A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really don't know where I've gone wrong in my life.I'm 24 years old and not one area of my life is working out the way I'd hoped. No matter how lacking my life is I maintain my bubbly personality and never let anyone see I'm down. I never stop caring for and trying to help other people. Needless to say, I've gotten to a point in my life where I'm completely content with the person that I am.Unfortunately, my family absolutely hate me and I can say that without hesitation. My sister has suffered from an eating disorder for years and over time, this has put an emotional strain on my parents and altered the dynamic of our family. My sister has all the help in the world but does absolutely nothing for herself. I'm sure it's part of the illness, but I can honestly say I've never met a person that is so deeply selfish. My parents tiptoe on eggshells around her while she demands constant emotional and financial support that they give her endlessly. It seems though that their anger is projected onto me instead - the easy target. My mother has over the years developed a deep hatred for me for no real reason. She hates everything about me, even telling me that the qualities about myself that I'm proud of (the empathy I have for other people.. ) these strengths are in fact weaknesses. She tells me I'm useless, to get a life, to look at my thighs in the mirror, that I've let myself go. There is absolutely NO truth to this. I am tall, slim and a completely healthy size for my age. I have tried to argue with her that I'm happy with who I am as a person and that I'm content with my body, but this only seems to anger her FURTHER. It's as if she can see that inner confidence inside that needs to be stamped out! She yells at me to look at myself and sort out my life! She looks for any way she can hurt me, while claiming she only has the best intentions for me. Some nights I'll get home from work exhausted without the energy to defend myself against her personal attacks and I'll retreat into a sobbing mess. This seems to please her and she immediately leaves me alone after this, only to treat me as if I'm invisible for the next fortnight.Why haven't I moved out you might be thinking? Well, here's the next problem. I've been in a 7 year long relationship with my boyfriend who has shown me all the kindness and support I could wish for. This man is absolutely everything to me - my soulmate, my best friend, my kindred spirit. I realise, growing up in a loveless family how rare it is to find someone that accepts you unconditionally, someone you can feel completely free with. Unfortunately though it's as if there's been a stopper put on our relationship, something preventing it from moving to that next level. For some reason my boyfriend has never wanted to make the break to move in with me, no matter how much we love each other and how well we click. There always seems to be a reason he can't move in with me yet.. and I realise when I'm typing this that it's been 7 YEARS! I don't feel that I'm wrong to be hurting after waiting this long. But part of me feels guilty for trying to demand more from him than he's willing to give. I've spoken to him about this several times, but the conversation seems to end up going nowhere.. it's like the ONE thing I CAN'T talk to him productively about. He reassures me he loves me more than anything in the world, but without any type of committment from him after all these years, I have trouble at times believing that. Every year I think things will move forward, yet I finish that same year equally if not MORE disappointed than the last one. I know that this has nothing to do with me. My boyfriend had previously a few years back told me that he we'd move in together when he wasn't under so much stress and pressure. He said he felt that the hard time I'd had in my job and the support I'd needed from him during these family problems had made it harder for him and he's felt he's lost touch with himself. Over the last couple of years I had made it my ambition to sort myself out, teaching myself to deal with these setbacks with my family sensibly.. without falling to peices and crying out for support and encouragement, knowing that it is NOT me with the problem. But these last two years that I've felt I've done so much healing and growing hasn't changed our relationship at all. We have no romance in our relationship, but still a fantastic friendship. I just really don't know what to do.. do I keep waiting.. is this indeed me?.. What am I doing wrong? I continuously ask myself whether it's something I'm doing, but the bigger part of me says I couldn't do anything more. I feel I've put so much effort into the relationship with my boyfriend AND my family.. but both have just fallen apart.What would you suggest the best thing for me to do is?
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ambition, best friend, confidence, moved out, soulmate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, done it  +, writes (26 April 2008):
Doesn't sound like hatred, sounds like jealousy to me, probably because you are caring and nice and they aren't. You haven't done anything wrong, your sister and mother are being emotionally violent toward you. Cut ties for a while steer clear of them is the best thing to do. I am fed up with living in a culture that says stay and stick it out. Not worth it, get out and get some healthier minded experiences in your life, people are not worth it including parents and sisters. They owe you an apology. You have also worked in a job and have a wage, you will cope with your own place, and maybe then your partner will visit you there and start to feel more like moving in.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): Thanks both of you for your wonderful heartfelt advice. It's great to have someone confirm it's right to be feeling the way I am. You've certainly made me take a different look at things.. you are right that I settle for less than I really deserve. Thanks for your support :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): Just because your boyfriend does not want to move with you, that doesn't mean you have to live with your parents. Even if you don't make enough to get a place alone, you could get a room mate. There are ads for room mate's wanted all the time. I wouldn't think your life at home were so bad that you'd still be living there. Move out, take some space from your family members that are treating you badly. Perhaps your mom wishes you would move out and that is why she's being so mean? I'm not saying that is fair. It seems like you put up with too much from people, and that is a weakness. After 7 years your partner won't commit to living with you? How selfish is that? You need to get your own place and cool things off with him. You probably think he's a better boyfriend than he really is because you're so used to being treated badly. Who knows, you may find him changing his attitude toward you when you get some independance. Or you may even meet someone better. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (20 September 2007):
 i feel sorry for you but your sister is not selfish, she is unwell, and recovering from an eating disorder requires strength and determaination which if you don't have you try to get the support from family. however, i don't think your mum is fair in putting you down, she should not be implying you are overweight or fat when she already has one daughter who is ill through weight issues. your mum is the problem, not you, but maybe she is just under alot of strain finding the energy to help your sister and needs her space. 7 years is a long time to be in a relationship but the more you push your boyfriend into something the more he'll pull away. sometimes it's hard for man to make a committment but try and explain to him why you want to move in together. if he doesn't understand maybe he doesn't appreciate you as much as you do him?you need some time to think about yourself and away from the stress of everyday life! take a time out and get your head together. think positve thoughts, remind yourself of your qualities and prove your mum wrong. i'm sure she doesn't hate you but it sounds as though you hate yourself, as much of a cliche it may be, until your confident and happy with yourself, how can anyone else be? you have a chance to rebuild you life, maybe seeing a counceller could help determain why you feel the whole world is against you and help you to see that life is only as complicated as you make it, so start thinking about yourself and let everyone else have their own views.
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