A
male
age
30-35,
*lackmeister
writes:Nowadays, everywhere you look the media displays sex, and for me it doesn't do well for my esteem which is already low. What I mean is that I feel frustrated and inadequate; tv especially presents sex as a thing that only the popular and the outrageously beautiful can get, and people like me are useless when it comes to it. I keep hearing that being a virgin isn't a big deal, but I still feel pathetic that I've never had a girlfriend, or even been able to attract one. Following this, my question is technically a three-parter. First, how do you deal with these sexual frustrations? And I don't mean relieving yourself with mastabation or watching porn or whatever, I mean how can you convince yourself not inadequate and not feel that all women find you unattractive? Seriously, I know it sounds foolish, but that's how I deeply feel. Secondly, mainly for the girls, how would you view a man of twenty whose still a virgin, and what would be your assumptions of why he still is one? Would you be put off, thinking he would be useless in bed? Would you think him strange, since the media potrays young men having a lot of sex rather than being virgins? Or would you actually feel humbled and empowered, since you would be basically teaching him and he'll remember you as his first and greatest experience? Thirdly, since I utterly lack this skill and not ashamed to say it, how do you converse with a woman you like, either to get to know her as a friend, or as a potential partner? I admit I like the thought of sex with no strings attatched, but deep down I really would like a female partner to talk to a to like me for who I am, either as a friend or closer. (Sounds soppy I know, but I prefer to say what's on my mind rather than lie to you all. Plus you have no idea who I am so it makes it better). The problem is, with women, I can't get pass the "general, offhanded" talking to the "would you like to hang out or something?" talking, since my confidence just plummets there. With men it's easy, but with women it's like learning a different language since the woman's mindset is clearly different. Anyway that's my questions. As you probably worked out my social skills are very crap and I'm insecure when it comes to sex. If anyone has advice or simple answers to the questions, I'm always listening. Thanks.
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confidence, insecure, never had a girlfriend, porn, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, blackmeister +, writes (13 July 2010):
blackmeister is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for answering, I really do appreciate them. To the female readers below this post, thank you for being so understanding and kind. For some reason I'm still surprised at how some women, like you, take a positive notion of a young man being a virgin. It sounds a bit silly, considering everyone isn't the same. Perhaps, from a male's perspective, sex with a woman can sometimes be a matter of masculine pride and confidence, which is why a man being a virgin is sometimes childishly presented as a strange and pathetic thing. Confidence in a man, from what I heard, is what women find attractive; thus from me having low confidence, I sometimes feel that I am unattractive to many women. These ideas can be regarded as nonsense of course fueled by the media; like masquerade711 wrote, tv isn't reality. I'm trying to overcome these negative thoughts about myself, but I admit it's difficult and easy to slip back. To the reader directly below this post, your answer is very interesting, especially the conclusion with the options. Personally, I would prefer option 1, since considering how I was brought up and how I view women, I just can't see myself doing option 2. I'd rather know the women are having sex with me for deeper reasons other than being just horny and wanting to fuck anyone available. I won't lie to myself that the thought never crossed my mind, but the thought of just doing that until I die isn't something I look forward to, making me more skewed towards option 1. Option 1 can be seen as a more of a challenge, since rather than following from a seduction book, you're enforcing self-confidence and respect within yourself by stepping up to the challenge without any tricks and faking a person you are not. Could this be one of the reasons why some women find this way more attractive?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010): I met a guy that was 21 yrs ago and he was a virgin. Like you he didnt want to tell me like he was ashamed of it. I RESPECTED him SO MUCH. i wanted to wait myself but gave in to peer pressure at 17 (which I still really really regret). Same story as you and I felt all the same things, in the end I said yes to an oppurtunity (not cuas i wanted to but caus I wanted to get it over with).
You will meet someone and when you do it will just click, and if she is decent (which is what you want) she we see your virginity as a gift as i did many years ago with that guy...it was so special. You have no baggage, your not a player, you have self respect and respect women. Your a catch :-) Dont view it any other way just because of the snot in the media or the idiots that walk the street thinking they are something they are not (and usually realise it later on in life).
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A
female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (7 July 2010):
 One thing you should definitely remember is that TV is NOT reality. The fact is, a lot of people brag about having sex when really, they're just as clueless as the next guy. You seem like a very articulate person, very smart and intelligent, so surely you can understand that TV is not the thing to base your confidence on. If I did that, I may never get out of bed in the morning because I'm not 5'10 and 110 lbs. You just have to live your life the best way that YOU know how.
As for the first part to your question, there's no concrete way to convince yourself of those things. You simply have to believe them. You have to come to a realization within your own self that you are NOT inadequate, and there may be plenty of women who find you attractive, maybe they're just as shy as you are.
A man of 20 who's still a virgin is SUCH a rarity that I would find it amazingly attractive. I would certainly wonder what had caused him to delay having sex, but not in a negative way. That's called willpower, and considering most guys think with both heads, it's a good thing to have. I would feel very flattered if I was the girl you wanted to lose it to, but also, to be honest, a little nervous. If your first time happens in the right way, you tend to feel a deeper connection with that person than you will with other partners later on. I'm not sure how I would feel about being someone's first time, but that's just me. The fact that you're inexperienced wouldn't bother me.
Talking to women is really easy once you figure out what we want. It's a little known secret, but for you, I'll let you in on it.
Are you ready? Here it is...
WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE WANT.
At all. We think we do, until it comes along, only then is it proven to us what we actually want. All most women are looking for is someone sweet, kind, caring, and intelligent, who's not going to grab our ass or stare at our chest for a prolonged period of time. Someone who's going to generally care about us, whom we can care for in return.
Sounds like you have everything necessary to make some lucky girl very happy. :) You just have to find her. And you will when you least expect it.
Sorry for the length, but I hope it was at least helpful. Best of luck!
masq
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