A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy recently that I am really into and he feels the same about me. This guy is long-distance and is divorced and has been for 9 years. When he asked me "are you married" I answered that I was for five years...kind of giving him the impression I wasn't anymore.The thing is, legally I am still married. I asked my husband for a separation about a month ago, but he essentially blackmailed me into staying with him by threatening to take the kids. So although neither of us wear out wedding rings, nothing is official.Here's the problem, I am going to meet up with this new guy in a few weeks and he does not know the full truth. I am planning on explaining things when I see him, but my sister thinks that everything will backfire when I tell him the truth. I am scared to tell him the truth, which I know is probably my conscience's way of telling me I'm doing something wrong...but I don't want to lose this guy. I am doing my best to get out of my current situation, but it is tough.Some people say that I should wait until everything is official before I pursue another relationship, but it's not like I'm the first person ever to fall in love with someone else while I am still married. I tried to end this marriage, but I can't lose my kids. What should I do? I feel like if this new relationship is meant to be then he will understand. The one thing I'm worried about is that he will be upset I wasn't more upfront in the beginning.I should also mention, we only met one time before. We started a texting relationship after that, finding out that we actually live in different (but neighboring) countries. We have discussed what will happen and how we can make it work if it turns out that we want to pursue an actual relationship.So what do you think? Do you think that because I haven't been upfront it's doomed? Or do you think that because this relationship isn't serious yet, that I don't need to divulge every detail until it's necessary? Once we meet up on this trip, if things are going well I was planning on explaining everything to him.I'm so confused!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): get the divorce. Are you planning to stay married forever? in that case...this new guy is NEVER going to agree to that if he's the type that asked if you were married right away.
get the divorce. So your husband says he will take the children...will that stance change if you delay a year? two years? 10? no...then do it now, and fight the legal fight to get your kids.
You really can't stand to go through that process? Then stop dating. because you'll always be married... and no honest or decent man will date you while you're married. Because he will see no future with you...you'll never be able to marry him cuz ur married to another man still.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (30 July 2013):
 OP, I re-read your post after reading the reply from Iamheretohelpyou. I hadn't read your post properly. You are still with your husband, not even separated. I agree with Iamheretohelpyou that you need to end your marriage fully (at the very least formally separate) before trying to move on with someone else.
Yup, you need to get a lawyer and find out what the situation is re custody of your children. Sort that out first. Yes you're not the first person to fall in love (though at this stage it isn't love) with another person while still marriage, but it doesn't make it 'OK'. You know this yourself.
Get legal advise. The end of your marriage doesn't necessarily mean losing your children. You need reassurance about that. Don't be lazy or hide your head in the sand - get the ball rolling.
Meanwhile, don't be selfish. Be mindful of the new guy's feelings. Don't reel him in under false pretenses. No matter how much you need to move on from your husband and feel love, you're not at the right time in your life to do so. Don't mislead him, don't mess around with him. He will lose respect for you, and you will lose your self respect.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (29 July 2013):
Tell him exactly what you've told us and ASAP.
I recently dated a guy who sold himself as 'single'. As the situation unfolded I learnt that he is in fact separated, not divorced, not even on the road to divorce (no lawyers etc). It was a big shock and I dumped and flushed (there were other major reasons why I folded, but his lack of transparency/ downright dishonesty about this didn't help).
If you explain the situation to him as you have here, I hope he'll understand. Honesty is one of the most important factors in relationships - the longer you leave it to tell him the truth, the worse it'll get.
It's not necessarily doomed, but tell him. Explain the situation in full, and tell him why you held back being totally honest. I hope he will understand.
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