A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello CupidsI have been with my partner for six years and living together for three. Yesterday he told me that he has been meeting up with a woman he sort of used to see and I'm not sure how to take it.We all met in university, and the pair of them spent a lot of time together but as far as I know, never slept together or actually dated. Then she went off with someone else and about a year after that, he and I got together. I have to admit that I did get a bit jealous and insecure seeing her around campus all the time as I got the feeling he wasn't over her, but when we left university, they didn't keep in touch. Now he has told me that somehow last month they saw each other randomly and he has met up with her a few times since. I'm really annoyed because he hid it from me, but he says nothing is going on, he just kept quiet because he knew I would get angry. He was right on that part and I insisted on looking through his phone and facebook to see their interaction, which he didn't object to or hesitate saying yes to. Everything does seem innocent, she is getting married in a few months and even suggested going on a double date... but I can't fight that niggling feeling that there is something between them. I've asked him not to see her again but he wouldn't agree to that and said I was being unreasonable and she is, and always was, just a friend. Am I being unreasonable? If I'm honest with myself, I would not be reacting this way if the old friend he was meeting up with was male. However at the same time I know how much he used to like her and I don't get why he hid it from me, unless there is a REASON to hide it. He's the love of my life and I can't lose him to her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2018): Women constanly nag us men that boys and girls CAN be friends. So why do women then tell us that 'you can't be friends with her!'They knew each other, maybe there was an attraction, but nothing came of it when it could have. Why would something start now? Friendship between a girl and man can be easily interpreted as something more (as most single men know too well), so I'm really betting they are just friends.Don't worry about his hiding it from you- I have the same issue with my wife. I get on with and enjoy the company of women as friends (it's the Leo in me) but my wife is very jealous. I refuse to tell her exactly where I'm going and who with every single time because that would lead to her controlling my life, and she has to deal with her insecurities. But I do promise to open and honest with her in other ways, as in I will not out right lie about my time with other people.I really suggest you meet the friend. It might not make your insecurity go away but you might find a new friend.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2018): Yes you're being unreasonable. They are just friends. He's done nothing to make you doubt him so why would you. Don't let your distrust and fear ruin an othereogood relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2018): Here we go, the magical-period in relationships that happens around 3-5 years-plus! That time-period in long-term relationships that has long-surpassed the stage where most couples would have decided to marry. Now one-side of the couple is getting weird and secretive.
Whenever someone tells you they kept something from you, because they knew you'd get angry; they mean they were hiding it from you. Period!
They are indicating to you, in no uncertain terms, that they didn't want your interference. They wanted it so badly, they didn't want you to stop it. Therefore, it was decided without your input. It's a done-deal!
If it involves an ex, a sudden and unexplained-acquaintance, former F-buddy, or someone explained as a missed-opportunity for a romantic-connection; hiding communication with that person indicates questionable-intentions. I highly doubt they ran into each-other randomly. So do you! Why hide it?
There are high implications they've already made some sort of shady-connection (or may have had sex) behind your back. How can they be trusted; if they hid the fact they met from you? To add insult to injury, more than once!
Why would he feel you shouldn't have the right to be upset about him meeting-up with someone he secretly contacted? Why would he meet-up with a woman secretly; unless he was up to no-good?
He created suspicion and compromised your trust. That probably wouldn't have happened, had he just said he ran into an old-friend; and introduced her to you. Then, if you felt uncomfortable about their intentions; you'd have the rightful-option to say so. He denied you any option.
As his girlfriend, you have a right to know what's up with all that? He has made it totally suspicious. Without even knowing him; I could guess with some accuracy, he wouldn't like it if you did something like that!
I'd say, things aren't looking good; anyway you slice it! He met-up with a woman, and didn't want you to know about it.
It's up to YOU, what you want to do about it. You know him, and if this incident moved you to write for advice; it doesn't sit well with you AT ALL!
If you object to it continuing, you have every right to speak-up! It didn't start-off properly, and it isn't likely to progress in your favor. If he resists your objections.
There you have your answer.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (17 November 2018):
 Go on the double date. Shows you are confident and secure in your relationship. You'll get an idea if there is any funny stuff between the two of them , body language don't lie.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 November 2018):
 Why would you turn down the chance of a double date with his lady and her husband-to-be? This is your chance to get a closer look at them together and make a more informed decision on whether anything is going on between them. I would say that, as he has suggested you all meet up, he probably has nothing to hide.
So he fancied her in the past. That does not mean she still does all these years down the line. He may still feel affection for her as a friend but he is entitled to have friends. You do not own him.
I can understand your annoyance that he kept his meetings secret but, in fairness, he has told you EXACTLY why he kept this secret. His fear was justified. You ARE angry.
Step back and think about this with a bit of detachment. Firstly, she has very definitely moved on and is about to get married. Secondly, HE has also moved on and you have been (I assume) in a happy relationship up to now. Perhaps the way forward would be to meet up as a foursome when he wants to see her?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 November 2018):
 I say GO on that double date.
Seriously. It will show him that you CAN behave like an adult, that you can RESPECT that he will have friends and DO NOT need your approval for whom he makes friends with, and it will give you an opportunity to met her and her fiance in a social setting, who knows YOU might even make a new friend.
He hid it because he KNEW you would put some drama or spin on it. He shouldn't have. But that is neither here nor there.
Being controlling is a SURE way to lose a good partner. And I do find it's a bit controlling to go through his shit to see if he "behaved". You need to either trust the man or let him go.
And IF he decides to dump you for her, which isn't likely as she is getting married and is probably happy with her man - then THAT is not something you can prevent.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 November 2018):
 Some boyfriends treat their girlfriends like princesses and would do whatever the girlfriends asked. Some boyfriends treat women equally and would not like being told what to do. Your boyfriend didn't tell you about meeting up with her to avoid confrontation. You have no reason to be angry. Your being emotional and checking up his facebook only showed your insecurity. Have some confidence in yourself. The future depends on how good your relationship is and if there's any trust issues. Yours is considered a long term relationship but you are not getting married yet. Today you are living together but one of you could leave any day. So this could be causing your anxiety. Sure that many people idealizes their old flames, especially when they had no physical history and their perfect imagination of the "what ifs" remain intact. If he wasn't over her, it would be painful to see her getting married soon. A person who has the intention to flirt, to get intimate, knowing the other is going to get married is not a respectful person anyway. They suggested double dating so I don't feel that his intention to see her was to rekindle anything. If meeting up with a friend carries the risk of losing your boyfriend then he's not really yours to being with. It's your inner demons that you have to fight on your own.
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