| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I have been married for the past 7years. But never been in love with him in the real sense. I just cant stand his way of making love. I have been having a couple of affairs for the past 4years. Even if I dont orgasm I love their ways of kissing and love making. But I shudder when my husband starts to kiss me. I dread going to bed with him. I had asked him to divorce me saying I will never change even if I try. But he wont hear of it. He is still hoping one day I will start loving him. I have lost all hope. I feel sorry for him. I am staying with him only for our son and for security. Perhaps I'm just using him. Whatever he just wont think of a divorce or taking up new lovers. I wish I could change. I dont want to be a burden to him. What do I do? Readers please help...
View related questions:
affair, divorce, kissing, orgasm Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou everyone for the valuable advice you all have given. My problems seem half solved. Thanks again...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2006): I am a proponent saying to people 'Don’t divorce. Look into fixing things first". But honestly, your marriage is so broken, I can't say that. I think you need to get help to start get your life back in order. You are very stuck and sounding very despondent due to your unhappy situation. The despondency and feeling of hopelessness is keeping you there and instilling an unwillingness in you. It's preventing you from getting motivated to helping yourself become a more independent, self-sufficient person. I understand this, because many women have been in your situation. Your fear of going it alone has made you dependent on your husband. You need to break this cycle. You have to do something about your situation-face the possibility that you may have to become a 'single Mom' in the hopes that you can have a happier life. I suggest you start planning to go it alone, in order to be fair to you and your husband. As for his stand on 'no divorce', he needs to realize this is an 'equal relationship' in the legal sense. If you walk, he has no choice, does he? He sounds controlling. I may be wrong but I need to ask-are you being emotionally abused? If he's somehow convinced you, you could never be strong enough to go it on your own...you have to ask 'why' he's doing this. I'm not trying to toatally blame him but I sense from your posting, your spirit seems really broken down and weakened. One way to living a healthy life, is to seek some counselling, to get some better coping skills to help you become strong and learn to do it on your own. Call your family doctor and have him recommend a good counsellor to help you through this. Ask your counselor about programs to help single Mom's get back up on their feet. Start planning but remember, this will be a long process, so give it time. I wish you the best of luck and take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anja +, writes (31 May 2006):
 I don't beleive in staying with someone for the sake of the child...what utter crap!! It creates a very tense and unhappy environment, children pick this up really easily. He can't force you to stay.
You have to leave him, he obviously has no self worth and self esteem as he knows about your affairs and is willing to put up with that. He needs to seek proffessional help to sort out his confidence problem, he sounds VERY insecure.
It is unreasonable of him to expect you to stay and 'hope' you will change your mind. He is living in a dream world..sometimes you have to let go of the things you love most. If he really loves and cares for you, he must see how unhappy you are and he must let you go, for both your sakes!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (31 May 2006):
 Not entirely sure why you married a man that you weren't in love with. Rather than say you made your bed, lie in it, I want to say get out of both the marital / lovers' beds and lie in a single one for a bit....Your question is littered with so many that it's hard to pick through.
He knows what you're doing. He still wants you. He won't divorce you. You pity him. Perhaps you're just using him. He has hopes you'll love him, you've lost hope. You don't want to be a burden to him. You wish you could change....
If you really mean that last statement, then that's possible!
How was the sex before you had your child? How about trying to teach him what you like? Maybe get him to blindfold you, then you can fantisize? It may not seem fair on him, but neither are affairs (and I'm sure many people fantasize regardless of a blindfold!) Try and cut out the lovers. Sex is obviosuly important for you, but it isn't helping your married sex life. If you don't love him, have no intention of giving it a go or giving up affairs then it's not fair on anyone to stay, especially your son who you say you're staying for. Make your own security. Divorce doesn't have to be his decision. You can leave? I suspect you won't enjoy the affairs as much when you're single, but at least you'll be able to know if you have lost anything or if you've both gained....
...............................
|
