A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my partner and I have been together 2 and a half years. there is a big age difference but everyone has accepted our relationship... everyone except his daughter who is out to destroy us and has been since day one. I appreciate the fact she is a year and a half younger etc etc - I don't expect her to like it but she goes out of her way to be nasty. she causes so many rows between me and my partner because he won't stand up for me - on one occasion she squirted my cosmetics down the sink (I had gone out for the day so she could spend time with her dad and on my return found that expensive foundation bottles etc were empty) I asked my partner what he was willing to do about it, his reply "I'll buy you some more but when she comes round next make sure you move all your stuff out of the bathroom - she can basically do what she wants and gets away with it, it's not really the behaviour l expect from an 18 year old. 6 weeks ago my partners mother sadly passed away. his daughter called saying she wanted to go to the hospital with me (just before she died, my partner was already there). I thought this may be a turning point for his daughter and I. my mum offered to take us both to the hospital, sadly his mum passed away just before we got there. About an hour later his daughter gave me a hug and cried in my arms saying how sorry she was for all she had put me through. my response was "you're forgiven, life is too short let's move on from this, your nan would be truely proud'. the week before the funeral my partner had to clear his mums flat out. his daughters behaviour was absolutely disgusting - going through her nans things to see what she could sell, I couldn't believe it. I kept quiet as it wasnt my place to say anything and I have learned that biting my Tongue is the best way. my partner was devastated that she acted this way but he obviously had more on his plate than to worry about her. two days before the funeral she asked if I would be siting with them at the service! the night of the funeral she said she didn't want me round her dads everytime she comes round (I live with him!) I told her it wasnt the time or place and to leave it for her dads sake- his mum was the most important person to him and it was the worst day of his life. his daughter didn't leave it and cried on my partner about me, I walked off and left them to it. a week later we met up for family drinks, she called my partner the day before and asked if it could be just family (in other words she didn't want me going) my partner explained I would be there and that's all there was to it. she snubbed me on the night and we didn't speak despite my efforts. I received a text that night "you're lucky there were other people there tonight or I would have punched u". my partner told me to ignore it so I did like I always do.her latest act was last week, she called my partner saying she wanted to come round every other Sunday without me being around (its my home!!!). I work Saturday's for ten hours but apparently age doesn't like coming round Saturday's. I told my partner that I won't be going out when his daughter comes round. I suggested either he sees her on a Saturday or arranges to go out one night in the week. however, if she want to come on a Sunday that would be fine but I don't see why I should go out of my home. he's adamant to meet her every other sunday 10.30 in the morning til 7 at night. Ive told him that he's made the arrangement so he'll have to go out because I don't see why I should. he says I'm selfish. I've put up with this for nearly 3 years, have I really been that unreasonable?
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female
reader, chloeapple +, writes (20 May 2011):
Hi there,
No, of course you're not being unreasonable. It's unreasonable your partner thinks this is acceptable behavior. He is making this situation very difficult for you and his daughter. By allowing her to 'make the rules' as it were, he is reinforcing her lack of respect for you.
No adult can be expected to live under the conditions you have mentioned - perhaps it may be useful to sit down and calmly discuss with your partner whether he thinks he his daughters behavior is acceptable and whether he is doing the right things as a parent to allow her to think it is acceptable to damage some one else's belongings. In these situations it is the parent who has to lay down the law. If he is not going to change, his daughter certainly won't.
Is your partner capable of changing his attitude towards the dealings with his daughter? You have to ask him to find out. This problem is solvable, but it may take time and a lot of patience from you.
i hope this is useful.
for more information you're more than welcome to email [email address blocked]
www.stepchildren.co.uk - the practical guide for step parents
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
I know I should walk away from him. he's everything to me, I just wish I was strong :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): He needs to man up and stop letting his daughter rule him. It's about boundaries he hasn't put in place from years ago. She hasn't had to grow up. I doubt your relationship will survive this unless he does something drastic and fast.
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A
female
reader, Babydoll86 +, writes (19 May 2011):
Honestly you are still young enough to make a fresh start and i strongly suggest you find a new partner with better parenting skills as this spineless man has bought one horrible brat into the world. You have made every effort and done everything right by your partner. His return is 'go out 10.30-7 every other sunday' no way! Im glad you told him straight. If he is unwilling to show his brat whos boss then i would urge you to find a new boyfriend who will show you more respect.This man doesnt deserve you, he isnt taking your feelings into consideration at all. He will carry on giving into her every demand as that is how they've raised her- with no respect for others. Neither of them are going to change so i hope you will find the strenght to put your foot down and show them both you are worth much more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): No you're not being unreasonable. Your partner is obviously unwilling to do anything about it. It won't change. I'd leave him, unless you want the rest of your life to be like this.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 No I do not think you are being unreasonable.
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