A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a gay male who has a question that sounds just stupid. You would think at age 24 and as someone who isn't shy--I wouldn't be asking this, but how can I tell if this guy really likes me? I have done a lot of casual dating but never anything serious. So maybe this is the root of my problem. I have a profound admiration and adoration for him, but I don't want to skew my reality by these feelings.We met a while back, and before we met he told me he was seeing some guy (this was short-lived). So he didn't want me to think he was playing with my feelings. A week later, he texted me to tell me I was such a cool guy and that we should meet-up because he really wants us to be friends. When we did, we had this really lengthy and incredible conversation. This lasted for hours. And when we said our goodbyes, he squeezed my hand. We have been out multiple times, and it's been refreshing we spend a lot of time together.Now yesterday we met up, and it had been sometime. We go periods of times where we won't talk or see each other. It has probably been over a month since we last saw each other, and maybe over a week since we didn't text. Anyway, yesterday was strange because he really opened up about his personal life. He told me so much which he told me he never tells anyone, but he told me it's because I have opened so much about myself to him. Moreover, we spent over three hours chatting. This always happens, we spend hours and hours just talking. Well, eventually he had to leave to take his friend her dinner. And I apologized for making him late, and he's like "don't worry about it...it was well worth it."I don't know what to make of all of this. We have a good friendship, but every time we are together...I feel safe and comfortable, and I don't wan't to be wrong, but I do feel there are some sparks between us.I appreciate anyone's input on this situation...P.S. I have thought of telling him about how I feel, but in the event he doesn't feel the same. I'd hate for him to feel strange around me...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2014): I'm gay, and I'll try to give a sensible answer if I can. I read your comments carefully. I will bring up a few points that I want you to consider; and then you can make a reasonable assessment of your situation.
Let's start with this comment:
"A week later, he texted me to tell me I was such a cool guy and that we should meet-up because he really wants us to be friends."
The operative word is "friends." This sets the pace. My translation: "Let's get to know each other just as friends. I'm not really promising anything; I like you, but want to know more about you."
Now your perspective:
"I have a profound admiration and adoration for him, but I don't want to skew my reality by these feelings."
Very wise. You need time to even know (or define) what your own true feelings are. That is because you have an acute fascination for the guy at this point. If he is charming and attractive; that is your first impression as a gay man for another gay man. There is always that one guy who comes along that has something different going for him.
He is different from the usual guys you meet. Something that meets the criteria subconsciously stored in the back of your mind. There are specific qualities you look for in a man built into your psyche, that will standout about a guy that means more to you than sex. He has charm, you talk for hours; because he's intelligent. He appeals to you on different levels.
You are also beginning to look at men from a more mature angle. You now look more into their personality. Not just how quickly you can get him into the sack. That is because he put you on hold long enough for you to think. Most gay men approach each other from a more sexual standpoint; too quickly to actually establish a more personal connection between them. The time gap between you, allowed the primal attraction to subside long enough for you to actually allow your larger-head take control, and actually like the guy from an intellectual stand-point. You can talk for hours without jumping each others bones. The fascination grows.
Careful. This could pass if you see red-flags or quirks that have yet to be revealed. You have to see all sides of a person before reaching the conclusion you may have real feelings. He may be in that same phase. He may not be ready for anything serious, but you may be a good candidate.
Take it slow, and see what develops. Fascination can make you prematurely express your feelings verbally; but allow things to naturally develop before telling him how you feel. Romantic feelings can be expressed in small ways. Save words for later.
That way, he you won't get ahead of yourself.
He has opened up to you. You slowly reveal yourself to people, as you build trust. You opened up to him. So he took that exactly the way it should have been taken. Young man, you are maturing and you are now becoming in-touch with your feelings. Going beyond just your sexual impulses, but now offering yourself as more of a person, not just a body to be played with.
I think it would be safe to say he likes you enough; but don't start expressing your feelings until sexual-tension builds between you; and more romantic queues come your way.
He may still be working it out in his mind about how he feels about the other guy. You said that was only a short-lived connection. You need to know why?
You don't want to be caught on the rebound. Long chats connect good friends. It doesn't necessary mean much more than that. It's safe to tell him that you really like him, and hope to see how things progress. Leave it open-end like that. He could then re-establish whether your can expect more than only friendship; or if this is as far as it goes.
Since he was involved with someone shortly before you both met, you have to make sure you're both on the same page.
This was not said to discourage you. It was not meant to make you over-think. I think your gut will take you the rest of the way. You are old enough to know when someone is attracted to you. How much? If you take your time and don't rush things, you give him a chance to get that other guy out of his system, and more of you in there. The other guy may have noticed the same great qualities you are observing in your new friend. Now that he's opening up, find out what went wrong with the other guy; so you won't repeat his mistake.
You both seem to have a good connection going. Just keep in mind he said "friends," and take it from that angle. Every now and then test him. Look deep into his eyes. Touch his arm when you talk to him. Lean in to talk to him. If he doesn't step back; or put distance between you, he is developing feelings that might be just more than platonic.
Good luck. I have a good feeling about what you have. There is no doubt that he likes you. How? Is the question. I think that question is answering itself, every-time the two of you get together.
I'd love to hear from you again.
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