A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:right now im feeling meh . everything but my love life is going great. I got into online dating and have met a fantastic man we get on so well apart from odd times he acts like a 5 year old espesh around his 8 yr old nephew. He really acts like a child around him and he is 39. He has no children of his own and says he would be too immature to have any children of his own but apart from certain things that are nothing to blink at i do think he would make a fantastic dad. I can see how he would let a child be a child which personally is getting rare these days. BUT ... yes but, my ex i was with last year suddenly found my contact details ( we had no friends in common and i blocked him from everything ) asking me to pick up from where we left off. i know i shouldn't have to even question it or myself. One has ptsd and wants children one just acts like a kid around kids but doesnt want any biological children. If i could blend both met into one id be happy but thats impossible and i know its unfair to ''wait out '' and see how things go with the new guy hoping he might want a child one day even tho im 2 yrs older than him but its also unfair to myself to go back to a ' maybe ' with an ex. split from ex 11 month ago got with new guy almost 3 month ago. my mind is getting messed about and i need and will take a step back to sort things out
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (17 December 2018):
 Neither.
Why would you go back to an ex that you blocked out of your life? You obviously thought to yourself ‘This guy isn’t worth my time and needs removing from my life’ and now he’s decided to become a creep and find your contact info to get back in touch you’re considering him? Have you become that desperate?
If a man tells you that he’s too immature then believe him. You’ve already got rid of one bum so why get involved with another who can’t look after himself?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 December 2018):
 Amen to Code Warrior,
I'd go with NEITHER as well.
One is an ex, it didn't work in the past, it probably won't in the future either. It will just be YOU wasting MORE of your time on the SAME guy, the SAME issue and problems.
Guy #2 seems sweet but IF you want kids, then it doesn't matter how SWEET he is. Kids aren't going to happen HE WILL NOT change his mind on that, and you NEED to respect that.
Both are bad choices for you and what you want in life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2018): It sounds to me like you are just settling if you chose either, why on earth would you want to go back to an ex you blocked off everything last year, there must have been good reason!!
Your biological clock seems to be ticking so you are trying to pick one out of two men who both don't sound suitable as fathers and you are not really into either.
My suggestion is you forget both and restart with the dating thing, a baby is for life and ideally both parents would have an input into that for life, you are trying to make something right when it very clearly isn't with either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2018): Postscript:
Never suppose anyone wants a child, if they've said they don't. Don't attempt to make a man your involuntary sperm-donor; thinking he might come around. I'm kind of picking-up that implication in your final comments.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2018): Why do you have to go back to someone you call an EX? Recycling exes is a bad habit! There is no such thing as picking-up where you left off. Revisit what happened that forced you to end it.
You already know what to expect from him; and will have to go through the risk of hoping he has changed. Few reconciliations workout. Most end worse the second-time around, than they did the first.
If you go out of your way to completely block someone from contact; you must convince yourself that you really don't want their contact. If you really don't mean it; this is usually how the repetitive-cycle of an "on and off" relationship begins. No offense, but you're too mature for such nonsense!
Don't criticize guy#2 for being childish; if you also behave like an indecisive schoolgirl, unable to choose the right boy! Guy #1 had his chance and blew it! Now he's back?
Here we go! You'll weaken under pressure. You'll reluctantly take him back (knowing better); and nothing is any different from what it was before. Not to mention the question of what went on during that gap in time that you were apart? Do you really want to know? Do you want to have to explain yourself and your actions while he wasn't there? Trust me, he'll want to know, and you will too! That's usually what starts distrust. Jealousy!
Try not to allow yourself to just submit to sentiment, be compelled by the fear of loneliness; or simply settle, because you're just tired of trying to find the right guy.
The worse case scenario being; because you feel you "need" a man out of desperation, being a lady over 40. Rather than feeling independent and secure enough to choose quality male-companionship; because you feel ready for romance and a healthy relationship. Even if it means ditching both; and continuing your search for an even better match.
Don't get me wrong. We are all subjected to that feeling that we don't want to age and grow old alone. We don't want to feel we're being too judgemental, or overly-picky. If you've been through hell enough with bad relationships; common-sense should tell you that you can do bad all by yourself. Don't go find help to make things 2x worse!
Don't let your age be a factor in lowering your standards in men. You have a head-start giving-in to the law of gravity. If he's 39 going on 5, he will notice the progression of changes brought on by age. You seem to have a sensitivity towards that! Merely by the fact his boyishness bothers you; because it reminds you that you're the older person between you!
Lowering your standards leads to nothing but failure. Then you're back to being alone. Emotionally-bankrupt, a nervous-wreck, and back to square-one. After wasting all that precious time recycling a previous failure; or forcing yourself to watch a grown-man transform into a childish-state of behavior, to the degree it makes you cringe.
Imagine! While making-love, you'll begin to visualize that creepy image! I'm just saying! If the 8 year-old seems more mature of the two? Dads behave like dads, not kids!
Consider this. Your ex's persistence to get back together doesn't necessarily mean he wants you back out of pure love. It could mean that his male-ego can't accept your willful rejection; or his need for control, will not allow him to let power shift-over into your hands. Your independence probably scares him! He feels like he has lost his grip; if he has narcissistic tendencies. Some people thrive on having power over our emotions and feelings.
If he hasn't changed, it means he has been unsuccessful finding your replacement. Nobody willing to put-up with him. He needs somebody who knows him, and he has already broken-in. He knows how to push your buttons, or pull your strings.
If you're seeing behavior in a guy that doesn't feel right, it isn't. You don't like childish men.
Adults can play and relate to children without regressing to childishness. Do you? If it makes you uncomfortable, it's because that's exactly how you see it. You're too serious to tolerate childishness in another adult. That leads to your criticism and an attempt to change him. You have no right to! If he relates to his nephew that way, and his nephew loves him for it; who are you to deny the child the uncle he knows and loves?
It might be cute to see him carry-on so, from time to time; but it can grow progressively irritating. We men do sometimes revert to our boyishness; but we have to be able to switch it off immediately! You seem slightly disgusted by it; or you wouldn't have mentioned it.
Dating someone for fun and companionship doesn't require imposing a higher-standard. Not if they're temporary; and you're seeing each other for the sake of a romantic-fling.
Things could get serious; then evaluation begins. Then you have to raise the bar! You are equals, a team, and should feel well-balanced.
If you're looking for something long-term and serious; you've got to be able to check-off as many of the boxes on the good-list as you can. You shouldn't force yourself to deal with either man; if you are serious about having a nurturing and growing relationship.
Don't count on either of them changing according to your specifications. Who are you? They're grown-men! Don't ever get the mindset that you intend to change people; lest you're made of clay, and don't mind being molded to suit their tastes as well! Too often women go-in thinking they'll change men with love, or persistent nagging. Neither works!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 December 2018):
 I appreciate that, at your age, your biological clock is ticking away 20 to the dozen and you are desperate to find a father for the child/children you want to have. However, have you considered that, maybe, neither of these men is right for you?
Not sure what you mean about your boyfriend acting "like a child" around children. You say it like it is a bad thing but all I can think of is that he plays with them "at their level" so to speak. This does not mean he is childish. It just means he enjoys a connection with children. As I see it, that is not your problem though. Your problem with him is that he does not want children of his own. He MAY change his mind, he MAY not. I certainly wouldn't be banking on that happening.
As for your ex, he is in your past for good reason I assume, especially as you blocked all contact from him. Why would you want to revisit that relationship? Whatever it was that split you up, has it changed or will you just be re-running old problems?
Perhaps you need to draw a line under BOTH relationships and carry on searching for what you feel you want?
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