A
female
age
51-59,
*usymum
writes:I have just been told that my partner of 4 years has been having an affair with someone from his work for over a year. I have had my suspicions and have asked him but he has always denied anything has been going on. He is always very loving towards me and never spends any time away from me at weekends. It is the woman he is supposed to be sleeping with who has told me - probably because she thinks it will make me leave him. The thing is I dont want to give her the satisfaction of leaving him - she would win. But I dont know if I can stay with him knowing he has lied for all this time. I love him with all my heart and know that deep down he loves me - he would have left me already if not wouldnt he? He is my life. I know he will stop seeing her if I threaten to leave him. How should I react - should I confront him or just let things lie?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): I think you're so concerned with the effect of leaving on HER because you'd rather focus your blame on her than him. HE cheated on you, not her. (Was she even aware that he was even in a relationship when they got started? Don't just assume he wouldn't lie and she must have known right off.) Once you take the focus off her and put it where it belongs, you'll realize that leaving him is probably for the best. Make HIM lose something for his actions.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): Have an affair with someone, that will take the focus on him and he will know how it feels.
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male
reader, SamuraiRick  +, writes (15 December 2007):
 In your question you make the statement “He is my life.” I had long felt that way about my wife…I said much those same words…. “She is my life.” She also cheated on me too and did it for a more than a year. When I found out about this I resisted too, and struggled hard to forgive her and repair my marriage. Right now I’m seeking divorce.
When you say “He is your life” you are saying you cannot live without him and that implies a lot. You’re saying are bound to him for life, which was your intent when you agreed to marry him. You are saying that your vow of marriage is stronger than his cheating. I can see where you stand because I have been there.
I cannot tell you there isn’t hope in your marriage surviving this, this will all fall on how you can live with it, how strong you are inside. And of course how he will react to your telling him you know about this. And you have to tell him now. There is nothing to hide here. If he wants to stay in this marriage he has to stop seeing her, and may have to quit his job also. If he’s not ready to do that you have to ask yourself if he is worth your love.
As hard as this is to sink in you cannot think of this as a competition where either you or her win your husband. You should only focus on you and your husband, and leave her out of the picture. This has nothing to do with her satisfaction. There is no winning in any of this. By implication she wants him, that is true, but if she gets him it will have to be something you have to live with along with everything else after the dust has settled.
So focus on your husband and repairing your marriage. If you and he can work this out, than you are better for it. But do not think this will be easy. You have a lot of pain and crying to endure…I know this will be hard. But you have to take her completely out of the picture! You can email me if you want help with this. I also recommend reading Dr Phil’s book “Relationship Rescue” and Dr Laura’s “Proper Care and feeding of Marriage.”
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): If he loved you he would have left you already? That's an interesting perspective. But the truth of the matter is that if he loved you he wouldn't have cheated on you in the first place. I would definitely confront him on the subject. I mean why are you talking about winning or losing. Why are you turning this into a competition over a man not worth anything. He gave in to her tempation. You call that winning? Winning what?? A cheating loser for a boyfriend that you won't even confront cause you are trying to win? Great relationship.That's not winning. That is you losing all respect that you could have for yourself. And you really contradict yourself. I mean you say he really loves you?? Then if you are certain he loves you so much why are you so afraid that if you break up with him he will go running to her?? Hey if he loves you so much, if you break up with him of course he is going to fight for you back. That is if he loves you like you say he does. So then why are you so afraid to leave him??
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (15 December 2007):
 This is simplistic, but what did she "win" and what do you end up with if he stays with you? He is the booby prize !! As tough as it may be, you have to make your point to him. Also, although she is doing something wrong by "trying" to ruin your marriage, she can only try. Your husband is actually ruining the marriage. He is the one who is married. He is the one that is supposed to resist temptation. You can be angry with the woman but the most anger and disappointment belongs with your husband. Put the blame where it belongs.
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (15 December 2007):
 You should know that even if the mistress wins your man over that in the end it will be her he will cheat on in the future. Not much of a prize really.
I do think you should have a heart to heart with your man. A year is a long time for an affair to go on. Likely he isn't that into this woman or yes, I believe he would have left you already or your relationship would have seen strains. Is this woman even telling the truth? If the affair really did go on for a year then there is something wrong with your relationship. Best thing to do is confront him (and I agree, let him know it was her who came to you)and see what he says. If he wants to stay with you then the two of you need to work on what is wrong with your relationship that would allow him to do this to you. I would put the relationship on probation too and let him know that he needs to convince you he is serious.
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female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (15 December 2007):
 I would say confront him and tell him exactly what this woman has told you. Then see what he has to say about it. If you let things lie, this will always linger in the back of your mind and will eventually drive you crazy. And you don’t know what made her tell you this, maybe he has actually turned her down. Bring all cards up on the table so to speak, and you will feel stronger to make the right decision about this. And don’t think about the other woman and her satisfaction, think of your own happiness, if he has really been cheating and you leave, than she will have the satisfaction of maybe ending up with a cheating man while you on the other hand will end up with the satisfaction of keeping your proud and self respect. But he shouldn’t be granted the satisfaction of both eating the cake and keeping it. Talk to him.
Wish you all the best!
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female
reader, starfairy  +, writes (15 December 2007):
 I wouldn't threaten to leave him to get him to stay.I would sit down and talk to him about this. Tell him you love him and want to work this out, and see what his ideas on this are.You do need to take into account the trust factor, will you be able to trust him again? Is he going to continue working with this woman?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): Its a catch 22 situation, you leave she gets what she wants, you stay and you have been used as a door mat and it will happen again.
Tell him that it is her who has told you and that you are leaving..... you can only play it by ear from then. Dont be taken for a mug.
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