| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I'm (usually) a very happily married, middle aged woman (my husband is about a decade older than I); we're both highly educated and very open and liberal in our sexual relationship. I do anything he asks, suggest things I think he'd like but won't ask (many well outside the mainstream), and have a very active libido. I'd have sex daily, but I don't demand it, although I would like it at least every three days or so.He prefers internet porn more often than real sex. I'm sure (and I know him very well) that he masturbates to it without me (although I have offered to watch, fellate him while he watches, mutually masturbate with him (which I have, but no to porn), make our own private movies (which we have), and add my own porn selections to his collection of clips. But he still uses it when we're in town (vacations are different), then tells me later he's "too drunk" or just "not interested." I know he has an orgasm at least every other day, either with me or without, and that's really frustrating since it leaves me out to dry. I can do my own, and do, but I love him so much I need the sex, at least in the same room - but he won't have me. His latest thing is to let me take my nightly shower, then masturbate, and tell me when I get out that he's "gotten started" for me - which has decreased the duration to the point that I get less than 8 minutes before he's done. This is extremely painful right now; I recently broke my jaw and have lost my attractive smile (my only good facial feature, to begin with). I'm thin, not large-busted, but in great shape for my age (and after a child). I'm planning to sell my motorcycle so I can have plastic surgery to be more appealing to him, which I know is self-destructive, but I don't know what else to try. How can I confront this? What if I'm really wrong - although I'm sure I'm not? I'm so afraid to our otherwise really good marriage, and if he thinks I'm attacking him, I could do real damage. It's not like I can talk to anyone I know about this... but what do I do?
View related questions:
drunk, libido, orgasm, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2006): I know how you feel. For many years my husband had what I now term "pity" sex with me, (though he still denies this). We hane been together 14 years , married for ten and for most of these years n=my husband has been addicted to porn. When I first found out I had gone to bed early and he claimed he wasn't tired, I got up an hour or so later as I was lying aawake wondering why he hadn't come to bed and caught him masturbating to porn on the tv. I wnr mad - was reallllly upset and he said he hadn't realised it was such a big deal to me and as it was such a big deal tome it wouldn't happen again. When I asked how I could believe that he acted allhurt abd said the one thing I could relky on was that he "did't lie and hated liars" . A year or so on having caught him lying and masturbating again - he again promised to stop. A couple of months down the line all sex with me had stopped - he said how could I expect sex if he couldn't masturbate? When I said it wasn't his masturbation I had a problem with but the porn he used to do it with he said he couldn't have one without the other, and without either he couldn't make love to me, he threatened to leave and to my eternal shame I ended up on my knees begging him to stay and agreeing to his porn. The next tenyaers followed a patern of very little sex for me, him staying up until I went to bed, no matter how late and me going to bed each night knowing he was "at it" but unable to prove it and crying myself to sleep. I know you are reading this and thinking 2why did she put up with it", but truth to ell I mostly denied it was happening and at the times I felt most hurt we would argue about it and he'd always play down the problem, saying he only staayed up late because he was stressed and needed time to himself and I so wanted to believe him, I did. Things finally came to head when really I couldn't hide my head in the dand anymore - (11 years inro the relatinship!) I blew up big style -told him how I felt he haated me how I felt used and abused and said and most importantly meant it that if things didn't change they were over. He cried too said he hadn't realised it had gone so far. We agreed that we would always go to bed together from then on. He addmitted that he had a need for porn but that he would no longer allow it to take over our lives. Thing s gradually improved, but I began to realise I was still competing against porn even though here ssaid his use had diminished drastically and he was now willing toactually talk to me about the problem anfd admit it had dokminated his life. Thimgs came. to crux point when I asked him to swear on his mothers life that at least he had never masturbated over a fat woman who lived over the road from us and who would openly undress in full view. Because I asked him to swear on his mothers life he admitted that not only had he masturbated over her in preference to making love to me he had used binocculars to get a closer look. I agreed tostay only if drom now on he was honest about his activities and did't use them instead of sex with me. He did keepto his side of the bargain but increasingly my eyes were opened to what I have denied all these yeaars, I feel cheated, hurt and very very angry, I gor to the point where I have told him ALL access to porn stops or I leave. I mean it now my self esteem is rock bottom - I have nowhere to go but up. I am so angry he has stopped and now tells me he is so sorry and cn't believe himself waht he has put me through. For myself if it is real I will be so happy and each day that things are ok helps me feel better. But he lied for so long - not just months but years and he expects it to be right in weeks. Some days I hate him, most days I hate me for being so stupid. I still love him though and this is my third marriage - maybe it's just me. It's our tenth wedding anniversay next week - I hope it's a new beginning. He tells me now it won't happen again he wants to spend his life making me happy? I wish I could believe him, after all he told me he never lies - except thats the biggest lie he ever told!
A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (4 October 2006):
 Firstly he fell in love with you the way you are and no woman shouldn't have plastic surgery because of a man for what ever reason it's something you should want to do for yourself not because you feel he will want you more after.
There is such a thing as a porn addiction and it's becoming more and more common with the amount of people now using the internet, if this is the problem this will only get worse.
He really needs to see someeone regarding this is as this problem is probably not going to go away on his own.
Good luck :o)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2006): Sorry, gotta say...ditch this loser. He obviously is extremely bad for your self esteem. and has no respect for women. (including you). If you feel you need to change your looks for a man then he is NOT the right man for you...
Let him have his sad little dreams. Guys will only stop this when women stop accepting it.
Martinis wrong...your man is doing the wrong thing with his porn antics...leave him to it and go find a real man who has no interest in trhat crap and appreciates a real woman and what she can offer.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2006): You're not wrong. You are rightful in your demands - not necessarily right though. 8] He is definitely wrongful, but not necessarily wrong in his porn antics.
Basically, if you don't want to risk damaging your already damaged relationship, you just have to get it through to him and talk it out. In Malyce's words, you might want to suggest relationship counselling...
[sigh]
I would feel very bad to have my wife try to improve on her looks just to try to make me be more attracted to her. Then again, it is a nice concept that she would be willing. However, no matter what the results may be, the initiation of it feels dishonorable.
Can anyone else offer their PoV?
...............................
|
