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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Why do boyfriends parents always hate me?I have had 3 serious boyfriends and the parents have always disliked me but I don't know why.An event that happened today has opened my eyes to this. My partner and I have been together 2 years, living together for 8 months. Last night we had a family barbecue and my partner had too much to drink and ended up having a disagreement with my mum over something silly. This morning I spoke to him about it and said he was out of order and id like him to apologise to my mum as I don't want things to be difficult between them when we go and visit her. He came back with 'well my parents can't stand you but they don't make it difficult when we visit' which shocked me as I always thought I had a good relationship with his parents. A few more things were said - his parents don't visit and that's why, if we see them we always go to them. Also when my partner and I first got into a relationship his mum would call me once or twice a week to see how we were but she hasn't done that for a very long time now. I asked why they don't like me and he said they just didn't. We went to his parents house today so I spoke to his mum about it.. Her reply was 'we'll I'll be honest, you wouldn't be our first choice for a daughter in law but if he's happy we can tolerate the situation'. I wanted to ask why but was too shocked at her response but it has made me think all afternoon and to be honest, has really upset me.The only reason I can think of is when I found out two months after we got together that he was meeting up with another woman, we had a phone argument and I know his mother was listening. Although nothing was said during that argument indicated wrong doing for me - he admitted to meeting the woman and was practically begging for my forgiveness, maybe it's stemmed from that?My ex partners parents disliked me from the outset but I know the reasons for that - he was violent and beat me to within an inch of my life yet always told his parents I was the one who beat him (despite me being hospitalised and him never so much as having a bruise!!) but of course to the parents I was the liar.My first boyfriends parents also disliked me but maybe that's due to me being his first girlfriend? I really don't know.I have a big circle of friends and find it easy to get on with new people, a lot of people have said about me that I'm 'one of those people you can't help but like' and I try to treat people how I wish to be treated but it seems to be a common factor in relationships. All I want is to get on with the parents - especially my current boyfriends parents as id hope to be part of their family one day. This is really upsetting me.
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female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (22 June 2014):
It is not you, it is down to your choice of man. It looks to me as though he goes complaining to his parents about you. Probably about nothing, but it has become a habit? If you can honestly say that you have done nothing to annoy them, it makes me wonder what the problem is. It is up to him to tell you. They too a big risk in telling you that you would not he their choice, to me it makes me think "bullies". To state something so clearly would suggest that you have done something quite offensive and wrong. What exactly? Or, is this trumped up and does your partner defer to his parents and seek approval too much. For him to say what he did is disloyal in the extreme. There is no way his parents and he should feel OK about saying this. They are obviously a team and you are not in it. I would insist on knowing what I had done. If it is nothing in particular I honestly would not stay in such a manipulative relationship. Either that or you are doing something habitually that alienates people and you are completely not self aware. Why would your partner want to be with you if you are being so offensive. Plus, why would his parents be in the know and you not? If you have done something and had known before you could have done something about it. The reasons to dislike anyone: financial greed, vanity, rudeness, snobbery, telling lies, being self important, being uncaring, loud, a know-all, superficial, selfish. Are you really that without even knowing? Get to the bottom of it. However, his parents have said some unforgivable things. Perhaps you should tell them they wouldn't be your ideal choice of grandparents either! Why are people so unkind, beats me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2014): WiseOwl - everything you have said has just made perfect sense. Thank you for your words, they've helped me a lot
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2014): If you choose the kind of guys who don't really fall in the categories of upstanding to classy (and what you've described are far from it); his parents are likely to be a lot like him. You don't say if the guys you date are older, younger, or your age. If much younger, there you have it.
If much older, and you've never been married. They figure you're chasing down a husband. They assume you're likely to end up their daughter-in-law. They often judge you by their son's usual taste in women. Even if you're not the kind he usually dates. If you're far better? They're uncomfortable that you'll find out how much of a real dick he is.
You don't seem to date average to ordinary men; or the guy next-door type. They seem just on the brink of loser. So you've met the people partially at fault for the guys that they are. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
You probably prefer macho troubled-types; who reflect their less than stellar family backgrounds. If you come from a dissimilar background, naturally they wouldn't like you. That's not necessarily so for your first boyfriend. His parents were just scared you'd get pregnant; if they suspected, or knew, you were both sexually-active. If they figured you weren't a virgin. That keeps parents on high alert. I assume that was in your teens to early 20's.
If you come from a conservative (or middle-class upbringing) or carry a certain air different from those with more "blue-collar" or less than middle-class to working poor lifestyles. If you have a college education. They're likely to dislike you for your social-status, or "perceived" social-status. They'll presume you think you're better. The point is to never allow you to feel you fit-in. Being "Miss Haughty-Taughty."
Choose better-educated and more well-rounded guys, and you'll meet parents who are more social and friendly. Don't expect a mother to like you, if you fight with their son. Especially if he's a jerk. She's embarrassed that she raised such a tool; which reflects on her parenting skills.
She'll dislike you only because she's on the defensive.
My recommendation. Start dating up, instead of dating down.
So far, none of your choices seem too impressive. Not counting your first. That's shaky to begin with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2014): Unfortunately I'm quite aware that I'm the common denominator!
I like to think I'm quite a realistic person and that if I had some god awful trait that I'd know about it! I have a good job and look after myself, I like to think I'm well mannered and polite and I always try to make a good impression so I really don't know what it is! :(
But actually Mark - 2 of the 3 are only children! I wonder if that does make any difference?!!
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (22 June 2014):
 "I have had 3 serious boyfriends and the parents have always disliked me..."
The common denominator here is you. You need to think about what behaviours you may be exhibiting which your partners parents dislike. No offence but if all of the parents of your partners dislike you, there must be a message there somewhere.
Another factor common to at least two of these relationships is your choice of men. The previous guy beat you to within an inch of your life, the current guy gets drunk and makes an ass of himself, then, when reluctantly apologising to your mom for his drunken faux pas, he makes the sarcastic response that his parents cant stand you.
Maybe you go for the only child kinda guy whos moms don't want to loose them to a woman?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (22 June 2014):
 The REAL substance of your submittal is this: "I have had 3 serious boyfriends and the parents have always disliked me..."
Work on that... and the "answer" to "the problem" that you face, now, will become apparent....
Good luck....
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