A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my ex and i were on and off for yearsabout 3 weeks ago he ghosted on me, after months of closeness, sleeping together, weekend visits, basically acting like a couple without the title. it felt like we were really close again. until he went silent right after new years.well i got the impression that he might be dating someone thanks to good old social media.i am not only stunned, but clueless as to why he didn't just come out and say he met someone. i get it we were not together but whether he likes it or not we were involved. and talked all the time.i feel like i got zero respect and no closure to the situation. how could he do that to me.my question is should i just leave it be and not talk to him. or should i send a half angry email?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2016): So you are in a situation, I know, how it feels, when people do this, man or woman, they don't care about your feelings, an what's bad is if you didn't do any thing wrong but treat them, fantastic,it hurts, but it doesn't hurt them, I can look back , when a ex broke up with me four years ago, I didn't do any thing wrong, but she did have the decently, to tell me to my face, got to give her credit for that, she cheated, but this last one ghost me, an I think that is even worst then getting cheated on, at lease you know , why, I feel for you, it still hurts me an its been two months, women say they , want to be treated like a princess, but I fine it hard, to believe that,but being ghost is the chicken way out, they don't have to look into the eyes of the person, who treated them wonderful, but tell something, carma a bitch, some one will do to them as they done to us, it goes both ways
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2016): Don't let him know anything or that you're even affected by this. Rather, leave it be on the off chance that he may wonder why you had no reaction.I was in a similar situation that went on for years. He messaged me just like usual one night and we talked all of the things we normally did. The very NEXT day he did not answer my text. I thought it unusual as he always answered, and messaged him again about two days later. Silence...then I stopped.A month later he messaged me and started as if everything were the same and I was struck by how he just kinda by-passed the fact that he hadn't replied to my messages nor had he been in touch for so long in such a convenient (to him!) manner. I called him out on it and he admitted he was seeing someone. He started giving me some very trite and tired excuses. I just did not answer or acknowledge because he did not deserve a second more of my time. I treated him more than well, with respect and for me, it was done.Please don't give him the satisfaction. Hold onto your dignity and move on. There are chances he will get in touch again for whatever reason (my guy did, twice after this to apologize) and that's when you can let him know that there is an honorable of doing things and he simply isn't a gentleman.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 January 2016):
 The best thing you can do honestly is STOP the talking to him. You said it yourself - you were on/off for years, meaning your whole relationship was one big drama yo-yo and a huge time waster. Then this last time was no different. Again, you said it yourself, you were pretending to be close without the title. That should have told you everything you need to know.
No, you have done enough talking to him. You've done enough being there for him when he feels like being "on". What you need to do is consider him DEAD to you. Meaning you cut off every form of communication and you delete him from every aspect of your life. Then, when all these feelings of anger subside, and he gets horny/nostalgic and tries to contact you again, tell him to jump off of a cliff. THAT is when you drop him...not now when you're all pissed and demand his contact. You get your revenge by not being AVAILABLE forever! He's dead to you! Break the "on/off" switch permanently in the "off" position, and you don't get all wishy-washy and doormatty when he comes back to put the moves on you which always have worked in the past.
Cut him off. And cut yourself from any desire to contact him again.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 January 2016):
 Don't waste your time sending him an angry email...
See.... once a guy gest tired of a girl, he simply walks away...... no explanation/excuse - nothing more - needed.....
That's what you have.... so move on...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Irishgirl88  +, writes (21 January 2016):
My "ex" did this to me last month. And believe me I know it's horrible. The difference is mine blocked me off everything, and wow it's the worst feeling I've ever ever had.
I called him a few days ago off a private number and asked him why he was doing it.
He basically said not to call him again and that he doesn't want to speak to me, it hurt like hell as I was his gf and loved and cared for him so so much.
Please don't call him or message anything, it really isn't worth it. And like the other posters said....... He doesn't care
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 January 2016):
 I agree with Cindy,
No need to tell him. Unless he is an utter moron he knows, but he also don't care one fig.
