A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I got married at 22 and when 4 years passed, my wife had a problem and she died, it's been 3 years I can't get over it! Knowing she's dead keeps me awake all the time rendering me always afraid, worried, I love her that much that words can't describe it! I tried everything! I tried therapy 7 Friggin times, Never worked out, tried everything in every possibility! I CAN'T HANDLE THIS NO MORE! Please It Would BE VERY VERY VERY APPRECIATED If someone would help out! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, msbrknhrted +, writes (26 January 2011):
I can sooooo identify with you. Reading your email was almost like reading my story. I am in the SAME BOAT as you. I don't know what else to do either. The story of my spouse was the same as yours. I have read the answers to your email, and one in particular was helpful. I only want to say that I really and truly know your pain and I understand. I will pray that the both of us can find healing....not to forget.....but so that we can function and move on.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (29 August 2009):
 I can only empathize with your sorrow and grief.
It seems to me that you are a man of passion and great devotion to your wife and her memory.
It is very hard for the ordinary person to understand when you are truly devoted to someone the loss of that person from death or otherwise has an impact that is no less destructive than a bomb going off in our life.
Few people truly understand the kind of earthly devotion men have towards women that they truly love deeply. And when the death occurs, its so excruciating that it occupies our thoughts and leaves a gaping hole in our hearts.
You have the advantage of youth. When you fell in love with your wife, and her subsequent passing, she did leave you with an incredible gift and alas .... a terrible hurt from her loss.
You learned to love deeply, with great devotion. Your love was sincere. From everything you have written, your wife was the center of your universe. Her loss from everything you said was personally devastating.
Your struggle is the loss of a dream, the loss of a future, and the loss of the one woman who inspired you to live life to its fullest. With her passing you have lost a huge piece of your self.
My suggestion to you is that you try and connect with yourself. It won't make her memory fade from your heart. But you need to find peace with yourself. You need to concentrate on a future without her, and plan for the day when you can devote your heart to another person.
You have the greatest gift of all, the ability to love honestly. Most men do not understand it, and it may take them decades to learn what true, honest devoted love really means.
Your heart is broken because you revered your wife, respected her and honored her deeply. She was so very fortunate to have you, and I know you were so very fortunate to have had her in your life.
The hardest part of recovering from this loss is recognizing that you still have an obligation to walk among the living. It is so very hard to look around your home and not be reminded of the things that she enjoyed or both of you enjoyed and not think of her. Her memory is vivid and strong in your mind.
But you need to look forward rather than backward. This is an untenable situation for you. Your grief has turned into loneliness and you need to move past that.
I will bet if you take the time, make the effort to start dating other women, you will eventually find a loving woman to try and help fill this void in your life. This means you will have to learn to trust and rely on someone else to fill your wife's shoes. Its not fair I know.
Think of it this way. If your wife could speak to you now, knowing that your life is being wasted and your heart is in such agony, wouldn't she encourage you to find someone to give you the love and devotion that you finally deserve?
I think if she did have this way to empathically soothe your suffering, you would finally reach out from your island, and open your heart to someone else.
I don't think doing this would in anyway betray your love for your wife. No one can blame you for fulfilling the most basic human need, that is to be loved.
Its never easy getting over a loss like this. I know from personal experience the loss of sleep, the loss of appetite, and the dispirited feeling that you have no will to move on in life.
But you have to do so. The reason why you can't take this any more is because you are allowing the pain to overcome you.
The grieving process is designed to allow a person to let go finally and heal the wound. For those of us who are passionate and so devoted, the healing process is long, painful and difficult.
This only means that your devotion to your wife was great. It is admirable, noble and the most selfless devotion a man could give a woman. You gave her that gift during her life. This undoubtedly was very deeply and greatly appreciated by her.
Focus on the times when she was happy with you, and think of it this way: she would want you to find someone to help you live your life again.
I would urge you to try with every ounce of strength you have, to find a good woman to take you into her heart. When you do, the lessons of love that you learned in your marriage will bring a great deal of happiness to you and your future spouse.
We all truly wish you luck. Remember that you deserve to move forward in your life and you deserve to be loved, despite the passing of your beloved wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): I am very sorry for your deep loss. There really is no way to get over the loss of a loved one especially a spouse. I know because I lost my husband.You never get over the loss you just learn to live with it. My husband passed away seven years ago and I still think of him every second of every day. I still love him with all my heart. I just no longer cry every day.The pain never goes completely away it just gets easier to carry. The person that said you will go a day or a week without thinking of your wife has obviously never lost a spouse. I would never want to go an entire day without thinking of my husband and certainly not a week. Its rather offensive that someone would say that.There will come a time that your memories will no longer be filled with pain and longing. You lost your best friend, your lover, your confidant, the mother of your children (if you have children), and you lost the person that you made your future with, in a way you lost part of yourself. This type of healing takes a long time, but you will get through it and you will come out of it stronger than you have ever been. But for now take care of yourself.Many times friends and family mean well but they are afraid to talk to you about your loved one because they think it will remind you of her and the pain (as if you could possibly forget). Often they think you have a certain amount of time then you should be over it. That is ridiculous, it takes as long as it takes. Allow yourself to heal in your own time in your own way.I think one of the things that helped me the most was that I journaled a lot. I spoke to my husband constantly in my journal as if he were there. This made me feel close to him and it helped me be more objective if I had a problem. I also moved away by myself. I am not recommending this, this is just something that I did. I moved away for a year so that I could grieve by myself without worrying about how it was affecting other people. After a year I moved back and that was extremely helpful to me.Please just find people that you can talk to about her and about your pain. It helps if they are friends that knew her. I found it much more helpful if I spoke either to someone that knew my husband or that had been through a similar experience. It is not helpful when other people that have never lost a spouse start trying to show you that they had a similar experience when they lost their brother or mother (not the same thing not even similar). Losing a spouse is unlike losing anyone else because that person was wrapped in every facet of your life.Be kind to yourself! Find things that you love to do and do them whether you do them with others or by yourself just do them. One day you will be happy again, one day you will laugh again, and one day you will have a special woman in your life again to love. In the meantime be good to yourself.
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (28 August 2009):
 I dont know your religion. If you believe in God, you get down on your knees every night and you pray for healing. Pray hard. If thats not an option then you go out and find a widowers group. A group of people going through what you are going through. Both can help alot. Personally the praying helps me.
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A
male
reader, Mr.Whatever +, writes (28 August 2009):
Im sorry for your loss...but i dont think that you can just not feel something.. therapy and that crap works for some people maybe ur not one of those people... i guess that say acceptance and even that is not easy to do.. its not easy getting over someone you love.. the answer would be you will eventually figure it out.. or you will learn to accept.. i cant accept my loss.. but im just telling you... im sorry that you have to go through all that... i pray that god gives you strength..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): Have you tried group therapy? Maybe a person going thru what you are going thru can help you find the answers you need, not some therapist who can't relate to the pain you are in.Good Luck, I hope you find the answers you need to cope with your horrible loss.
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