A
male
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*ithnail700
writes:I need help! I've been dating a great girl for two years now, but I still can't decide if it's love or not. She's a wonderful, kind, caring and intelligent girl and I love spending time with her and having her in my life. But there have been problems in the relationship. I've dumped her four times already but I always end up missing her and going back to her. It's not fair on her but I feel as if I just can't work out my true feelings for her. I know I must sound like a total scoundrel but I'm only trying to do the right thing. I know I'm hurting her more and more as this goes on, but I'm running out of solutions. She wants to get a house together and have a child. We even looked round one last month, but I just keep getting these fears that I've not really found true love yet, and if and when I do I will end up having an affair and she'll be hurt even more. I've tried to tell her what I'm going through but I just end up making her cry. It's making me really depressed and to make matters worse I met someone else online when my girlfriend and I were last apart, and now I keep thinking about her, even though we've never met. I feel as if I'm going out of my mind. I don't want to loose her but I also need to know if it's love before I commit to her - it's only fair. But I just get this feeling I wouldn't be questioning 'love' - surely if I was actually in love. How do you know when you're in love?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2006): Love at first sight is easy to understand, it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime it becomes a miracle.Let her fly with someone else and find hapiness, you are not the right man for her, you are on a journey and you may search for a long time to find your answers, if you are free you will cause less pain.
A
male
reader, Withnail700 +, writes (2 July 2006):
Withnail700 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you Leanelle, you have helped me enormously with your reply. I think neither one of us is happy; she is unhappy because she wants us to buy a house and move things on, have a child maybe. And I am unhappy because my life is full of doubts, worries and indecision concerning my true feelings for her. I should also have added in my original post that twice when we have been apart I have dated another girl - and hurt her too. My girlfriend has also been with someone else in the period when we were last apart, and I found this really hard to handle, knowing that she had been intimate with another man. But I guess I was just receiving some of my own medicine.
But I now feel as if I really should let her move on and find someone who really knows what it is he wants. I feel as if I can't go on seeing her and that really we have reached a point whereby too much damage has been done. I will be so sad and will miss her deeply, but I feel now I know that what I feel for is just not enough.
Perhaps, it is true, that if we find ourselves questioning love, then maybe we are not in love at all. Perhaps true love is so overpowering that the few of us whom are lucky enough to find it would ever feel the need to question it at all.
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A
female
reader, leannelle +, writes (2 July 2006):
 Unfortunately there isn't a straight-forward answer to this question. Love isn't as simple as some say. I lived with someone for 5 years, and although I did love him, I also knew that I could possibly love someone else more. We had a brilliant relationship and don't regret anything, we parted amicably and with mutual agreement. The reason we were able to do this is because we were honest with each other and more importantly we didn't have any children! Please don't consider having children in this situation, it won't help anything at all! Also, the only thing the internet relationship is doing is proving that you also could fall for someone else, although it's more likely the idea of the other girl rather than the reality. It's impossible to give a definitve answer, but my advice would be: If you are both happy with the current situation, just enjoy it together with mutual trust and respect, relationships don't always have to be 'going somewhere' they can be enjoyed for the moment. If your girlfriend wants to push things forward or is unhappy, it's only fair to put her in the position to be able to find someone who knows they love her, without you interferring or giving her hope of you going back. Don't add children to the equation don't pursue any other relationship unless you are totally prepared to leave your girlfriend first so that you are a 'free man'. If you do leave her, don't add to the pain by sticking around. Good luck.
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