You don't really NEED any kind of "closure" here. The guy used you as a bedwarmer, and when he had someone new to DATE he "forgot" all about you.
I'd cut him off totally, delete. block, unfriend. That way he can't wheel you back in if this new girl doesn't work out and he wants you to be his bedwarmer again.
You didn't get any "respect" because he presumed you were OK with it being casual. And you didn't get a "hey I am seeing someone else so no more nookie" because he didn't feel he had to. Personally..... I think if you sleep with someone the least you can do it let them know it's over, but it seems VERY common these days that with all the "instant gratification" using manners is absolutely left by the road side. People claim that they don't have time for that.....
Learn from this. ON/OFF relationships means they are not really working. Hence the ON/OFF. And they are not serious no matter what.
When someone is an ex... LEAVE them where they belong. IN THE PAST!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 January 2016):
 No no, let it go. Totally.
Look, if this guy ghosted on you, obviously he did not care about you / respect you enough to think about your feelings, sitting you down and explaining you nicely, " I am sorry, we had some great times, but... " or words to that effect. If he pulled a Houdini on you - that means he just wanted you out of his life, no fuss, no explanations, no drama.
So do you think he will care if you are upset and angry ? Not a whit. Most probably he will just ignore your message, at which you 'll get even angrier and you'll contact him again , and so on and so forth. It may become a frustrating , undignified tug-of-war between your ego that requires apologies, and his selfishness which requires doing what he wants when he wants, unhindered . A very pointless war.
I must say, and I know that this will make you even angrier- that I sort of can see where he is coming from. I don't approve him or condone him, I think that showing a little consideration for people's feelings even when we are not technically OBLIGED to do it, it's not such a big effort and saves lots of trouble and bitterness, so yes, he's a twat. But not an irrational twat.
I think there's a big difference between you two re. how each of you perceve your " relationship ".
3 years of casual " on and off " . No label.
Well... labels are important. They count.
If you work off the books, they can kick you out any time, without notice for any reason or for no reason. If you have the label of employee, even in USA you do have unions, you do have guarantees, you do have national work contracts , you do have legal recourse for unfair treatment .
I think that you saw a few months of sleeping together and hanging out and having a nice time as a RELATIONSHIP ,with no label, yet pretty close to it , ALMOST there, just a notch less than an official relationship and maybe on its way of getting there.
I am convinced he saw it all different, like something casual. Frequent maybe, at times, but totally casual and disengaged.
Let's say that for 3 years, on and off, you patronize a pizza place, or a hair salon. You like them and you are satisfied enough with their services. Then one day you either willingly decide to try something new, or you just happen to chance into a newer pizza place or hair salon.
What do you do, you go to the old place, apologizing and explaining why unluckily from now on you'll bring your business somewhere else ?.
No you don't. You do not feel you HAVE to explain them anything.
It was implied , by the lack of title and of committment, that "it lasts till it lasts" and he'd stay until satisfied with the services provided, but this can change any time.
In short, what for you was a quasi-serious relationship, for him was a convenience, an offer of services . Services may also be very valuable and much appreciated, no doubt- but still can be dismissed any time, without any particular ceremony.
Don't write him anything - just move on.
And next time, get the title. Do not work off the books , if you want no surprises.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2016): Anger won't solve anything. That is just your ego talking.You don't give any details about your relationship (when you were officially together), why you broke up etc. except that you were on and off together. Isn't ghosting behavior a part of that deal?Anyway, the important thing is to know how you feel and what you want.If you do not love him and do not wish to be with him, well why write to him? Especially why be mean to him? It's not like he promised you anything. If you wanted more, you should have talked about it with him.When you accepted an "unofficial" relationship you gave an impression that you're OK with everything. That you were OK with no obligations attitude. He could have been dating (really or through social media or both) the whole time. Sort of if not asked-don't tell policy.However if you do want something more with him (or at least prolongation of the relationship you had) angry message is not a way to go. How about just asking what's up? How about just telling him that you'd like to see him? You are not putting yourself on the line by doing this. If he says no or stays silent well, there's your answer. Move on.Hope this helps.
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