A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a man for a little over 6 months. When we first met, he would call me on weekend trips with his friends or when he was at the bar and tell me how much he liked me, etc, but he'd be so hammered and drunk we couldn't have a coherent conversation. I sort of swept that under the rug because I knew it was summer, they were all ex-fraternity brothers going out and having a good time, and he mentioned that the heavy drinking on weekends was only something he did in the summer. (his birthday, friend's birthdays, weddings, annual boating trip, etc). He assured me his drinking wasn't a problem.2 months later, we go to events where theres drinking involved with his friends. We had our first explosive fight because he was so drunk I couldn't get in contact with him when I was supposed to pick him up and he had me driving all over the area and I was worried sick. He said a few catty things to me about how "i need to check up on him, etc". I told him how upset I was and he promised me he would never get drunk like that again. There were even a few incidences where he was DD and I was allowed to be the one who could drink more (although he didn't volunteer this, I had to ask him) Fast forward 6 months. Every single time he is out with his friends and drinking is involved, he gets completely hammered. Again, we can't have coherent conversations, etc. Sometimes when we drink together we end up fighting over something petty he said or I said. A couple weeks ago he missed our date for our 6 month anniversary (we had plans) because he got too drunk to drive and I was to introduce him to some family members (this was a very big deal for both of us, because of coming from different family backgrounds, I have to ease him into my family slowly, he knows this). He couldn't even tell me himself, his friend called me and apologized for getting my boyfriend so drunk. I was obviously very upset, and needed a few days break from him. He told me how sorry he was and he promised me he would never get so hammered again. He even had a plan-no more liquor, count the number of drinks he has, and cut himself off. Well literally FOUR DAYS later, he goes on a skiing trip with his friends. And of course, he calls me at night and it turns out he is completely wasted, again. He told me he tried to control it by counting the number of drinks, but he lost control at one point and just kept going. I told him I needed space from him because I was upset and not to call me until he was back from his trip.I called him two days later because I was too upset to wait, and he admitted he got hammered day two of the trip as well (after he knew I was upset from his drinking on day 1). He told me wants to cut down his drinking, but has trouble controlling it sometimes. He has a family history of alcoholism. I lost my uncle and my grandpa to alcoholism. I don't want to follow the family trend, but I am so torn between leaving him and staying. he seems sorry and says he won't do it again, but at this point I've lost all respect for him. I don't think he'll follow through with his words, even though he has good intentions. At one point I really thought he was the one and now I'm not sure if I can see a future with him. He doesn't have self control, breaks promises, and turns into a zombie when he drinks. I feel like he's pathetic and just gives into peer pressure. I am very ambitious and constantly challenging myself-via work and education and even making goals for myself. He on the other hand, is only thinking about today, getting drunk with his buddies, the next trip he wants to take. He planned on going back to school to get his masters but ultimately decided not to because he didn't want to give up a social life. All these recent incidents with drinking made me realize that I don't want to be with a man who can't follow through. I know a relationship will never work if there's no mutual respect. is that something that can ever be regained? Am I being unreasonable? But there are many pros. He's put up with my temper, my lateness, my type A personality. He's patient (most of the time), takes care of me, is tolerant, and is always there for me (when he's sober...when he's drunk, all bets are off). He listens when I talk and goes out of his way for me (except when he's drinking). He wants to do whatever makes me happy (except when he's drinking). I know his drinking will eventually wear down...when his friends slow down and they get settled down. But I can't help but feel that makes me lose respect for him. I want a man who won't do just want his friends want but what HE wants. I think this whole thing is making me fall out of love with him. I love who he is sober. But I can't deal with the incoherent child he becomes on a frequent basis with his friends, who lacks the willpower to stop. I don't know if I want to stick around and help him get through it. I've seen it destroy my grandma, my mom, my aunt, and my cousins. I promised myself I'd never be in this situation, but yet, here I am. Only 6 months in. Should I end it? I know ultimately its up to me to weigh the pros and cons, but any insight or advice or tips, or even similar relatable experiences would be great. Thank you.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 January 2016):
 I think, no matter what he can't keep a promise of never drinking again or getting absolutely hammered.
And I think, if I were you, I'd call it quits sooner rather than later. You know what this disease can do to people. Not just those who HAVE it, but those around them. Addictions tears peoples lives apart, friends, family, partners and sometimes even strangers.
No matter HOW much you love this guy, this is something YOU CAN NOT fix for him. Love doesn't cure addiction.
His life revolves around partying right now. Which means at some point he will drink again and again...
You are trying to date half a guy. When he is sober he is swell, but drunk? not so much - the thing is both of these halves is him.
I'd walk away now, before you get more invested in this.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 January 2016):
 you need to go to Al-anon.
if you don't know if you want to leave him (and to be honest while i get that i think you should consider ending it)
Al-anon will give you the coping skills you need to live and love with an alcoholic. Active or in recovery.
My husband celebrates 1 year in recovery today. Al-anon saved me. IT's also saved our marriage because while he does not drink he is very much a dry drunk. MOST alcoholics who get sober are dry drunks for a while. IT's ugly and it's hard to cope. Al-anon gives us the skills to get to where we can stay with them and not let them harm us physically, mentally or emotionally.
It also gives us the strength to figure out if we need to leave them or not.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (5 January 2016):
 I was married to an alcoholic. I wouldn't wish that life on my worst enemy. You cannot help them unless they want help. They have to help themselves and many alcoholics truly have to hit rock bottom and lose everything before they realize how messed up they are.
If you want a life of hell, continue to date him and watch him continue to deteriorate. If you don't wish that kind of future for yourself, then get out. Take it from someone who lived with an alcoholic for years. Its not a happy existance. All the love in the world can't save them if they don't want to be saved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2016): Its been only 6months and most of your pros for this bloke are about how he tolerates you. It sounds like a relationship for the sake of one. He is young and I think a lot of younger blokes get pissed with their mates then grow out of it but depending on which end of the scale your age is on here, its a getting a bit much now. My dad spent his whole life in the pub met his mistress in the pub and I was totally used to seeing him wasted crawling around and my mum arguing with him upset, or him just not coming home at all. Most of the men I knew were like this I thought the woman gave birth stayed at home with the kid and the dad went down the pub with his mates to bitch about the wives at home and flirt with other women. My mum told me 'never marry a man who goes in the pub all the time (drinker) or you will be very lonely. I have gone out of my way to avoid dating these kind of men even though it is so familiar to me. Date someone active with get up and go who's sole hobby isn't ' getting wasted'. If you always do what you've always done you get the same old shit. Do you want better for yourself? Its been 6 months not 6 years time to ditch!
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