was so angry because he lied to me and i felt so worthless. to top it of i found that the porn sites he visted was ones of large housewifes which really made me feel sick. All i can say if your not happy get out why you can the worse thing you can do is stay and let him get y0ou down to the point you begin to dislike yourself.
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