A
female
age
30-35,
*rokenhearted@
writes:Ok well this is gonna be quite long (sorry) but I desperately need some help. Please be honest with me, I can take any criticism where it's due, but please don't judge me. Ok, so, last year, Id just gone 18 and I was going out with someone . and he's a nice guy. But he just wasn't for me. But rather than have the guts to end the relationship I ended up falling for someone else at work. Well I wouldn't say I fell for him. He was a manipulative control freak. I was in deep trouble before I even knew it. So I won't go into details but he forced me and used whatever emotional tactics he could for sex (he was gonna kill himself, kill my family for example). He also stalked me, accused me of sleeping around etc. So the only thing for me to do was to leave my job. So it all came out. My boss asked me if I'd had a relationship with him, and stupidly I denied it until it was too late to do anything else. So he lost his job, i felt bad for lying I regret it so much i'm not like that. But at the end of the day I was just a scared teenager who'd got themself into something deep (this guy was like 35). So I did whatever I could to make myself feel like I'd made it ipto my boss a bit, I worked so hard etc. I think he knew the truth but could see I was sorry and had learnt from it. Well I think cos he didn't hate me even though it must have been pretty obvious I was lying. So anyway, a year later and iv grown up so much. There's this other guy who again I work with but it was so different. I really like him. I love him. And I was honest with my boss from the start. So after months of liking each other me n this guy got together 2 weeks ago. It was like nothing I ever felt before. From the first day he kept asking me about whether I'd had a relationship with the other guy before. I denied it cos I didn't trust him enough to tell him and I didn't wanna loose him. Then last night after 2 weeks together, I told him everything. And he ended it straightaway, he now thinks I'm an awful person. He hates me. Ok so what I did was wrong, but surely everyones made mistakes when they were young. He says he can't trust me cos I lied to him when he asked me before. Idk I love him so much and iv lost him over something I did a year and a half ago, which I fully regret. Please help me I'm so confused and I don't know what to do.
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at work, I work with, lost his job, my boss, stalking Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): He may just be gone. Hard to tell. It just depends on the individual whether he will be willing to give it another go with you or not.
Take it as a lesson learned. You called the whole thing stupid, but it probably does not feel "stupid" to him.
Men are programmed differently than women. It's nature. There is no such thing as our girl telling us a "minor" lie about her sexual habits. If we can't trust her word in this area then we can't take her seriously in a relationship. We might not like something that she has done and that's pretty bad, but not being able to trust her story is the one thing that feels worse.
A
female
reader, B123  +, writes (27 August 2009):
 Sounds like you are having a bit of a hard time and are confused...I would personally take a break from the guys for a while and think to yourself..WHAT do you REALLY want from a relationship before you decide to go out with anyone?? You need to have answers for yourself otherwise you will keep making the same mistakes over and over again and you don't want to get hurt at the end of the day, right? I think what you need to learn from both of these stories is they both share a common thread. That thread being - you can not lie to a person who you really want something more in the future with. Because you lied initially then finally came clean to guy no.2 you actually repeated the same mistake you made with guy no.1. Now guy no.2 wants nothing to do with you as he doubts he can ever trust in you. Best thing is leave him alone for a while to get over the shock of this. When he is ready to talk to you, then say you are sorry - mean it. Then explain how you lied out of fear and that it won't happen again. Tell him you were scared he didn't want to be with you because of what happened in your past. You were simply scared of the potential repercussions it could have. Tell him you were only getting to know him and so did not share these details as you found it uncomfortable. Say how you will like to start over on a fresh note with him and did not want to cause him so much pain. You are sorry if you have. Leave it at that. Do not beg, plead etc. Just say you are sorry and say you will leave it upto him if he wants to continue on with him but that you will respect his decision whatever it is. Just agree to your current breakup. You sound like you are in a state of panic over this. He ended it straightaway as he fears you will keep to lie to him over and over in the future. You need to restore the trust if you want him back and that will take time to do so be patient and good luck. Hope that helps.
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