A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i've been in a friends with benefits relationship with this guy i've know for almost 6 months and im just really confused if he may be developing feelings for me or if im a complete fool and he is using me. we text alot and i go over at least three times a week, and not everytime im over we have sex. sometimes we just hang out and watch tv, i never get the impression that he wants me over just for sex. he has even invited me out to his friends parties and has introduced me to some of his cousins. but in the beginning of our fwb relationship i found out that he had slept with an ex girlfriend (i found her lingerie in his room!) but he appologized and seemed really sorry about it and as far as i know it hasnt happened again, but it makes me worry. i have started to develope feelings for him but im worried that the feeling isnt mutual. help?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): In my experience, women cannot maintain a FWB relationship for very long without wanting more. Men are wired differently.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): u will read the same answers to similar questions in the dear cupid archives. if u want to be used then be fwb. if u get attached like a lot of females do,then its time to move on. U dont have to end a relationship because it isnt one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): This is why I don't get the whole FWB thing. If you like someone enough to call them a friend and enough to sleep with them then chances are you are going to fall for them. I would back off from him. Say basically its 'friends without benefits' because you can't handle it. No bad thing. It shows you are not shallow and have feelings.
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A
female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (21 September 2011):
 The feeling is not mutual. The things you've described are nothing out of the ordinary between platonic friends, excluding sex obviously. Hanging out, introducing you to a few relatives, etc. are things friends normally do. If he really had feelings for you or any interest beyond FWB he would've pursued a proper relationship first.
Besides, agreeing to become friends with benefits kills any chance there might've been for more than a sexual relationship. The vast majority of men will lose respect for a woman that agrees to this kind of arrangement because it makes them wonder, 'How many other guys has she done this with?'. That obviously won't stop the majority of them from sleeping with her, but in their eyes she seems less trustworthy because, to put it bluntly, it was too easy to get there in the first place.
As for the incident with finding his ex-girlfriend's lingerie, you honestly shouldn't be surprised. You're not in an exclusive relationship with him, so it should be expected that he'll likely be messing around with other girls at the same time. He's free to date and sleep with whoever he likes because he's technically single, after all. I'm not saying it's right, but I doubt the moral aspect of things is enough to stop him from doing as he pleases.
The next time you like someone enough to consider them a potential boyfriend, don't let them go too far too soon. Go on a date or two first, at the very least, and let things develop naturally.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 September 2011):
 While it's nice that your FWB treats you as a human being and not only as a convenient receptacle for his sperm, how unluckily so often it's the case.... you still have to keep it real, it does not mean much. After all, that would be exactly the concept. " FRIENDS with benefits" , not enemies with benefits, or strangers with benefits. So, having sex and also ,occasionally, chilling, and hanging out ,grabbing a bite together... but all with no obligations, no committment, no sexual exclusivity.He is not willing to be sexually monogamous-because he is not, and you find girls' lingerie at his place. He apologized because he knows this very tangible reminder of his sexual activity can make you uncomfortable and conjure up in your mind very graphic visions, - but what he SAYS means nothing if he keeps DOING as usual. Actions over words, always.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 September 2011):
 Yeah, this is why FWB's are an absolutely horrible idea.The definition of FWB means that you two use each other for sexual gratification. No relationships, no strings. FWB is not the first step in a relationship. It's not understood that FWB will ever be a relationship. Either one of you are free to sleep with 900 people during your FWB situation.He shouldn't have had to apologize to you for sleeping with an ex. He doesn't owe a thing to you. He can sleep with her 30 times per day, and you don't have the right to be the slightest bit jealous, because it's FWB, not boyfriend/girlfriend.Now, you have fallen into the trap most girls who get into FWB's get into, and that's developing feelings for the FWB. Sorry, but if he's not into more than that, you either live with it, or end the arrangement.Again, to remain as a FWB, you have to allow him to go have wild sex with anybody and everybody. He's not cheating on you, because FWB by nature is neither exclusive nor obligatory. You have no relationship. Of course he's using you! You're using him too. Only now, you're wanting more and he doesn't.So, either live with it, or break it off. But FWB's don't typically cross over into a full-blown relationship. If this one does, consider yourself lucky. But until the time both of you admit feelings for each other and start an "official" relationship, he's free to do anything he wants.
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A
female
reader, Dr.StrangeLove +, writes (21 September 2011):
You two may get along, he may even enjoy your company, but he is clearly not looking for anything serious. FWB can still feel guilt and embarrassment if you find another's undergarments in their house. Its tacky, awkward and a bit revealing. If he wanted to move forward, he would have said something to you, expressed an interest to move forward.
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