A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok so yes I know I'm a p.o.s. I've come to grips with that. Here's my problem...My wife and I have been having problems, some pretty major, but we are dealing with those. Ive lost attraction to her, which I hate, and again I'm trying to get over that. The issue is in the midst of all this I fell for a woman I work with. I wasn't looking for it, I didn't want to ever cheat on my wife but I did. Problem is I can't stop thinking of this girl. She knew I was married and for me it honestly wasn't about the sex, which didn't go well to begin with the one time we did. It was the connection we have, how much we have in common, when I don't have much with my wife. It's who she is as a person that I can't get out of my head. We've since ended it, and not well. Still in my head. I know she feels the same about me but it's the futility of being with a married man, how I can't be there for her like her lover should. Still in my head. I want to work on things with my wife, but I feel every day that Id rather be with this woman. I have to work with her too, so I see her everyday, and my job requires that we interact with each other, so how am I supposed to do this? Am I screwed? how do I get back the love and attraction for my wife?Telling my wife is not an option. We both made a pact that if either of us cheated we didn't want to know about it.What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): you can't fix a relationship if your heart isn't in it. Marriage counseling won't work if you don't really want to do it. it's not like taking a drug that will cure your flu regardless of how you feel about the flu (or the drug).
best to go with the tide, or the flow, rather than swimming upstream. You don't love your wife, so acknowledge that, accept that, and dont' try to force yourself to care about fixing a marriage that you don't want to but just because people say you "should."
but realize that this issue is completely unrelated to your co-worker. You probably only feel the way you do about her because
(1) any new relationship feels awesome, you're falling in love all over again, but doesn't mean it will work out in the long run - it may, or it may not... if you were single then you could pursue this relationship anyway and whether it works out or not you wouldn't be the worse off for it. But if you're basing decisions on what to with your marriage, on THIS, then you're on shaky ground.
(2) the contrast between the new woman and your wife is so great that everything gets magnified. The new woman seems that much more attractive, and your wife seems that much less so. Your brain isn't seeing things normally because the contrast between the two situations is so great. Had you met this co-worker while you were long ago single you might not feel so strongly about her. But because she now brings you comfort during a very difficult time in your life, you're emotionally more dependent on her than you otherwise might be if you met and dated her under normal circumstances.
(3) you may be feeling even worse toward your wife than you otherwise would because you're comparing her to someone new, someone who you may be feeling more attracted to under these dire circumstances than you would under normal circumstances.
but despite all this, if you know you don't really want to try and work on your marriage, and I don't see how you can be committed to saving your marriage if you're so focused on someone else, then stop trying to save the marriage that you know you don't want. Again, the medicine analogy - to save the marriage you have to have the right attitude, it's not like taking flu medication that will work regardless of your attitude.
'Telling my wife is not an option. We both made a pact that if either of us cheated we didn't want to know about it"
Then you and your wife never cared much for your marriage to begin with or you wouldn't have had this attitude. You two basically agreed to kill the relationship in the long term in exchange for short-term avoidance of pain. No wonder your marriage is the way it is.
focus your energies instead on making the divorce as amicable and painless as possible and helping your son transition to the new state of things.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): One thing I forgot to add...
You will be MUCH happier once you are out of a hostile relationship. For me, it was like a new life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): You need marriage counseling, and you are going to need counseling for your son.You can't fix the fact that you don't love your wife anymore. Its not going to 'just come back' without both of you wanting it to and trying to make it happen. Before my own divorce, I would have told you to do everything in your power to fix this. After my divorce, I look at my kids (who were and ARE STILL upset and devestated by the divorce) and I realize that had I stayed in the marriage, they would be EVEN worse off. They would have witnessed extreme hostility (non-physical) and to me, that is even worse. Now, yes they have issues around dealing with loss, but they are not in a hostile environment and they are relatively well adjusted. The lesser of the two evils for our kids was divorce. So what I am saying, is put your kid(s) first and decide what is going to be best for them. If you can fix this, FIX IT. But if it is irreparable, you gotta move on.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (28 May 2011):
 chigirl p.o.s. means peice of s**t Listen to yourself now, your getting into a panic attack. Your not even giving this a shot!dont throw in the towel before even trying, If want this marriage to work, you have to at least try to. As you said this is the last go of things and you may not come back if you go alone. Just tell her it would mean a lot to you if she would come with you , and your son, as your family would be the one missing out and its not fair on them, As you are married she can not simply say your son is not going if she aint. This is being unreasonable. Has she had arguments with your family? does she not get on with them? If no then all I can say is , if you know you always argue when you go there, then you have to be the mature one and refuse to retailiate when anything arises. If things STILL dont work out, then maybe after concider a seperation period, But in the long run this will only end how you want it too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update...things are starting to spiral...I'm feeling depressed and alone. No friends to fall back on no family to stay with. We are supposed to go to my home state to visit family for 2 weeks. Unfortunately we've fought every time we've gone back. Now she's considering staying and telling me to go by myself, but the main reason for going is so my family can spend time with my son. But she won't let him come with me...
If I go alone, then I am not coming back to her. I just feel like giving up.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 May 2011):
 What is p.o.s.? I don't know if I can answer when you do not explain this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Do you necessarily have to save the marriage? Do you just feel like you should? Or do you really want to.
Maybe it wasn't meant to be with your wife.
I am 18 so maybe take my answer aware of my little life knowledge!
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (25 May 2011):
Hi
yes you hve got yourself in a right pickle haven't you.
The reason your attracted to this women is because she reminds you of all the things you fell inlove with your for. Have you concidered marriae counciling? we all go through a stagnant phase in our marriage, but when you get through it together you will be stronger than ever. The good thing is, it CAN be saved, and you have done the right thing by not seeing this women anymore. I know it must be difficult as you work with her, is there no way you can arrange for someone else to work with her? if that is not possible, then maybe you should concider a change of job, because if the temptation is always there, your never going to want to give your marriage another go properly. Just learn from this, never mix buisness with pleasure ,it always has a way of coming back and biting you on the arse.
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