A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I'm hoping you can help! I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a few months now, and I've tried everything, and so far failed, to get her to reach orgasm.She's quite inexperienced, she's only had one sexual partner before me, with whom sex wasn't very enjoyable. Since we've been having sex, she's suddenly realised that she has a sex drive after all, and whilst she evidently finds it very enjoyable for the first time in her life, she can't quite hit the big O, although she says she has come close on a number of occasions (Quite how she knows this seeing as she's NEVER had an orgasm, I'm not quite sure!).I guess the trouble is that she doesn't really have a great idea of what she likes sexually, she's never really been a very sexual person before now, has never masturbated, and when I've probed her for things she'd like me to do in the bedroom, she always answers with "I don't know." She's very forthright in other matters, so I trust that she's telling me the truth.I've tried everything I can think of, I've tried the delicate, romantic approach, I've tried cunnilingus galore, despite her negative body image I always reassure her and tell her she looks gorgeous (which she does!), and I've tried the more aggressive dominant role, which she also likes.Please help me, I'm dying to be the first person to show her the delights of orgasm, and I'm fast running out of ideas!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 I had a bit more of a think about this question, and I wanted to add one more idea.
Try this, make sure you have some time to devote to this, the whole night or a weekend if possible, and this will require some self-denial on your part.
Spend some time in bed together, lying next to each other, stroking her, kissing her, telling her how beautiful and wonderful she is. Nothing really hot and heavy, just relaxed and intimate. Stroke her labia and her clit a while, then just stop, and go back to full body contact of stroking and massage and exploring her entire body with your hands. Don't let her try to bring you to orgasm, this is all about her just lying back and accepting your tender loving caresses. You're trying to get her to be fully relaxed, not really hot and excited. Change positions alot, rub her back, her neck, her legs, her thighs, stroke and play with her breasts.
Switch positions and give her some slow oral, nothing rushed or fervent, just let her know that you think she's lovely 'down there', then stop again, and go back to the full body stroking and massage. Stop if you need a drink of water or a snack, then get back into bed and continue on as if you have all the time in the world. Still do not allow her to try to have you climax.
Just keep doing this slow, relaxing pace of exploring her body, letting her know she's lovely and sooo erotic that you just want to worship her without anything else to worry about. This is meant to last for hours with no particular goal in mind, for either of you....
Then maybe just maybe she'll start to relax enough and will start to demand a certain motion or rhythm or oral from you. Don't rush it, just let it build.
Okay, now I need to go off and cool down a bit... whew!
Good luck!
A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 Well, this is not an easy one.
Some girls are not terribly orgasmic. If you keep pushing her, and she keeps pushing herself, it may turn into something of an obsession. The more obsessed you get, the more frustrated you will get.
I'd stop focussing on the orgasm as such, and take off the pressure. Learn to experience sex as a process, not as a destination.
Of course, keep trying lots of things, but don't make it too goal-oriented. The more you focus on the goal, and the less success you have getting there, the more frustrated you will get.
I had a girlfriend I couldn't give an orgasm to for seven years. (She could masturbate to orgasm, but in a position I couldn't duplicate.) I suspect her current husband may have been able to give her one, but on very slim evidence (one rather elliptical statement she made). I don't know what he did, but it must have been the right thing after such a long time with me.
At any rate, constantly pushing for an orgasm, even if it's unconscious, is not a good idea.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 May 2008):
Hi, gosh, what a lucky girl to have such a thoughtful and caring boyfriend! Good on you!
Right, on to the problem, which, believe me I understand, as I was just like your girlfriend at one time. Now, I've figured things out, for myself at least, and I hope my advice will help.
The basic problem for her is that she doesn't know what to do! It's a Catch-22 situation, she doesn't know what she likes because she doesn't know what an orgasm feels like or what the physiological changes that a female body experiences while building to one. And now that both of you are so focussed on reaching the goal of the big O, she's thinking oh I know I should be able to have one, and the sheer fact she's worried about it will prevent her from relaxing and letting go enough to let things happen. A kind of mental block, if you will.
So my suggestion, and please don't take this to mean you are not a great lover, is to buy a vibrator. Not a giant dildo-style one, mind you, just one of the smaller massage type ones.
And then, have a talk with her about using it during one of your love-making sessions. Or maybe she should try it by herself if she's uncomfortable with using it with you.
The idea is that the vibrator, gently placed over her clitoris, will provide the stimulation enough for her to experience an orgasm. Or at least, that's what worked for me. I'd never had one, didn't know what to do, no boyfriend could figure it out for me because I needed to work it out for myself.
I know this sounds crazy to most men, when things are so simple, or seem to be simple anyway, in that area.
The vibrator is not meant to be a replacement for your skills but is a teaching tool for her to learn what the frustratingly elusive big O feels like. Once she's had one or two with it, she'll have an idea of what her body goes through to reach that climax.
I had no idea what to do myself, and I'd had very caring boyfriends who did want me to have pleasure, but because I didn't know what to do, I couldn't help them! Very frustrating, to say the least. So I finally screwed up my courage and bought a vibrator, actually it was a massage thingy with different small heads that could be used on large muscle masses or the back of the neck. I plugged it in, applied gently to my clitoral area, not on the exposed clit, that was too harsh, and wham! Within a few minutes I had my very first one! Eye-opening to say the least. I'd had no idea.
So once I knew what one felt like, then I could figure it out with my own hands, without the vibrator. And then, things were easy to explain to the boyfriend. And lots of fun for both of us!
So don't think of the vibrator as a replacement for your skills, just as a tool for her to learn to understand her own body and its responses. She may want to use it by herself at first, or you could try it together, which might be far more fun! I was too embarassed to suggest it at first, but then we did use it together for a while. It's all down to personal couple preference.
So that's my advice, as it sounds like you've tried everything else humanly possible, and her brain is probably working overtime and stopping the body's natural progression toward climax. Remove the mystery of what an orgasm feels like for her, and then go off and play and have fun and figure out what give the both of you the most pleasure!
Good luck, and can I just say one more time, lucky girl!
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A
female
reader, Sexyteen +, writes (23 May 2008):
 I think she might be the problem not you. They say a lot sex has to do with what ur thinking. Maybe she cant fully get her mind into it or she is to worried about something else that she is not focusing on her. Does she have a stressful job? that might be the problem. cause she isnt relaxing
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