A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiAbout 10 months ago I split up with my long term partner. In this months leading up to it I had what I'd describe as an emotional affair with a married woman in my office.My ex partner didn't know, the two just coincided. I knew couldn't possibly love my partner and the inevitable happened with no contact since. When I seperated with my partner, I told the other woman that I would never want to take it any further, and our friendship fell apart.I did what I thought was right all round, but months later and I feel terrible. I do love the married woman and I have to see her every day at work. Sometimes I just want to tell her but I can't and won't.How do I stop thinking about her? How do I convince myself that I don't love her and need to move on? Changing jobs isn't an option.I know people are going to judge me, but if I didn't have some fairly strong morals I'd still be at it with both of them. I'm so confused.
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affair, at work, married woman, move on, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2018): It is not your place to be her hero, OP.
You do not know the truth between them. Only what she tells you. You don't walk in their shoes. And despite whatever tales she tells, it is not your place to swoop in at the 11th hour. That would be easy for any guy to pick up a desperate woman.
If she is THAT miserable, she needs to take care of it. Not you. She is an adult. It's her mess. Not yours.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2018): You can't stop if she is encouraging you to love her. Either you have to redirect your attention to someone else who isn't married or attached or one of you has to change work place.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2018): OP here. Thanks for your responses.
It's very hard for me to visualise her happy because she isn't and it's written all over her face. Her husband is useless and drives her to depression, exhaustion and associated illness.
She would have a better life with me. I know that, she knows that, but she thinks I don't want her. That's the hardest bit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2018): Keep reminding yourself you have done the right thing. You want what you can't have, maybe look at changes jobs or at least actively looking at dating, even if not seriously but to get to know other woman, you are right she is off limits!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2018): Cold-turkey withdrawal and the fact that the woman is married ought to be a great start.
If you have to get a transfer, or seek another job; then do it.
Wrecking a marriage on company-time seems disingenuous, and too much of a risk to be worth it. If her husband finds out, no telling what drama will become of it.
If it becomes office-gossip of an affair; there is no telling where the the grapevine of gossip will end-up, or how it may effect your continued employment there. Some companies just won't deal with the liability or scandal it can bring on their reputation. People do crazy things these days, especially enraged cheated husbands!
The worst that could happen is somebody tells her husband at the office Christmas Party you're sniffing around his wife. Then you've got a pissed-off spouse ready to beat the pulp out of you.
It's more lust than anything. Learn to control your penis and be a professional. All that crap like you can't get it together might be something a buck in his 20's might be saying; but don't come across like you're unhinged.
Self-control is usually the best remedy. You're an adult.
Tap into that! You're old enough to control your hormones.
Love doesn't make people totally impulsive and reckless; that's more what stupid does!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2018): OP, I won't judge. I've been in your shoes and I understand. We are only human after all. The emotional affair happened because there were cracks in your long term relationship. You were unhappy with your partner. But I do respect your decision to leave your partner, knowing that you were not truly happy with her, WITHOUT getting involved emotionally AND physically with this married colleague. You were decent enough to let your partner go without destroying her by cheating on her. I also believe you are a decent enough man not to interfere in another relationship. This woman has committed her life to another man. Her husband. And likely she has children they are jointly responsible for as well as whole other life, a whole other history that you cannot ever begin to touch. All that holds a great deal of weight.
Now, let's talk about your married crush. She has become the forbidden fruit and she will forever be dangling in front of your face as long as you have everyday interactions with her. I can tell you that the ONLY way to END an affair is NO CONTACT. Even though you have not had sex, it still IS an affair. You are both feeding into it. If it was one sided, you would not be here. She has encouraged you. Because the spark is always ignited as long as there is close proximity. The feelings of longing continue to build. The fantasies replay in your head, and keep you awake at night. The intensity is almost palpable. She looks her best at work, is at her best. You see ONLY the best side of this woman. So keep this in mind. Feelings for a person will NEVER go away if you see this person all the time. That is logical. The only way to stop something is removing yourself altogether honey. There is no other option. And this is the path that proves your true strength.
Believe you me, you do not want to ruin your life by taking on that kind of baggage. If you think it is difficult now, wait until you become the other man. Your love would only grow and intensify and the fact she will never leave her husband and family for you will only make you bitter and resentful. She will never want anything serious from you. She already has serious. She is MARRIED.
It is clear she is going through some problems that need resolution at home. It is important for her to communicate with her husband and work through these issues as a couple. Introducing a third party distraction will only complicate and aggravate matters further. A third party is an intruder. Someone who interferes where they do not belong. So you are being a man by stepping away. But most women who seek solace outside their marriage are seeking attention. Often it's because they are going through a loss of connection phase with their husbands. The reasons are endless and we cannot speculate here. But perhaps he is always at work, a workaholic, perhaps he doesn't show her he loves her or isn't affectionate enough etc. Life gets in the way in long term marriages. That is just the way it goes. But that does not mean that you give up on each other and go fuck the first available guy who you might have a little spark with when the going gets tough. Maybe she is feeling neglected and therefore undesirable and is seeking an ego boost/validation outside the relationship? But just know, this is NOT your job. It is her husband's.
She probably still loves her husband. She married him, right? You are just a pleasant distraction honey. The feelings may seem intense because she is ignoring her marriage and indulging in a little fantasy. The fantasy becomes more powerful than reality. But in the end, it is a mirage. It never turns out like you thought it would. If you go through with it, you will become a changed man and you will never be the man you used to be. This is not a good thing.
