A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I admitted to my wife just after Christmas that I'd cheated on her with a prostitute. I regret my behaviour very much and have no intention of ever repeating it. My wife is trying to forgive me and we're still together, but she doesn't wear her wedding ring anymore. She says our marriage is over and what we have now is a new relationship.My wife is particularly down at the moment as our wedding anniversary is approaching. From my perspective, I'm really not sure whether I should get her a card or try to commemorate the day at all. I'm worried she'll be angry if I do as it'll seem like an insult after my having been unfaithful, but then if I don't it'll appear that I don't care.Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Should I get her a card and gift or not?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 July 2013):
 I wouldn't treat this anniversary the same as the ones before it, obviously, but you could ask your wife if she would like to do something special that day. A card she can probably do without, especially if she's already told you the marriage is over.
Giving her a choice in the matter gives her some of her power back. She didn't have a say in your extra marital activities. She's entitled to a say in this. And I think it would only help your union to encourage a more open line of communication instead of having a marriage based on assumptions.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): Your wife is rout that the marriage is over, and what you have is a different type of relationship. The fact that she has taken off her ring means she has one foot out the door already.
I think I would be more hurt and betrayed if my husband cheated by using a prostitute than if he had a real relationship with a mistress that he was in love with. It is one thing to cheat. It is another to cheat AND to demonstrate total disregard for the woman's body and personhood essentially using her like a live blow up doll. Something about being OK with having sex with a stranger where the sex is centered entirely around your gratification with zero regard for whether she feels disgusted or scared or unhappy about having sex with you, is creepy. (which is different from having sex with a mistress one has a romance with). Also realize that many prostitutes were forced into it via human trafficking. By doing your part to demand more human trafficking by financially supporting it, you are doing your part to increase violence and brokenness in this world. That is a level of baseness I don't think I could get over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): I respectfully disagree with the commenter who says you should court her as if you are newly met. Your wife needs to heal from the pain you caused her however long it takes. You don't heal pain by pretending you just met and the past didn't happen. Courting seems disingenuous and trying to manipulate her feelings. Just leave her alone and let her be the one to initiate any step towards closeness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): Perhaps write her a letter - one that will stand the test of time. The fact she has taken her wedding ring off is demonstration that she does not consider she has a marriage in the proper sense. This is a symbol and she has every right. You have hurt her on a level that may never recover and why on earth would you think it would? Your only hope is to see whether she can heal in some way and be there as she does. I hope you used a condom by the way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): No don't get her anything, as the marriage is gone. you have a new type of relationship with your wife right now, one where she at times loathes you, doesn't trust you, is angry at you, and does not feel close to you. She says this is a new relationship, but realize that this doesn't mean the relationship starts from zero as if you were complete strangers. Strangers don't have baggage with each other so they are truly a clean slate. Instead, your new relationship is starting from underneath a huge pile of garbage. it will take a really long time before you even get to the 'clean slate' part. and yes for a long time it will be "damned if you do, damned if you don't". You will just have to take whatever comes to you. Remember why and how you got to be in this situation so your goal shouldn't be to minimize your discomfort but to accept whatever ugly feelings your wife has, which YOU put there. I also suggest you go to marital counseling. Your wife needs to vent her feelings, and to do it over and over again however much it takes. Suppressing her feelings in order to live peacefully in the day-to-day with you, is going to build up resentment and toxic feelings in her. She could use counseling. You also could use counseling. Cheating on your wife was a deliberate and planned act. You don't just get to say "I regret it and wont' do it again, end of story." No, you don't get off the hook just for being sorry. You need to know why you did it or you will surely do it again. Maybe you felt your wife wasn't meeting your needs. So why did you do this rather than working it out with her? Maybe she wouldn't listen to you when you tried to work it out. Why wouldn't she listen, did it have to do with what you were saying? You can't just "start over" a relationship after you've betrayed your spouse, it will be destined to repeat the same pattern or will sink into even lower levels of resentment and dissatisfaction and anger and result in divorce if lucky, or just more cheating and lying and betrayal. You have to actually work to resolve what went wrong, take responsibility (not just say "I'm sorry, I wont' do it again"), make amends, adjust to realistic expectations, deal with your own anger and unhappiness, and do this over and over again until either healing occurs or one of the spouses can't take it anymore and files for divorce. This may sound pessimistic, but this is what happens to a marriage when you commit adultery.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (30 July 2013):
 *COURT* her. You remember what your dating life before marriage was like, right?
She's right...you destroyed your marriage. So court her as if you newly met. You would throw your affair in her face if you get her an anniversary gift. So, on your anniversary, think of something meaningful to you both when your relationship was new and take her out.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (30 July 2013):
 if it were me i believe i would get a card with the words or some like " how that i am sorry for hurting you, you mean the world to me. ect.. ect..." a card of love maybe not an anniversary card, but a card from my heart. i believe i would add rose,s and a ring or other personal jewelry with the card. it would not hurt a night away at a hotel either. if you want to get at her heart , what you wright on the card had better come from your heart, and put some time in on it. your marriage may be over to her because of the damage you inflected, she sees things as a need for a new start " new relationship". start out on the right foot and win her back, show her you are going to work at the relationship you two have. the thing is you are will have to when her heart back. you will have to work at it, and it will have to come from your heart or she will see through it if you are just doing it out of mechanics " going through the motions". i hope this helps , if i was in your place i would be doing the extras.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): yes it would be a total insult to give your wife something for the marriage anniversary!she said the marriage is over, she won't even wear her wedding ring and for good reason. therefore, the marriage date is the last thing she wants to be reminded of.yes she says this is a new relationship. But, remember that most new relationships don't go anywhere, they end in break up. Be aware that just because she says this is a new relationship it doesn't mean there will be a good outcome, just that for now she is willing to try. but seeing as how it was less than a year ago that you admitted to cheating, be prepared that it may take YEARS for her to feel anything for you. my husband betrayed my trust, apologized, cried and all that, we went to counseling both together and individually, and 3 years later I still don't feel the same.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 July 2013):
 No gift or card. She said your marriage is over, this is something new. So no celebration of the past marriage that is in ruins. That would just be rubbing salt in the wound.
Rather, try to "celebrate" whatever new anniversaries you have. But talk to her about this. Tell her you want to make things right by her, but that you don't know how she would want it, or what would be the best way to approach your goal of a good relationship. That you worry she will be sad if you do not give her a gift, but that you worry she will not like it if you do.
But, allow her to be angry at you. Yes, be damned if you do and damned if you dont. If anything, it'll let some frustration out for her. It's not good to have a go at you forever, but in order to not hold a grudge over you it might actually be of help to allow her to be pissed in this upcoming time. Give it about 6-12 months where she gets to rampage and be angry. It's understandable why she is angry. But it is also hard for her to direct that anger at something else other than you, since you're the one who hurt her... and you're the one she loves. In many ways she's also damned if she do and damned if she don't.
If you can ride this one out, then all the best to you. If not.. well, it's something that for many is impossible to heal from. You can only try to do your best and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2013): Talk to her about your concerns. That shows you care! You could maybe suggest going out on that day, to remember why you were together in the first place but also to mark it as the start of your future again. Think of it less as an anniversity and more like the chance of a date together. As it is the start of a new relationship together, have you started to date her again? You may be married and living together but you got to get courting too. To get to know each other again, find the love that was so easily lost. You have to give her reason to believe you still want her and give her reason to still want you.
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