A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I can't make my girlfriend orgasm, we have been dating for 14 months ( started foreplay 10 months ago, sex 6 months ago) and I have tried absolutely anything and everything. This is my first sexual relationship, and hers too. I am 17 and I believe I'm decent lover. I pay attention to her, what she likes, wants, her fantasies, everything. I give her at LEAST 20 minutes of licking, rubbing and fingering of her G-spot before I even think about penetration. I relax her, send her naughty texts, I give her back rubs I do everything I can. I love this girl to death, and she loves me. I've never met a girl like her, she doesn't go to my school and all the girls at my school or close school's don't even compare with her on an emotional level to me.In sex I used to be able to last 20+ minutes in sex too, but now I feel stressed and feel pressurized to deliver a good performance and now I'll be lucky to last 10 minutes.She can only orgasm via masturbation WITH porn. She has only ever tried it without porn once, and quote "She had nothing to fantasize about". She has PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because her mother hung herself 3 years ago and she now lives with her dad. I have been there right from day one for her all to support her, but of course I can only do so much. I know how grateful she is for me to be there for her, as she finds it hard to make friends (she is very shy).I recently purchased a vibrator for us, to see if that would spice things up.. I bought it 5 days ago and she used it the once.. It did not do much at all. She can be very paranoid because PTSD and says silly things in sex such as " You kiss me too much" and "I hate the sweat in sex". All these things make it difficult for me.Because she can not orgasm with me, it has lowered her sex drive TREMENDOUSLY, and we barely ever have sex anymore.. maybe once a week. I feel that our sex life is really damaged and I want it to change because I know I just can't turn her on for what ever reason anymore.. It affects the romance in the relationship, the affection, everything I guess in a small way. I never put pressure on her to orgasm, ever. I believe that would just be a disaster. This problem affects so much in our relationship..I would give anything to make her cum just once :(Is it me? Is she unable to orgasm because of her stress and depression? is it that she can't simply fantasize about anything without porn, and that's what happens in sex? I am confused and sad.We love each other to death, but I feel that this lack of orgasm's problem could turn into a vicious cycle and end us which is the last thing i want. Everything but the sex life is great, she is an amazing girl. Anything that isn't great is just the aftermath of this orgasm problem, I know this. I hope someone out there can give some helpful advice, thank you for reading.
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fingering, foreplay, g-spot, orgasm, porn, sex drive, sex life, shy, text, vibrator Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): Hi. I have read your post about your problem. And I have the same problem – I can’t cum in bad with a boy. And I have some advice for you to think about. I am not good in English so I hope you will still understand
Try to think how she feel - She loves you, and you try your best to make her come, you a great lover. So she probably are in deep despair. She feel as she is inferior, defective. And most of all she afraid that because of this she will lose you and nobody will love her again because of this. And she cant ask her mom for advice. So if you will act this way she could hung herself eventually.
So, what really spoil the relationships is that you both afraid and you want the orgasm not because you really need it but because you think it will solve your problems.
I think you should slow down. And don’t put so many efforts if she don’t want it. The sex is very nice and pleasure even for girls who can’t come. Have sex to make love not to make orgasm. And always show her that you are extremely satisfied and that she is the best lover, and that she exite you as no one can, and that normal, she is amazing and the best for you even if she will not come in all her life.
I had relationships with a guy who annoyed me a lot and who didn’t care about my orgasm and was lazy and was not very interested in sex as a process – just thought it’s a natural need. And now im with a guy who is experienced and who are doing everything for my pleasure—we have sex for two hours and more, and I love him a lot. BUT!!! I still can’t come!!! So every time after sex I go to bathroom not to take a shower but to cry and wail and feel deep sorry about my inability to make him such a pleasure. So it can sound stupid but my life (including sexual life) was much nicer, happier and relaxed with a guy who do nothing for my pleasure because I was not under pressure of my thoughts.
So – my advices:
1) don’t try so hard unless she will ask you to put efforts. I often don’t get pleasure from all those rub and fingering and so on at all.
2) During several weeks try to just have sex and make love without lot’s of attention to her. Let her give pleasure TO YOU how she likes and able to do it. For example to compensate my inability I make amazing blowjobs, massages and so on. And every time after this - say her lot’s of complements on how amazing and unbelievable she is, and that she is the best in bed and that she do everything so good that you will never live her because she is incredible.
3) To show her that you didn’t become indifferent and you still love her a lot - do what she loves (not sex) -- I bet she loves massage, feet massage, kisses everywhere, and lot’s of thing like this. Again make lot’s of complements on how beautiful funny kind interesting she is. Spend lot’s of time in bad together by doing nothing, just talking and kissing and stroking each over or watching movies.
4) But if she will ask or let you know that she want you to caress her – then be ready to spend two hours in bad pleasing her. For example I can’t come even by masturbation in less than 50 minutes!!! So after 20 minutes of licking from my boyfriend I start to help him because I think he is tired, and after 40 more minutes I start to think that my boyfriend is bored and he would rather prefer to play computer games. This is his mistake – show her that you just like to watch, you can masturbate watching her doing this, and participate smhow, kiss nipples for ex. Always show that you like a lot to spend time like this and there is no thing that can be more exciting than this.
5) Vibrator which is for clitor only is a nice thing indeed, it helps to get orgasm quicker and nicer.
6) I know that I can come only than I have nasty fantasies in my head or watch porn. So ask her to read porn stories instead of watching porn. Such stories is more easy to recall in all details during sex.
7) be ready that it will not be like in romantic films in your relationships, than girl comes again and again.
8) This advices may be will not work in short run and will not help you to give her orgasm from which she will explode all over your cock. But they will help you to save your relationships and feel cosy and secured and happy in relationships for both of you. If the amazing sex (than you both come simultaneously in a wild ecstasy) is more important than she, than you can’t be together, she is different, that’s all!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): I feel for ya...it is a bad situation to be in. Keep in mind that this is not a shortcoming of yours... You actually are in good shape since she actually can come.
I would recommend watching porn with her and sitting behind her and stroking her while she is watching and maybe guiding you. Or you could try both masterbating together before sex. It may be that she likes the tone of porn and you could talk ot her as in a porn ( nasty talk is a huge turn on for many women who watch porn since it makes it about getting off and not about lovey dovey stuff).
All this is assuming you know about clit ( light licking) while stroking the G spot. Telling her how sexy she is and so on...
you could also try phone sex with her... I actually used a david shade phone sex book with great results that came in handy off the phone too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): Some women need extra help when it comes to having an orgasm. Some women NEED to watch sex (porn) to even get turned on, where as others can orgasm without even having sex/masturbation!
It all depends on the person. Whether this is to do with her mother/past or not, I don't know. But I think she may have a hard time concentrating. For someone to achieve an orgasm, they have to be 100% relaxed/comfortable and just let them self go. If she struggles to concentrate, then it takes a harder time to get into it.
This doesn't necessarily mean it's you, there can be A LOT of reasons why a woman can't orgasm. It can be down to stress/lack of concentration/things on their mind, etc.
I think you should try talking to her about this. Tell her it's upsetting you as you think it's you, (I'm sure she'll put your mind at rest and tell you it isn't). Ask her exactly what she likes and that you're willing to do anything. Comfort her and ask her what's on her mind. Let her open up to you. Is she 100% comfortable with you?
Maybe watch porn together? it's a good way to get started off/make you both excited. Remember, rubbing her clitoris is KEY when it comes to achieving an orgasm as it's where all the nerve endings are. Penetration orgasms are A LOT harder to achieve.
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