You get wrapped up in the fantasy and it seems all encompassing. It seems like an against all odds love story playing out in front of you. This fuels intensity and the romantic ideas. But it's your mind playing tricks on you. It's the rush of chemicals that flood the brain during the initial honeymoon phase. Nature designed us that way. Stage one of love is the intoxication or infatuation phase. ALL of our brains are wired this way. So, it is not just you. It is designed to pair people together. The attraction phase. And believe me, it is very powerful. It is like your brain on drugs. It becomes highly addictive. So, this person becomes the person who you think about, dream about and obsess about. You are normal! It is your brain being hooked on crack cocaine. So, hopefully knowing you are dealing with this will help you see that you are dealing with what seems like an ADDICTION right now. Hard to kick the habit but if you see it for what it is, you can be strong to get yourself through it. You need some avoidance, strong self talk of all the negatives involved to get this romantic fantasy (which will turn to a nightmare) out of your head.
I do believe you need to get another job. You say it's not an option? I don't buy it. You can always find another job while remaining there, until you have secured a job somewhere else and then can hand in your resignation. Is it not an option because you don't want to let her go? You don't want to cut contact and therefore not able to see her everyday and continue adding fuel to this fantasy you have going on in your head? I think that would be more like it.
You asked on ways to stop this. First, realize it's your brain on drugs. You are meant to feel this intensity in the first stages of love. So, admitting a problem is step one. You have to get another job. Yes, it can be done and yes, it is the only way. Failing that, you need to ask for a transfer to another division where you do not see her. Also, perhaps changing your work hours? You also need to start getting out and having a social life outside of work. I have a feeling you are not expanding your social circles when you really need to. You need to be out meeting other people who are single and available just like you. Or at least pursuing hobbies and activities that you love. Because this is where you will meet like minded people, and eventually the woman you become involved with. It seems all your eggs are in her basket at present and you are just blowing this fantasy out of proportion in your head. You need attention. You need love too. You have left your partner, in your own mind, because this woman has shown you that you are still alive and that you are still viable as a man. But think about this. Is it not possible she came into your life to show you that your previous relationship just wasn't working? Some people come into our lives for a reason. And that is where it ends. She was the person who showed you that you didn't love your partner. It does not mean she will end up with your or is your soul mate.
Why would you want to be with a woman who has an emotional affair on her husband? Honey, it says a lot about her character. And the foundation you would have to start a new relationship with her (IF she ever did leave her husband) would be shaky from the get go. And you would not be able to trust her. That would cause a lot of pain and heartache in itself. Lack of trust slowly erodes relationships. The shine will wear off eventually. You could have this passionate sex and be swept away for a little while, but the infatuation phase DOES END honey. The rush of chemicals flooding your brain does eventually STOP. And it is designed this way for when couples enter the commitment phase where they raise a family together. Once the rush subsides, then you are left with reality. And reality looks very different once the honeymoon phase wears off. You will see her with all her flaws. You will see her bad side. Her bad moods. And there will be many problems because it would exit the affair phase and become a real relationship. But the problem is it would never be a real relationship. There would be way too many problems to make it work and keep it stable. Because of the way it started. Would you always wonder if she would have an emotional (physical?) affair with another man the minute you have dropped the ball, or you have problems with her? She has already proven herself capable. She escapes her problems with distractions. She does not solve them. Or she would not be doing this little dance with you.
How would you feel if you were this man, her husband and your wife was doing this to you? Also, keep in mind that men don't take lightly to their woman being messed with. This guy could beat you up severely or worse or come looking for you. You do not want to go there.
Her marriage is none of your business and you have no right to interfere. She needs to work out her issues with her husband or leave this marriage. But most married cheaters won't leave. They will take a little slice of happiness on the side while still remaining in the marriage, all the while never solving a thing. You don't know if she has done this before, do you? Many of these people repeat this behaviour during the course of their marriages. Their marriages remain a stable force in their lives. But the side flings come and go.
Think more highly of yourself. Know you deserve better than a cheating wife. It seems exciting because it's forbidden. Even if you did have sex, and it was great - or it is entirely possible NOT SO GREAT - it just won't be worth it in the end. Most people who go down this path regret it and wish they could turn back time. You are still in time never to go down this path to self destruction and the destruction of a whole other life she has with her husband that you know nothing about.
Also, at work you run many risks. How do you know she would not file a sexual harassment suit if you did get involved and you pissed her off one day? This is highly likely as women are very emotional creatures and can be quite vindictive once crossed. In affairs, emotions are at an all time high and judgment is severely clouded. People act without thinking and on impulse when they perceive they are wronged. She will not give a second thought to your career and reputation being destroyed. All bets are off when love turns sour.
So, don't even go there. All these thoughts should shut down your fantasies. Because at the end of the day, that is all they are. All they should be.
I do commend you for how you have handled yourself so far. But your post suggests you are capable of doing something you will regret. You need to keep your resolve strong. Morals are morals. They do not just go away. They are part of who we are. So, if you really are a man of strong morals, you will never cross that line. Your morals will never be compromised. No matter what. You are in control honey. And your character makes you incapable of faltering.
But to make it easier... I do ask you to seriously consider what I have said. Your refusal to leave your work is based solely on not wanting to lose whatever interaction you currently have wit her. You are resisting. Because, with any addiction, if you want to kick it badly enough, you will do so. The first step is removing yourself from the environment where that drug is readily available. If you are an alcoholic, why would you go to a bar everyday if you are trying to stop drinking? Same analogy applies here. You want to kick this habit, remove yourself from this environment. It is drastic but it will work. Eventually the chemicals that have hold of your brain will go into withdrawal. Withdrawal is the toughest by far. But you will get past it. And once it's over, you will start to feel like yourself again. The pain has passed. And you will finally be you again, ready for a new chapter and new possibilities for true happiness in your life.
I wish you well.
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