A
female
age
51-59,
*ummerlove13
writes: I am quite tom boyish and have become very attracted to my close girl mate. She is very much into men but I can't help my feelings for her. This is very new to me as my relationships have always been with men and recently I have come out to some of my family, who took the news well. Do I test the waters with my friend / co worker, b up front and honest about my feelings for her because she is my friend or not say a word. Please give me your advise.
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female
reader, summerlove13 +, writes (16 March 2013):
summerlove13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter the wonderful advice, I decided to put some space between my girl mate and I so I could get my feelings sorted,trouble is I feel like she has changed her attitude towards me and it feels weired now, im not sure what to do? How do I fix this? or is it unfixable and to late? I feel so sad.....
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 I guess the easiest way to meet women would be to go to gay/lesbian clubs and bars, perhaps take a friend for moral support (but make sure you have come out to that friend first otherwise they will be in for a shock!).
I'm sure there will also be gay/lesbian online dating sites if you dont feel confident enough approaching women in a bar/club environment, that way you can start chatting online first before you meet up with someone.
I dont think there are any 'rules' in particular, although I'm straight so perhaps there may be some rules for lesbians that I'm not aware of! Have you tried looking for gay/lesbian online support forums? I'm sure they exist, and that way there will be lots of people who know far more than we will ever know!
I can only imagine its similar to when you date men - except you dont wait for the guy to approach you, you will have to approach a woman if you like her.
As long as you are going to places that you know are gay/lesbian clubs/bars, and only using gay/lesbian dating sites, then you can be 99% certain that the woman you are speaking to is also lesbian so theoretically she will be interested in you.
But as I said before, try looking up some support forums designe for the gay & lesbian community, they will be able to give you far better advice on dating rules than we can!
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A
female
reader, summerlove13 +, writes (28 February 2013):
summerlove13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your great advice, I guess I already knew it but needed to hear it from somene else... see I normally talk to my close friend about stuff that I am needing clarity on and as a great friend she always puts my mind at ease or steers me in the right direction. You are all right, she doesn't need to be burden with my feelings because it is only one way and I need to treat with the respect and honor that she has always given me as a close friend. I will definetly not get into or develop feelings for friends or co-workers as this would be a very sticky place to be if things went wong. I do hope I find that someone special who will recipricate her feelings for me too. Any advice on how to go bout meeting other women, like I said I'm tom boyish or some might say soft butch, Im attracted to girlie girls. Also what are the rules when you meet someone for the first time? She would be my first female date /girlfriend, how will I know if she is interested? Where should I take her? I'm probably over thinking now lol... please help!!!
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A
female
reader, when nothing goes right go left +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Do you really think that anything can come out of it because she is straight and sometimes when only one person has these feelings then it can effect their friendship. So if you don't think that there is a chance of her feeling the same and you don't want to risk losing her friendship and you are happy with just being her friend. Then you should just continue your friendship with her and don't worry about being attracted to her, even straight girls can have sexual thoughts and feelings for friends and other females, and even if you are bi sexual or gay then its nothing to sweat about.Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 I would not say anything to her about it... if she knows you came out and she's not bisexual, then it may make her feel uncomfortable.
I'm bisexual and my very straight girlfriends need to forget about that or they treat me a bit differently....
better to let this go unless she comes to you about it.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (27 February 2013):
You already know she is into men, so it doesnt sound like you have a chance with her I'm afraid. If you tell her how you feel I would be 99% certain it would ruin your friendship because it would make it very awkward and she wouldnt feel comfortable being around you anymore.
So unless you want to lose her friendship, then keep quiet and try and find a female who is also a lesbian to focus your affections on.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Listen to Honeypie here on this one.
You endanger your friendship by overwhelming her with all of this, especially if she is into men.
However, take the first baby step and come out to her. That's all, I repeat *all* you should tell her at this point. She has to adjust to the information that you're a lesbian.
She's a coworker as well, so things must be very delicate. To suddenly reveal that not only are you a lesbian but you have feelings for her will not be the same as coming out to your family. It will get awkward for her, not because you're a lesbian.
Let her get used to the idea of who you are. Emotionally, you've processed all the changes but you must have patience because she hasn't. Do not reveal your feelings for her.
Eventually, as she gets acclimated to you being out, she may have questions. This will be a long process...at least several months.
If she asks when you come out as a lesbian to her if you have feelings for her, a good answer for you is "I don't want to lose your friendship. I can't win whether I answer yes or no, and your friendship means more to me than anything especially now". That's a truthful answer. If you answer no to her, she'll wonder why not, and it'll feel awkward and untruthful to you. If you answer yes, you have feelings, then it's going to get really awkward and you'll lose your friend.
Be patient. You're coming out now, and that's great! But you are ahead of those you know in adjusting to your new identity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): Imagine if you were strictly into women from the very beginning, never dated men, and your guy friend comes up to you and tells you that he wants you sexually. I m sure you would not feel that terrific about the whole situation. First of all, he is your friend, and second even the thought of doing anything sexual witty him would seem gross to you. That what she would feel, promise.
I m very much into men, never ever was attracted to women. I can't even imagine doing it with a woman. For me it's quite disgusting, tell you the truth. If my friend came up to me with this I m not sure if I could continue staying friends with her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2013):
Just because YOU have decided that you want to pursue being a lesbian doesn't mean that every female around you wants to have sex with females too.
You two were friends fist, so I would NOT ruin that by pushing your new sexual agenda on her. I think if you already know she is straight that you will without a doubt lose a friend.
You do not play sexual roulette with friends and co-workers. It might seem safer, but you will end up without friends and good co-workers.
Telling them that you are coming out is fine, but not chasing after them in a sexual manner. That is not what friends are for.
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