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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My ex broke up with me a week ago. During the relationship he was controlling, extremely jealous and insecure... but I still don't know if he's normally like that or if it's actually because I made him that way. He's a bit mean with his family wheh he gets upset, but never to the extent of how he was with me! And with his friends, he's the happiest guy ever, he never gets into fights with them or anything, he just treats them very well, all the time. However, he had a violent character... like he said he'd beat the crap out of anyone who bothered me and stuff like that.It started when I lied. It started when he found out about my past. I posted recently, and read an article that DiovanLestat recomended me about dating losers - my ex was exactly like most of what the article described!But I still have problems figuring out if he's normally like that or if that's how he reacted to my lies and past. Maybe he won't be like that with future girlfriends?But the point is, I'm really trying to figure out if he has some sort of issues or if it was purely my fault... I phoned him recently because his brother, his cousin and his mother all greet me very politely - like they always have - if I run into them, so, as I suspected, he hasn't told them yet about our break up. It's not very nice, because they ask me how I'm doing and I have to lie and tell them I'm fine, and I always fear they'll ask me about him, etc.He said he doesn't want to burden them with the subject, that he doesn't want them to know all of the bad stuff I did, and crappy excuses like that... Why do you think he's hiding it from them? He said he'll just let them figure it out eventually, but if he was so eager to get rid of me then why doesn't he tell his family? He's told his friends, but I don't see why he wouldn't tell his family! I mean he did say today that he doesn't love me anymore, that he doesn't care that I love him (and told me to shut up because I was crying and that annoys him), and to stop bothering him... It sounds like he's over it already, so his behaviour with his family doesn't make sense!Is it because he could keep some details from his friends - like, for instance, all the times he verbally abused me - but not from his family and he knows they'll tell him he was wrong? Maybe because he's been mean to his family members in more than one chance, so they already know his true character? I just don't get why if he wants me out of his life so badly he wouldn't tell his family!!Has he really got issues, or am I just trying to believe he has, because I don't want to feel I was the only one to blame for the fallout of the relationship?
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broke up, cousin, insecure, jealous, my ex, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, a_decent_1  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 I am NOT Justifying his Abusive behaviour.. !! But i am letting her know that the Guy is NOT the only one to be blamed... !! I agree noone is allowed to be abusive at any cost, but the Guy here isn't all Freak... He has had a reason to Freak out.. !!
All im letting this girl know is that she MUST Disclose her past b4 it is known by itself..
A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 Sorry a decent 1 whatever a woman has done in the past does not give a man the right to bully and intimidate her, if he has a problem with her past he should move on and get out of the relationship, his hang ups are his problem and he should learn to deal with them and to discuss the situation in a better way than being verbally abusive and agressive, the is NO EXCUSE for continual abusive behaviour!
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (23 May 2008):
Why are you wasting your time and energy trying to analyze why this guy is doing the things he is.
Of course you think it's your fault he's like that he probably tells you time and time again it is, any excuse will do, your mouth, your past ect. ect. He hasn't told his family for fear of you telling them exactly what he's like, men like him want to appear to be prince charming, the lovely likeable guy whose a good mate, son, brother, but he's another person to you, not charming at all, but an agressive bully!
You are well rid and better off without him, find someone who will treat you with respect and loves you for who you are, past faults and all.........
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, a_decent_1 +, writes (23 May 2008):
I am completely against "Emilysanswers" here.. !!
I think it is to a BIG EXTENT "your fault" .. !! Each and Every guy on this planet has ISSUES if his Girlfriend has a Past.. More the EGO, bigger the problem.. !!
It's always BEST to let him know what was in your past.. Guys find it VERY HARD to trust again... They become "Over-possesive" if they find out something about your past you did not disclose.. !! Guys think a lot over and over again which frustrates them further and this turns them into being Angry and frustrated all the time.. !!
I hope you are understanding and i know this DEFINITELY relates to the Behavious of ur BF.. ;)
As you said, it started with "your lie" ... ;)
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (23 May 2008):
Have you actually read this through? He's a violent bully, treated you like crap, then hasn't told his family because he doesn't want to burden them with finding out how horrible YOU are?
And you're asking if this is your fault???!!!
NO!!!!! A monkey could tell you that!
Why are you lying for him? Why are you making excuses for him? Women who have violent boyfriends, are statistically more likely to keep meeting violent men. And it is for this exact reason. Because you let him make it your fault. Yes he'll be like this with future girls... the smart ones will walk out within the first week. But he'll find another like you that he can slap around for a good long while.
And the reason he's nice to his friends is because they aren't women, so a) he respects them and b) he knows they won't take his crap and c) he's too much of a coward to stand up to a man, he can can only bully girls.
Next time you see his family and they ask how it's going. Tell them you aren't together but he wanted you to lie. If they ask why, tell them you told a lie about your past but he was so controlling and abusive that you are just glad you be out of it.
You may be causing trouble for him now but if it stops him growing up to be a wife beater then good.
Good Luck!! xx
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