A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a best friend have known her(she is female) (i am Male) for 15 years,totaly platonic ,she has alot of guy friends. I am in the middle of this argument with her.She is like a little sister to me,but i have to step in,she was dating a guy on and off 6 years, he has hit her a few times she says one time,bt myself and another guy have seen bruises,she always denies it was from him.Well she finally did dump him,well we had him beat up a little ,he left for awhile,so then she started dating a guy,for the last 2 years or so ,nice guy,i became somewhat friends with him.They i thought were perfect together they both seemed very happy,were together a good bit,always talked,joked around.Then about 3 months ago they just wham stopped,no explanations, no nothing, she says now they are just friends,he doesnt answer at all,he just says nothing.They still talk on phone ,they see each other here and there,but seems very distant when they together.Now here is where i am just angry,now here comes the ex back into the picture,he is back ,been here with her about a month,and yesterdayi called her and i heard screaming in background,last night i went around to check on her,i seen bruises on her arm and her neck. She claims she fell.But i can see hand print like grabbing her arm,so i know she sticking up for him,i told the guy who is still friends with us,and he never responeded,so i thought i could bring his name up and mabe get her to realise how good they were together,and she blanks it to she never even said they were together they were just friends.I just dont know how about getting the ex out of her life alltogether without the thought of making him disappear,he is hurting her,not the first time either.She is a great person,can get any guy she wants,i see them all chase her,she is bright,funny,sexy,outgoing,athletic,never whines,bitches or anything just a perfect person.My thoughts are she has had a very traumatic life,her father was very abusive to her physically,she had 4 older brthers,very abusive to her,especially after her father passed when she was 18,then she married a guy who on surface seemed great but turned out to be a drunk and hit her a few times,after she ended up in icu she finally got a divorce but put up with it for years,does she feel that all men are like this,so she see nothing wrong with it,or is there something i am missing?I am at the end of my rope in trying to figure it out,and why would she want to be with someone like that?or how can i get her to see the light on the situation?
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (12 September 2007):
 You can not help someone that does not want to be helped. Stay out of it. Give her a hotline or support group information, and then it is up to her.
You asked: I am at the end of my rope in trying to figure it out,
It is not your place to figure it out. She is an adult, and although I agree she made the wrong choice, it is her choice to make, and you are not her savior. All the time you are putting into this "friend" is time away from you getting your own life together. Are you sure you are not in love with her yourself?
You asked: and why would she want to be with someone like that?
SHe is with him becuase he fulfills her emotional needs in ways that you and that other nice guy do not. That is why she is with him and not either you or her new nice guy friend. Nice guys do not address women's emotional needs (that is why you are the "friend" aka "emotional cookie man" aka "brother". He is a jerk, and his behaviors are mis-interpreted as addressing her emotional needs.
You asked: or how can i get her to see the light on the situation?
You can not. It is not logical. It is emotional. They ONLY way to break the cycle is for you or some other man to address her emotional needs withOUT violence. It's that, or at the very least SHE needs to reach a point where she wants the violence to stop.
-Frank B Kermit
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007): Thanks for the advice,i am the friend who posted this.I am driving myself crazy with it all,i tried contacting the other guy,who went silent,i text him told him to please help me,say somehting ,he just doesnt respond. I know they were very very close she listened to everything he said, he even got her convinced to wear her seatbelt after 20 years of others trying.That part i find disturbing cuz i knw he cares for her,he doesnt seem the type to just walk away.I got the police involved once,and made her press charges against him,he got sent back to his country.But as we see,he is back.Three months or so later.The hardest thing to swallow is she doesnt need him for anything,she doesnt want sort to speak,she very independent,she is the bread winner ,he sucks it off her.She is mabe somewhat of a geek under it all,too smart for her own good at times,doesnt drink,doesnt smoke,she wont even take tylenol one of those types.I texted the other guy told him to come post here,in hopes maybe i can get her to read through this,that it maybe will help her see how wrong it is.I see that eventually it gonna be so bad,and no one will know,you say wow your bruised,she respondes oh yeah it heals.It like talking to a human stone wall.She broke her arm not long ago her response was oh yeah,it will heal,she shrugs off pain like it a headache.So i am worried she wont even realise how hurt she is till it to late.I doubt other guy will post or even come here ,he has just gone totally incognito,silent.Makes me think the ex threatened him or his family who knows at this point.But i do know i got to get her to see this how damaging it is,before she loses everything she has soley worked for all her life including her life in the end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007): Hi Hun,What you have said about her being beaten by her father and abused by her brothers, Makes it seem as if this is perfectly acceptable to her almost as if she feels she deserves this treatment as it has happened all her life, but as you no its not at all acceptable...About the boyfriend who was good to her do you think maybe that her last abusive b/f got to her and made her finish the relationship as she was scared that he would hurt him, or even he may have threatened him to leave her alone this would make sense with the way he has been very quiet and just left after it was obviously a good relationship...I was badly abused by my ex husband and I felt I had to protect others if they tryed to help for fear of them getting hurt, Its such a difficult possition to be in as you live in fear but not only for your own self but mainly for those who no and who want to help, as the fear of your loved ones getting hurt is far stronger than you getting hurt, Plus if you do say anything then you only get hurt more, The control that a man like this has is so intense you are so scared to say or do the wrong thing that you will make up stories like falling down stairs or other simular situations out of fear, And you feel so very lost...You may never be able to get her to abmit what is happening through that fear, she will no you are worried and concerned for her safety, and she is probably worried and concerned for yours and all those she loves, she will carry on making stories up to keep the peace.Hunny you need to keep a watchfull eye on whats going on on a day to day basis if possible go to see her but dont ask to many questions as this will make her defensive, also any other friends that she has group up and get as many people as you can to keep an eye on the situation,This man needs to be stopped before he does some serious damage...The reason she is with this person is probably not her choice, as I said before its been happening all her life so this stems much deeper for her, And she probably doesnt understand it herself and may blame herself in some way..I do hope your friend will be ok and your friendship is a godsend for her, And I pray for you both that this terrible situation will be sorted out and she is safe and free from this abuse I HOPE THIS HELPED A LITTLE PLEASE TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (12 September 2007):
 Your absolutely right in your views. Some people who are abused over and over and over again, it becomes second nature. Their will power is gone. Their self esteem is gone, and their sense of self disappears.If your country has laws regarding this. You may have to utilize the authorities. I don't know what her reaction would be to that, but for me I'd rather have a friend who's alive and is mad at me than one who's dead and loves me. This controlling behavior can increase to becoming life or death. They feed off control, and just like any other addiction when you're not getting the satisfaction, you increase the level.You can tell her until your voice box falls out, she's not going to listen. You know it's wrong, people who read your story knows it's wrong, she may deep down know it is, but being under abuse for that long, somehow she's justifying for it. As I said, involve the police there, do it out of your friendship for her. Research abuse, and how to deal with interacting with her when he's still there. Whenever talking with her keep validating her importance as a person. Keep reinforcing what you like about her and her qualities. Keep letting her know how relationships DO NOT give either person rights over the other. I would also let her know you are hurting real bad inside watching a friend be hurt as she is. Just because her self esteem is being stripped away, her compassion for the pain of others is still there.
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A
female
reader, flowerbud  +, writes (12 September 2007):
hi what a mess,i know its probably the hardest thing in the world to see a good friend being hurt by someone else,the problem is theres not alot u can do about it apart from just being there for her,its her choice at the end of the day,no one else can pick our partners for us or tell us what to do about it,u need to let her realise how damaging this relationship is for her self,im sorry i cant say much more than that,just be there,hope ur friend works it out for herself soon
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