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male
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anonymous
writes: Please help!I have been with my girlfriend for 4 1/2 yrs. We got engaged a week ago, but I can't stop thinking about the fact that I have not been entirely honest with her about my past.I had a one night stand with a girl back in college. I also had a drunken kiss with my old flatmate. Both of these things were before me and my fiance got together, so this may sound silly. But they are the only things I have ever lied to her about and I feel aweful. And I only lied because I am ashamed and did not want her to think less of me.Should I tell her or just keep quiet?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006): I'm gonna say that you should tell her.
Not because you should, or have to, but because if she is the right girl for you, who loves you, and understands you, then she will not judge you. She will probably admire your honesty and it will probably make you closer.
Do it, I think you'll feel amazing to have it off your chest. And if your fiancee does react very badly, I think it would highlight perhaps a problem with her that would need addressing at some point during your marriage any way.
Just tell her you want to clarify the talk about your past and tell her again everything that you want to say so that you know she knows clearly what you want her too.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006): It's the question asker again...
I know all these things are right! I've never cheated on her, never even thought about it and I've been 100% honest about everything, except this.
I think the reason I've got such a problem with it is that I made a promise to myself, and I know this sounds a bit cheesy, that I would always look after her and protect her from any sh*t the world had to throw at at her. I have always done this to the best of my ability and I think the reason I wasn't totally honest about it at the time was because I stupidly thought that by keeping it from her I was protecting her in some way. Now I realise it was just the opposite and I feel like I have broken my promise.
I also understand that I am human. I am not perfect and have made mistakes.
The stupid thing is I have thought a lot about it. If it were the other way round I know I wouldn't have a problem with it - if anything, I'd just want her to stop feeling guilty about it. It's just that we have an amazing relationship and a wonderful life and I don't want to ruin it...
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female
reader, b3x  +, writes (7 November 2006):
 At the end of the day you did NOTHING and have done NOTHING wrong, so ther is NO reason for her to be annoyed or upset with you, if she leaves you because you didn't tell her about you past then I would be amazingly suprised!
You've not lied to her, it was early on the relationship, you were uncertain about your future with her then plus not really at the stage where you do talk about your past. I know in the early stages of my relationship I was just concentrating on my bf not his past!
I really doubt she'll be annoyed with you, maybe the best thing to do is just talk to her, or show her this even, I think then she'll see the mixture of replies and by reading your post know how much this silly thing was bothering you honey.
She won't leave you, she loves you, you worship her! If anything try not to worry about it, I bet your bottom dollar she may have said something to you in the early stages of the relationship which she thinks now 'I wish I didn't say that' etc.
I guess its up to you, but you've done nothing wrong, like I said if anything forget about it, you'll only panic and then she'll notice something different! Cherish what you have now, not at the start of your relationship. Always stick by your gut instinct, after all you know her better than we do. Keep safe fella xx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): In reply to b3x...
I am the guy that posted the question...
This has been eating me up for a long time. The reason is that we had the 'how many people have you slept with' chat. I think I included this girl in the number, but didn't tell my fiance about the specifics. the other, drunken snog thing was with my ex-flatmate. My fiance asked me, very early in our relationship, if anything had ever happened between me and the girl and stupidly I said no.
I have no contact with the one night stand girl and very little contact with the ex-flatmate. It's not so much the acts that are killing me, but the simple fact that I lied about them. I have always been 100% honest about everything, apart from this. I feel like I've totally let her down. She is the most amazing person I have ever met and we have a wonderful life together. If she left me I would be completely lost. She is the love of my life.
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A
female
reader, b3x +, writes (7 November 2006):
By the way, I envy you for your honesty! I would love for my bf to tell me everything about him, not because I am insecure (I am a lilttle) But you guys must have a good relationship xx
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female
reader, b3x +, writes (7 November 2006):
Right so this has been eating you up for like 4 years?
Its obvioulsy causing you some hassle, I don't see why she should be annoyed at you as this happened before you two got together plus you have never cheated on her, so I don't see what the problem is?
I am tempted like the other aunts to say keep quiet, but its obviously eating you up! Maybe just chat to her one night and tell her that you been thinking about this issue for ages and it starteds to annoy you. You have alot of honestly in your relationship as you said you've never lied to her, but your not lying to her now! Just tell her, she'll prob think your just being silly, I know if my bf now told me something about his past and being in your situation, I'll think nothing of it.
I guess try and just forget about it really, but if not tell her about it, she has NO reason to be mad or annoyed, but babes honestly, its just silly, you've done nothing wrong honey, I guess its up to you though xx
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A
female
reader, horsie_2001 +, writes (7 November 2006):
So you want to tell her to ease your own guilt- it wont work!! Youll just mess stuff up even more, and youll end up feeling worse for hurting her. In my experience she probably wouldnt want to know-women like to paint this perfect picture of their men so dont mess it up for her! the past errors wont help your future, so leave then there. Just dont do it again!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): Look these things did'nt happen while you were together so why would it affect your relatinoship?.
keep quiet about them its not like youve cheated on her.
the past is the past, concentrate on your fiancee.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (7 November 2006):
 Are you nuts? Zip your lip! The past is just that...past. It would serve no purpose to drudge it up. Just enjoy today and tomorrow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): Why tell her now? They were before you two got together, so why spoil it now, just let it go to the back of your mind and then throw it away. Yes, keep quiet. We all have a past, some of which we are not too proud of. In your case it is nothing major and before your girlfiend. KEEP QUIET. Take care.
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