A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Over the last 12 months I haven’t been feeling myself. I lost my grandad 7 years ago, my mother 4 years ago and my grandmother almost a year ago. They played a significant part in my childhood, obviously, as my mother raised myself and my sister on her own most of my life. She then became ill and we had to look after her. We spent every day together so when she passed it didn’t feel real. I think only now it’s starting to feel somewhat real and that we will never get to have her back again. My grandparents helped my mother in raising us, we spoke every day and always made time for each other. Recently I just have no motivation, no energy, no desire to do anything or go anywhere. I don’t want to go out with friends, my partner, even my family. I don’t want to celebrate Christmas, as this is the time of year in which they all passed away so it is a very difficult time of year. I have been asked to celebrate new year with my partner and his family, but I don’t even want to do that. I want to stay in and sit in my own company. I’m jealous that my partner has his family and I don’t anymore. It’s a very strange and selfish feeling. I need some help on what to do as I’m tired of feeling down, depressed and anxious to do anything.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2018): I am so sorry for your losses. It is so hard to lose even one significant family member, let alone 3 in a fairly short period of time.
My advice to you would be to allow yourself to grieve. If you need to, try to find a support group that may help with this, or even a therapist. You seem to be stuck in grief and not moving through it.
Also, I think you really need to go see your doctor, and ask them about testing you for depression. You may have developed this after all of this, and may need a bit of help to get yourself back on track. They may be able to give you some help to get through those feelings. Behavioral Therapy or medication can help a lot with this part.
Don't push yourself to participate in holidays this year. If you need some time to yourself it is ok to take it. See what your doctor and therapist think about bowing out also, to make sure you are not just giving into your depression, and really need that space to grieve your family members.
I hope this will help. Make sure your partner, children, etc are aware that you are seeking help also, so they can help you get to appointments and encourage and help you with any therapy homework you may get. Their support will be super helpful to your recovery and grieving process also.
My condolences, and best wishes to you.
R
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2018): Human bereavement is one of the hardest things to go through and its no wonder that you are feeling down.
You've lost some of the most significant people in your young life and you are bound to be feeling at an emotional low.
It would be sensible and totally appropriate for you to see your doctor and to ask for some antidepressants to help you cope.
Also you could book in for talking therapy as soon as they can find you a spot because I think you could be coming up as priority urgency.
Talking can help a lot.
Remembering the person and thinking of significant tributes can also help.
Even reminding yourself of your interactions with these adults from the point of being a child can help.
I think you may have been forced to grow up early because you have had to cope with a lot of bereavement at a young age.
Part of you must long to feel young and carefree again but the burden of bereavement is making day to day life seem difficult to impossible.
With a little help you can get back to being the happy person you once were so book to see the doctor and discuss this very real problem!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2018): You need to tell your partner how you are feeling also make an appointment with your doctor. Any celebrations revolving around family times will be hard and its easier said than done to try and get on with things. its easy for me to say you are lucky to have the people you do have in your life. Your partner and his family are wanting to include you at a difficult time ( new year celebrations ) take the invite they want to spend time with you. You will feel jealous but you were lucky to have time with your family remember the good times. Make the most of your life you have it to live, your family would and will want you to make the most of things. Do make that appointment with the doctor.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2018): You need to go celebrate with your so faimly.You sound depressed.You should first go to your doctor and get a checked out.You may need therapy and medicine.Do not stay home and isolate yourself it will make depression worse.Do something nice for yourself.Have a bubble bath or eat a chocolate bar...it does not matter what you do just do something nice for you.Start looking at everything as your cup is half full and not half empty.I know life is hard but what I have learned in it i have always used somehow.You will see as you get old what I mean.It does get better i promise.Even though I do not know you you will be in my thoughts.Life is hard but it defines you.It creates who you turn out to be.I can just tell you are a good person.it will be alright.hugs to you..Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2018): I understand you what you're going through.
I was raised by a single mom, an only child, but my house was always FULL. We lived with my aunt and my grandma, I had a nanny (like a mother). My uncle would often come and visit. When I was eleven I lost my uncle and in less than a year my grandma and my aunt (who was like my mother!) died less than two months one after another. Fast-forward 8 years and I lost my mother too.
Twenty years old and with literally no one in the world. I was so grateful my nanny was still here (she too died later). But I had to fight like crazy not to succumb to this darkness that I still have no name for. I had to make myself look around and see that there were people around me. Good people.
Having said all that, so you know where I come from, families are also BUILT. And I do not mean just through having kids.
I have some friends who are like a family to me, we spend holidays together and watch each others back.
I still miss the people I lost (and I'm almost 42!) but I feel so grateful that I have people I care about in my life.
My husband doesn't have much of a family (all alive and well, just not a real family, they hate each other and are really nasty to one another...) so he became a part of mine, such as it is. I do have a few relatives I unfortunately cannot see very often, but he adores them and has a great relationship with my friends.
Jealousy is not negative per se (unless it's destructive, obsessive...). Emotions are not positive or negative. Jealousy shows you what you would like to have.
Do you like your partner's family?
It's OK if you don't. You don't have to like them just because you like him.
There are other people you like and feel close too... if not you CAN find them. Trust me I have.
My mom died a month before Christmas (so have others...). I didn't want to go anywhere, so I invited people I knew at my place. I had a tree, decorations, food, everything. I wanted to do exactly what my mom and I did together (that was my way of dealing with it, it brought me joy).
My God, I used to cook so much (and eat :( ) those days... I made my own bread, had the need to feed everyone...
That was my way of dealing with it.
And I spend days and days at the movies (back way when it wasn't sooooo expensive). I watched everything... I guess today I would be a Netflix addict.
I gave myself a slack and so should you. Listen to yourself, accept that what your going through is normal.
Last weekend we went to the country and spent some time with a friend and her grown-up daughter and one evening a terrible sadness came upon me. None of my "mothers" lived to see me all grown up. None of them could share the joy with me and what's most important I never got a chance to take care of them in their old age....
Trust me, writing this brings tears to my eyes. But you are strong, you can find this anchor inside yourself.
We all have our different stories and different kinds of sadness. I know yours because it's mine too. But other people struggle as well.
Be kind to yourself and be honest. Families can be built but you need to do it with the right people. Otherwise you'll still feel unhappy but you'll feel trapped.
Hang in there!
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A
female
reader, gingergal  +, writes (18 November 2018):
When it comes to plans for the holidays I would say talk to your partner and tell them that you are having a hard time and why. Hopefully they will understand and help you in anyway you need. You may feel like your being selfish but I would say you are just sad and missing your family, and don't want a reminder that they aren't around. Thats understandable.
As for your change in motivation and energy I would suggest taking time for yourself and mourning. Though I would watch out and not shut people out of your life because of it. Small movements back into your normal social routine might be a good option for that. Personally when I miss family members I try to do things that honour my good memories with them and will invite friends sometimes as well. Such as around Christmas when I miss my grandmother I will make Christmas cookies with friends like I did with her, so I wouldn't be alone and I could think of the good times.
If you do find it almost impossible to deal with this time of year booking an appointment with a grief councillor can be a good option as well.
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